I love you mom

This is aleese , kathleen’s daughter if anyone knows anything please contact her family we’re worried sick looking for her everywhere she’s been missing 4 days.   . please if anyoen knows anything or has any information.  We’ve tried so much calling the police and making a missing person statement callign anyone we can think of but no one seems to know anything.  her cell number is (907) 244-9375 she hasn’t picked up her phone for everyone but it’s still on that i’m sure because it rings so i know it must be charging bc it wld be dead by now if it weren’t.  Her family all of us miss her terriably we’ve contacted the church they’re helping too, I love my mom and i need her this is killing me my dad and my sister for teh first time in my life i saw my dad break down in tears, i’ve cried so much adn now i can’t feel anything i jsut want to knw my mom is ok. we just want to know she’s safe, she’s been having a terriable time with her job and she didn’t want to go on monday, adn she never made it.  we dont really know what else to do but we’re not giving up, the 3 of us r stickign together.

 

aleese (18 y/o, oldest daughter)

He is my rest

even when i don’t know the answer, He is always the answer.

trusting and relying on Him brings the only peace I know and need to know.

He knows me/us best and will help me know what is the best for me.

“occasionally, answers aren’t given or the blessings we desire don’t come or the trials we bear continue because there is no place in our hearts for God to put the answer we need.  life must carve or hollow out the place.  the very experiences we are going through help to create these holding places.  yet He still hears our prayers and promises the resolution will come in time.”

as we seek, we shall find.

keep seeking.  never stop.

keep finding continuously.

trust Him.

He is always the one way to have peace.

since i chose Him, He has always been the one way for me to truly feel peace.

no greater peace have i ever known.

i did not fully realize what was missing until i found it.

He helps me find the hope that i need.

He wants me/us to be where we are for a reason.

you/i might be the help that someone needs to find peace that they seek.

“Lord i just thank you for our problems, for they are what bring me to my knees, to Your feet, and they are all worth it.”

He is my rest, he is my place of rest and my sanctuary.

this is right where i need to be.

kathleen

the small and simple things .. when nobody is looking

“rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  take care of your little ones, welcome them into your homes, and love them with all of your hearts.  they may do, in the years that come, some things you would not want them to do, but be patient, be patient.  you have not failed as long as you have tried.  never forget that.”

sometimes the best moments happen or the neatest pictures are taken when nobody knows someone is looking.  hmmm, like life.  sometimes the best things happen spontaneously naturally and when you don’t try so hard and don’t notice that anyone is looking on.

reminds me of the small and simple things.

good to experience the home visit with 16 y/o daughter ~E so far.  her therapist wanted ~E to come home for a short visit to readjust to us a bit and see how she does prior to her final release at the end of one more school semester (december).  so far alright.  i don’t want to go into a lot of detail but she had been a violatal mess/handfull for 2 years prior to her going.  been doing much better finally now.

when i drove to the airport to pick up dad and ~E (he escorted her back from utah), something strange happened.  weird coincidence i guess.  i put on a shirt that i hadn’t worn in a long time and i felt an odd heavy shape in the pocket.  i reached in and smiled when i saw it.  it’s a small metal stone that has a heart on one side and it reads “you are loved” on the other side.  i hadn’t seen it since the night that we said good bye to put her on the airplane with the hospital staff who escorted her down to the residential treatment center (RTC) in utah.  that night i bought her one to keep and i bought one for me, too, to keep.  i had forgotten what pocket i left it in and i found it again yesterday the very day i went to pick her up from the airport.  just strange to me the coincidence of that.  it warmed me to see that stone that says “you are loved” again but it was sweeter to see this last night and since because so much has changed and grown for the better for us.  i told her i found it again this day and she thought that was cool.

we were going to meet at baggage claim but as their plane was later and later, i crept closer to security.  i decided to get to the closet point possible, so i could see them immediately after they arrived and walked past security.  i saw hubby’s head over the security screen, so i stood behind the screen wall and as they walked by me, i jumped out and said hi and hugged them.  it was a nice surprise.  they didn’t expect me to pop out like that. 

was sweet to hug my girl again.

really nice to have everybody home at home right now.  was so strange (good) to have all of us around the dinner table last night.  the small and simple things matter more.

~E came up to me last night after she and her dad returned from picking up dinner and said, “would you mind if i gave you a hug mom?”  awh, and she hugged me tight.  amazing.  how much she has changed.  a blessing.

18 y/o ~A got home from work and one of the first things she said to ~E after their initial hugs and stuff .. this cracked me up .. “look, my  b o o b s got bigger!”  haha, didn’t see that coming. 

she and her sister also did a slumber party last night (just the 2 of them so they could hang out more).  they used to fight “like  c a t s  and d o g s”  before so that was cool to see this peace offering yesterday.

we’re on the homestretch.

there is hope.  “hope begins in the dark.”

it has felt so good to have my girl back in spirit for months now.  she felt like she came home again once she decided to make this positive change in her life.

the small and simple things with those we care about .. i think this is all that really matters the most.

peace, kathleen

this matters more to me

“…we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.” — isaiah 64:8

“don’t pray for an easy life.  pray to be a strong person.”

———————-

sleep is hard right now.  too much has been on my mind.  assessing some good and not so good.

16 y/o daughter ~E will arrive at 2:27pm.  less than 12 hours from now and she will be here for one week.  the countdown is on.  dropped hubby/daddy at the airport a couple hours ago and he is flying down to utah right now to escort her back.  can’t hardly believe we all get to hug her again in just a few hours.  i don’t want to put her back on the plane to finish out her treatment completely by december.  it’s going to tear out our hearts to put her back on the plane.  but she’s in the homestretch.

and for the most part, hubby is being easier to get along with lately, too.  comes in waves.  we’re in a better wave or phase right now.  working together (although it has not always felt like togetherness at times) has overall brought us more together.  has been amazing to see him take an interest in family prayer (which he never did before this experience) and to see him step up to the plate and take more charge and also to see him so great with her through her weekly phone contacts.  i had no idea he (while being firm) could be so therapeutic and soothing and confident and reassuring with her.  it was him who helped her to see it’s time for you to set this goal for yourself and to shoot for (blank) so we can start to begin discharge planning.  can you do try to do this now?  and she listened and she finally responded.  she finally decided that she would stop fighting the treatment program.  she finally decided she could and she would do what had to be done in order to be released from treatment.  it never clicked with her until he finally pushed and encouraged just enough in that one phone call.  that was the pivotal point of her treatment.  i think everything has been up to that point and since that point.  a marked difference.  and he helped bring her to that point.  but nobody could make this choice for her.  she ultimately decided she was ready.

things going so much better with both daughters lately.  better changes.  baby steps, improvements.  i hope and pray this home visit goes well for us all.  i am concerned that the oldest daughter ~A will be a negative a n g r y influence on the younger visiting, but we have discussed our concerns with her thoroughly.  i think she gets it.  i hope for peaceful and healthy interaction.

and the negative work situation has me down and feeling t r a p p e d.  want so much to get away from this very negative influence.  i regret i ever said yes to this offer that i felt so flattered to be asked to take on.  if i had had a crystal ball and i knew what kind of b o s s  i was getting because of saying yes, i would have absolutely said no.  i need to remember to focus on what i have control over.  and needless worrying will continue to rob part of the joy of life from me.  need the reminder.  trying to hold on to a ray of hope for something better.

and i should have slept last night (and i should be asleep now) but my mind is still processing and lingering and hurting.  i was upset today and so i reached out to a friend, but i was glad (but not at the time) that they weren’t reachable right then because instead of turning to someone else, i decided to journal everything going through my mind instead.  and that felt healthy to do that exercise and purging of the mind in that manner.  so glad to have returned to this journaling practice.  it also felt healthy to read from the book of isaiah and linger over the passage at the top of this post.  and it felt good to have mother in law call.  she just wanted to talk about a family heirloom/blanket she is sending and she also vented about ailing body parts.  she is a pistol!  and she keeps saying things to shock me .. she is old and sweet and she cusses like a sailor.  haha.  whooah, really.  

but what brought a sense of peace tonight was when i read from the book “when your prayers seem unanswered” by s. m i c h a e l  w i l c o x.  yes, in those pages, i felt a feeling of peace almost pour down me.  it changed my present mood of too much worry to more of a sense of acceptance for what i can not change. 

lately, i realize what matters so much more to me. 

other life stressors will get in the way and drag you down at times, but ultimately that is not most important.  these are just things that happen while you are living a life.

it is the hearts and lives of those i touch that mean the world to me.  family and friends are the heart and soul of it all .. the reason for it all.  this was always right here and so reachable, even when i didn’t notice so much.  hearing my 16 y/o ~E recently say, “and i love you all” puts it in perspective.

we have an opportunity here, kathleen

quiz: what kind of blogger are you?

a fun quiz. 

why do you blog? 

what kind of blogger are you? 

take the quiz if you desire.  these are my results. 

sweet dreams, kathleen

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life – a living diary.If it happens, you blog it. And you make it as entertaining as possible.You may be guilty of over-sharing a bit on your blog, but you can’t help it. Your life is truly an open book. Or in this case, an open blog!

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

just in case you forget

good food for thought.  a friend of mine sent me this week and it felt like the perfect thing to read that day.  may this touch your day.  let it soak in.  there’s some good gems here. 

happy friday, kathleen

 

                             “daily reminders”

“1. there are at least two people in this world who you would die for

2. at least 15 people in this world love you in some way

3. the only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you

4. a smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you

5. every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep

6. you mean the world to someone

7. you are special and unique

8. someone that you don’t even know exists loves you

9. when you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it

10. when you think the world has turned its back on you take another look

11. always remember the compliments you received.  forget about the rude comments”

what if i realized that i have what i didn’t think i wanted?

what if what i wanted was right in front of me this whole time, but i just wasn’t paying enough attention?

what if i realized that i have what i didn’t think i wanted?

what if i realized that what i thought i wanted, i never had?

“His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real.  They come in His way and on His timetable.  Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity.”

—–

savored a good moment with 16 y/o daughter ~E today.  we had a perfect weekly phone call with her and the therapist.  really looking forward to her arrival saturday.  during this phone call, i branched into some of the rules while she is visiting and what i have tried recently that i think is working and i shared what i have learned and applied to the other daughter.  and i asked for her input, too.  and hehe, ~E after awhile of this said, “wow, you sound like a therapist mom.”  we giggled and it was nice to share this exchange with her.  and she also added, “you’re a great mom.” whooah!  i have not heard her say anything like that in years.  wow.  i don’t believe it.  i know i have tons to always improve on, but it was so dear to hear her words today.  and the therapist joined in and added this that made my mouth drop … “people are getting paid a lot of money to write books that sound like how you talk.”  wow!  that amazed me that her therapist said that to me just about how and what i was saying to ~E about what i have learned and applied recently and what i want to work on with her.

deciding to make a choice and sticking by it is easier.  when faced with a situation that presses you, you don’t have to reevaluate how to proceed because you already made your decision — your standard — to strive to live by.  it is a lot easier to already have a decision made ahead of time .. before the extremity hits.

and another discovery.  i had the utmost pleasure of getting to share another long talk with a friend today.  i am immensely enjoying rediscovering this person who was lost to me.  i had no idea this was so attainable if only i had reached out sooner.  i had not realized that i still wanted this.  it took an extremity to reach this point.  i had no idea how sweet it would be to open up this gift, better than before … renewed, aware, and sincere.  things are not always as over as you think they might be.

choices are getting easier and easier to make and live with.  i like the softer heart i am discovering.

we are here to become something better because we were here in these lives we touch.

wow, i just noticed.  the sunset tonight is mesmerizing, like the most beautiful one i could ever hope to see.  hadn’t realized there were that many shades of orange.  a breathtaking discovery, like life anew.  why hadn’t i noticed what was right before me?

grateful, kathleen

my baby girl is coming for a visit

my daughter ~E (16 1/2 now) is doing so well.  hubby/daddy flys out tomorrow night to utah to pick up ~E and bring her back saturday am.

she said she will go to church/sacrament with me on sunday 🙂

 

she will be here until next friday morning (h a l l o w e e n) when he will fly her back to utah.  she will be released for good in december is what we are being told.  that will make 14 1/2 months that she was in the residential treatment center (RTC) in utah.  she is still doing great.  such a turnaround.  such a gift to see her change of heart.  had another awesome positive weekly phone call with her today (with therapist, ~E, me, hubby/daddy).  given what i know now and if the circumstances were the same, i would make the same decision to send her for long term RTC treatment.  i believe she was given exactly what she needed.  i am grateful that she was able to be connected up to this. 

 

i miss that girl.

things work out somehow someway.

kathleen

wordless wednesday — awh sleeps

awh, today my hubby and my pup luka are sleeping

this is living in a moment

so good .. last night my 18 y/o daughter ~A out of the blue coming over to me and wrapping her arms around me and saying, “i just haven’t given you a hug in awhile mom.”  awh.

so good .. all the better mommy-daughter interactions we have been having for the last couple weeks.  i am eating up the night and day different since i decided to not resort to yelling anymore.  she is responding so well.  we giggle more and seem more comfortable.  last night was fun to hear her all excited telling me about something she learned and she was talking so fast trying to get it all out to me and she had a big grin on her face.  awh.

so good .. missing my 16 y/o daughter ~E.  sharing awesome weekly phone calls with her (while she is still in the longterm residential treatment center in utah).  it hurts to miss her, but i am glad i feel that now instead of numb nothing which i did for a long time.  she has been doing sooooo good and she will be released very soon, dec likely.  looking forward to a visit soon.  miss my baby girl.  awh.

so good .. this morning, a friend checking in on me because she only saw me briefly the other day and she wanted to see how i was doing.  awh.

so good .. getting mauled with hugs by three little girls at church who i used to teach (primary).  i was looking for a friend of mine and before i knew it, my legs couldn’t move because 7 y/o ~EK, and 5 y/os ~LB and ~LN ganged up on me and tackled me with a group hug.  loved it.  they were all talkative and cute and giggly.  funny, they don’t even care if i don’t have stickers on me.  some of these little ones still come up to me just to say hi, share a smile, share stickers, or just a giggle.  awh, these are priceless moments.

so good .. hubby did it again, no surprise here.  he tried to throw his dirty boxers at me.  so i grabbed them and chased him through the master suite, closet, and adjoining bathroom while he squealed trying to get away from my pitcher’s arm.  i playfully smacked him with his drawers and we both giggled.  love that kind of moment.  awh.

so good .. a friend of mine at work called me “beany.”  awh.  haha.  i never told her that nickname.  i had emailed her a couple of notes because we were arranging to walk at lunchtime and i signed my emails kathleenybeany, cause i feel comfy with her.  (i do not use this in my normal work correspondence at all.)  it felt so neat to hear her say that for the first time.  so i am a dork.  haha.

so good .. peaceful music that helps me not forget His promises are sure.  music that moves my soul.  music that lifts me up and encourages me.  music that makes my heart feel like dancing in the rain with my face up.  music that makes my joy run over.  awh.

so good .. late night chats with our jim when the household is asleep.  dear friend.  love his brain, his wisdom, and his compassion and sweetness.  awh.

so good .. sharing silly comments and emails back and forth for the longest time with a silly friend.  giggling and snort laughing even though i can’t hear them but what we keep doing is making us both laugh and continue the playful exchange.  awh.

so good .. a long talk with a friend where we don’t even notice the passage of time.  sharing whatever is on our hearts at the moment.  giggling and laughing playfully to our hearts’ content.  awh.

so good .. “and the heart that is soonest awake to the flowers — is always the first to be touched by the thorns.”  — by t.moore

so good .. coming home to my doggies and crawling around on the carpet with them and nuzzling their heads with mine and giggling and them yapping/howling/talking to me as they climb all over me and kiss on me.  awh.

so good .. cuddling with my pup on the bed as he falls asleep in my arms.  awh.

so good .. flannel sheets.  fleece blankees.  cuddly stuffed animals.  cuddly pets.  cuddly friends.  being so comfy with someone you feel like you are wrapped in a soft cuddly comforter.  awh.

so good .. my 16 y/o daughter ~E saying “bye mom love you” before i got to it before jumping off the phone.  been a long time since i heard my girl say that.  awh.

so good .. a flag worker on the road was visibly shaking and cold looking.  my hubby pointed it out to me.  i ran to the back of the motorhome and grabbed an extra thick plaid shirt and as we drove up to her, i offered it out the window to her to keep.  you should’ve seen her face.  pure awesome.  she lit up and say “really?  oh thanks, yes, i am cold.”  and she took it.  she looked so happy.  that made me feel so happy to give something i had that could comfort somebody who needed it.  i felt lucky to get to be there right then.  awh.

so good .. making crafty cards at a friend’s house.  and i stayed too long and i was so wiped out and passing out.  and she drove me home so i wouldn’t be unsafe on the road.  awh.

so good .. realizing i’m better for the time we’ve spent together.  awh.

peace, kathleen

i have an itch

(can’t help it. i keep writing and reading so much lately. i am just going with it. so much is busting to come loose. didn’t even know this was on my mind tonight until i started talking to a friend of mine tonight because he posed some interesting thoughts and questions to me. i feel like i am in a philosophy class sometimes when i am talking with this friend. enjoy him immensely. i enjoy his brain immensely. and he is a kind soul. i love kind souls. okay, disclaimer is over. pull up a chair if you desire.)

i have loved that quote for years about “begin with the end in mind.”

i also read something recently that got to me and is kinda similar.  it was something like … decide what you want THEN plan your goals around that. 

hmmmm.

how can you make a goal and make plans if you don’t truly know what end result you really want?  i like the thought behind it.  just saying “i’ll do better” doesn’t seem like enough.  when i accomplished my associates, bachelors, and masters degrees, i very clearly plotted the end target for each and then i filled in all the courses each semester that would get me there.  and i reassessed and i updated and while working through the shorter term goals, i still constantly kept my eye on that end goal.  i had it written down each time and i pulled it out and i looked at it and i marked all over it.  it became fun for me in a way.  but i remember feeling sad in a way when i was near done with the last degree .. because i was thinking “what next?”  everytime i finished a big goal in my life, before i was completely done with it, i overlapped it and started another new one.

but since i finished my certification (credentials — hardest exams of my life) in my careerfield a couple years ago and served for a year as president of my career field’s local chapter last year, i feel kind of stale.  i don’t know.  just nothing.  i haven’t thought of another thing/goal to go for next.  i think i am bored and wanting to move on, to step outside of my comfort zone.  and i think the thought of staying in my present career field until i retire at age 55 (that’s 15 more years) sounds stifling.  i feel this urge that i want to explore something else and staying another 15 years in the same field feels depressing to me.  i’m not sure what to do.

i love the saying, “i work to support me and my family, i live to serve my God and others.”

since 1996, work stopped being my primary focus in life.  i remember back then that that was my number one priority.  i’m glad my priorities shifted and they shifted even more three years ago for the better i say.  but up until 1996, i thought nothing of working extra hours on the weekend often and doing it for free.  that was dumb.  there was always work to do and it really made no difference if i came in extra .. it just made me grumpier because nobody else was doing that.  i needed something else.

what helped me break that extra working habit was a friend in my life.  she was another mom/wife and we started walking every single weekend, usually saturdays for a couple hours and we hiked in the woods.  we talked of most everything going on in our lives and we were exercising at the same time, too.  it felt healthy to do this (the hiking and the talking/processing).  we did this almost every single weekend for several years.  it was a great experience.  she helped me to find a little more balance outside of work.  and since this experience it has been important to me to have more than just work as my life.  work will never again take top burner for me.

but i crave something career wise that i can’t quite put my finger on yet.  and i think i am kind of afraid to do something about it right now.  but i feel this some kind of itch that i can’t quite reach yet.  and i think i likely will keep feeling this itch until i find what it is.  i’m not done looking.

i’m glad i had my friend tonight to ponder this a little more with.  thanks my buddy.
🙂 kathleen

there is a better way

why not?

i thought i already believed in forgiveness before lately.  but i think i had only scratched the surface.  i’m still scratching.

now i am convinced that forgiveness is the way to go.  the scriptures that speak of this are not just word fillers.  those words are meaningful.  they mean more to me now.  they are in there for good reason.  when you are so filled up with anger, it is sometimes harder to be fully engaged in some of the good things in a life.  things bounce off you more than they absorb into your very being.

i didn’t do myself any good by holding anger in and not dealing with some past and present things. i’m noticing more lately what i want to try to do better about.

“letting go” has renewed meaning to me lately.

these are not just quaint words in a quote or a poem.  if you truly let go, something else can take the place.

it has been priceless for me to experience anger turning to forgiveness to something sweeter.  this has felt healthier and freeing.  this feels better.

i don’t believe that every forgiveness experience will lead to a renewed relationship, but i do believe that it doesn’t do us much good to hold on to anger like a big weight that holds us down.  and it did weigh on me.  and there is a whole rest of a lifetime to continue to try to make a better choice.

when you let go of anger and choose a better way, what is left in its place?  something better.  something softer.  more room for accepting and taking note of joy in a life.  if you’re not trying so hard to repel things and keep others out, … you let something better IN.

yes, there is a better way, kathleen

PS. awh, my 18 y/o daughter ~A came up to me tonight and wrapped her arms around me and said, “i just haven’t given you a hug in awhile mom.”  tis sweet.

sticking by a choice

what if this is exactly what i needed to face right now?

for a couple weeks now, i’ve been trying a different approach with my oldest, 18 y/o daughter ~A.

mainly through journal ponderings, it felt very clear to me.  hard as it was to accept right then, i think i had being too hard on my daughter.  i think i was too quick to anger.  i think i jumped to yelling far too easily.  i wanted to make a change. 

i could contain it (anger/yelling/the like) at work etc., but at home, i was letting it too loose.  and i did not like that part of me that i was seeing on my private journal pages.  why is it that we can sometimes so easily let it all go in our homes?  is it because those who love us and live with us see us at our worst and at our best?  is it because those who love us accept us, no matter what?  i am grateful that those who love me accept me, faults and all.  i feel that way about those i love.

but i did not like what i saw about anger.  this seemed revealing to me.  so instead of avoiding what was staring me in the face or ignoring what i knew i wanted to do something about, i made a decision.  i decided to try a different approach with her.  this was awkward and uncomfortable at first but i felt this was a necessary step to try.  i talked to her and i said i was sorry for how i had been angry around her too much and i told her i wanted to try to not yell anymore.  i told her i wanted to get along better and i wanted to make more effort to share more mommy-daughter moments.  she responded well to my peace offering and she seemed especially eager to plan a mommy-daughter date.

overall, these last couple weeks have been night and day different.  i told myself (and her) that I did not want to resort to yelling anymore and i haven’t been at all.  i have been approaching her with a softer more loving and forgiving manner.  taking it like baby steps.  one moment at a time, one day at a time.  and overall, it has been sweet to see her respond so far.  the other day when i corrected her and told her not to use that cuss word, she yelled at me.  but i made this choice recently and i want to stick by it.  instead of reacting to her and yelling, i told her to stop yelling, i’m not yelling, you come back to me when you are ready to talk in a good voice.  something like that.  and she did come back to me later, and she chose a different/better voice to use from that point on.  and she hasn’t yelled since then.  yes, baby steps, but overall, i think we are both trying to do something better.

i’m glad that i made this choice to try a better approach before she finished high school and moved out (because that is fast approaching and she is practically counting down the days until her independence). 

it doesn’t have to be “too late” to try to make a positive change for you and those you impact.

blessings, kathleen

award .. i super scribble, and you do too!

  thank you .. i’d like to thank the academy, hehe

awh, TARa from If Mom Says Ok gave me this award today for “writing with honesty, heart and and passion.”  thank you.  and TARa, you touched my heart this weekend, when you commented on one of my reflective posts that i have a beautiful soul.  thank you. 

i don’t normally pass on awards publicly.  i am usually private like that.  it’s just me.  live with it ((smiles).  but this award i especially like what it stands for.  it made me ponder hmmm, who out there writes often where their words usually or so often just pierce me and touch my soul or make me melt or just think .. awh, that was so good or so inspiring, .. or awh, that really makes me want to do better at (blank).  there are so many neat and inspiring blogs/writers out here and so many more to yet stumble across.  i can hardly wait.  this weekend, i spent some time branching out and reading and commenting on blogs who i have never gone to .. i just followed comments from my blog to other blogs and who they commented on and continued an endless chain.  but everything i went to first started out at something i already knew.  sounds like k e v i n  b a c o n  and six or seven degrees of separation.  what was a trip also was sometimes i bounced around through so many levels that i stumbled across bloggers who i had read when i first started this blog a year and a half ago.  small world, eh?  it made the walls seem smaller because ultimately so many of us knew so many of the same bloggers now or at one time.  it was fun and interesting.  sometimes not (but we don’t have to stay and linger at blogs that do not interest us at all, there are countless goodies to pick from).  but mostly it was neat.  in doing that, i accidentally stumbled upon one blog that i was instantly mesmerized by and i included it in my list of awardees here.  rarely does a blog/writer get to me in the very first or second post i read but if i hadn’t decided to branch out of my comfort zone of mostly just who i am used to reading, i wouldn’t have found this new gem that i immediately added to my google reader list of favorites this weekend so i can continue to be wowed by her amazing heart that she writes with.

so i thought about this today and no, i didn’t want to pass this on to everybody i enjoy reading or everybody who i enjoy a camaraderie with.  i want to highlight ten blogs .. their words move me so often by what they dare risk to say from their hearts.  these jumped out at me today when pondering this question.  if you have time, i hope you take a moment and check them out if you don’t recognize them.  each of these, in their own unique way, have and continue to speak to my heart in so many ways.  often, i leave their serious posts/blogs (or email alerts) feeling better for just having read the honesty and their take on things .. just better for it.

there are some little rules with this award and even though i prefer to make my own rules on my own blog (because it is MY blog, tee hee), there are some cool things here to pass on, too, so i will.

“Of course, as with every Bloggy Award, there are A Few Rules. They are, forthwith:

•Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.  i decided to stop at 10 awardees.  it was too hard for me to limit my praise to just 5.

•Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

•Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.

•Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.
•Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!”

in turn, i would like to acknowledge these bloggers, each one someone who writes with honesty, heart and passion.  i love the way these folks write.  they get to me.  if you don’t know them, i encourage you to check them out and see for yourselves.

with respect, i bestow this award to each of these (in alphabetical order).  thank you for spreading your wisdom or sharing your heart and passion of inspiring and deep words.

1-bruno, of “Morning Java With Life Coach Bruno LoGreco,” has this inspiring website.  almost every post or article he has submitted has gotten my attention in some meaningful way.  so many of his pieces just seem to be what i need to read that day.  he calls it like it is.  he has a refreshing voice.  he is sharp.  i always leave his website with another gem to take into my life. 

2- bunchy, of “The Bunchy Blog,” writes from the heart and so often i feel like i can relate to what she shares.  she first got my attention when somebody was mean to her on her blog and i was so impressed at how, even though so many folks were supportive and awesome and wanted to know who hurt her, i was way impressed that she let that person remain anonymous.  she showed class and she didn’t stoop to poor behavior that was done to her.  so many times, i have read her blog and just been thrilled to see how much i can understand her path at times.

3- candace, of “Dream a Little Dream,” is a defender of the American way.  when i think of candace, i think of God and country.  so many of her posts that i admire hit on American ideals, patriotism, and God.  her blog is full of her political views, too.  i didn’t join the Army (i joined the Air Force), but she is someone i would want in my foxhole with me.  so often i leave her blog (or email alerts) and my heart is full and pumped up and i want to go salute an American flag again.  this lady has spirit and guts that i admire.

4- cornnut, of “Picture of Experience,” is the one above who i was saying i happened to stumble upon this weekend when i was just hopping from blog to blog from comment chains.  i read a couple of her posts and my heart was so touched, i immediately added her to my google reader of favorites so i will be able to see her new posts when she puts them out there.  rarely do i love a blog when i first start to read it.  i usually have to spend a good bit of time there before i sometimes decide to add it to my favorites list.  but she got to me.  the pain and path she talked of recently going through made me want to reach out to her right now and i had never even read her before.  i was overcome with the way she shared so openly and honestly and i felt like offering any encouragement i could think of to share and ultimately, i knew i was hooked and that i would be back.

5- heather, of “Singing With My Heart,” shares a journey that few are willing to ever talk about.  her best posts i think are when she writes in pain.  she openly and with blunt rawness goes where few dare to.  and the way she writes is poetry in action.  do you realize how good you are at this heather?  you amaze me when you write so beautifully.  you get to me over and over.  you make me feel like i am right here along with you on a similar journey.  you are so easy to relate to about our similar adversities.  and i cheer you everytime you savor something healthy anew.  it is not our coldness that makes others want to give us warmth.  it is our warmth that makes others want to comfort us.  you have story to share.  you are such a giver.

6- huckdoll/jen, of “Huckdoll’s Hood,” also writes raw and with passion and honesty … and she also dares share what few are willing to.  when i first started reading her blog, i was almost immediately taken back by how she put it all out there and didn’t seem afraid to share some of the darkest most painful moments of her life.  her story has touched others and i bet, prevented them from making some of the same choices.  this is a gutsy feisty brave woman but still so sincere and humble.  she has inspired me more than once to not put up with bad treatment.  she has inspired me to stand up for myself.  and i can almost feel her cheering for me when i do.  don’t stop sharing.  you have a unique story to share.  you touch countless lives by your willingness to be real.

7- jenna, of “Cranberry Corner,” is someone who captured my attention the very first time i read one of her posts.  it was about finding her husband and it was such a touching story shared.  she writes with passion when she writes like this.  i can think of half a dozen of her posts that have pierced me.  if she hasn’t already broken into this, i suspect she will one day be a published book author for she is incredibly talented at expressing herself especially when she shared autobiographical accounts of discovery and learning and observation.

8- traci, of “Traci Hunter Abramson,” is my favorite author.  i usually jump from book to book and i don’t always finish each one i start.  she is one of the few authors where i can read one of her books from cover to cover in practically one sitting without getting bored or distracted or anything.  that is rare for me.  she writes so interesting to me.  she inspired me to dabble with creative fiction writing for the first time and it was so fun to dabble.  but no, i love that my career has nothing to do with creative writing.  to put out book after book on deadline is an amazing talent that some have.  and additionally, traci really made my day awhile back.  this was such a thrill to me.  i have shared countless emails with trace.  and recently, the owner of the alaska bookstore up here was down in utah i think at a bookshow and she ran into trace and she said ooo i know someone up in alaska who would love to meet you, who loves your books, etc, something like that.  the book owner couldn’t remember my name for a second and trace said something like oh you must mean kathleen.  (that was soooo cool.  that was such a thrill for me to have my favorite author say that and remember me.  still tickled.)  her books are exciting and full of suspense and icky scary plots of people trying to get somebody .. fun fun action. 

9- steve, of “The Ripple Effect,” has this incredibly inspiring website.  every single time i go there, i always leave feeling better for the experience.  he is so positive and has a perfect way of looking at the world and others.  he makes me want to try to be better in this world.  thanks for your example.

10- sue, of “Beggar’s Shot Glass,” when she writes her deep and heartfelt posts, i feel almost like i am really experiencing these moments with her.  not very many people can make me feel like i am truly experiencing every heart-wrenching moment (and joy) with her.  she has this amazing gift of flare when she writes like this.  her words dance across the page and mesmerize me and i can’t help but want to read even more.  i don’t skim her posts at all.  every word in her deep posts are worth the read to me.

this took forever to write up this post.  too many links, haha.  i don’t like putting tons of links in posts, but i wanted to share these awesome passionate writers with you.  i hope you check out some of these who you don’t already know.  each one of these, in their own special way, makes the blogosphere a better place in my humble opinion.

peace, kathleen

my name is kathleen and i have OCBD (hehe)

(for some reason, i have just been pouring out reflective pondering stuff lately, so THIS post has absolutely NO SERIOUSNESS in this.  this one is just being goofy and silly and playful.  i giggled while writing this.  have fun if you like but don’t expect any deep reflective moving piece here.  if you want that, go to the last few.  man writing and pondering has felt really good lately, here and in the journal.  tis good for the soul.  okay, disclaimer is over.  have fun.  have a cookie.)

 

hello,

clears throat.

sips some juice and takes a bite of a cookie.

my name is kathleen and ahem, … i have OCBD.

crowd clapps (hear it?  clap clap clap clap) and welcomes,

“heeeeellllllo kathleen!”

tee hee

what is OCBD?  why i made it up.  it is OCBD for obsessive compulsive BOOK disorder.  haha.  do you have this, too?  i think TARa does, hehe.  hi girl.

do you do this, too?

i keep buying books.  i have so many books in my home that i have never read or only started to read.  i have lots that i have read, but still there are so many that i haven’t gotten to yet.  i have piles of em.  here and there.  i have this habit of reading from many books at the same time.  every morning practically, i read a few pages from about seven books.  and some of my favorite books i have read over and over and i start over as soon as i finish them again.  one of my favorite books, i have done this for three years now, i just keep restarting it, and i don’t care that i only read one or three pages from it a day or so.  it just feels good to be in those pages eating up the wisdom from that author’s observation.  and you should see the back seat of my truck.  i have a little pile of them there, too.  cause i never know what i will want to read when i am out and about.  yes, i am one of those drivers who loves red lights (except when i am rushing to work) because i can use a few moments at a stop light soaking up a little bit more from one of the books. 

it is rare, but sometimes it happens.  sometimes i can actually read one book from cover to cover and not put it down before picking up another book.  but it is rare.  my favorite author i can do that with.  note, i have two of her new books and i haven’t started them yet because i know i likely won’t put them down and i still want to jump around so i hestitate to start the commitment of one of her books.

but i admit it.  i don’t always finish every book i start.  i get bored and i wander and i jump from thing to thing.  i jump from book to book as i read them.  probably why reading multiple blogs at the same time is so appealing to me. 

yes, i have multiple blog pages open at the same time a lot and i start to read something and then think of something else and then jump over to look something up or jump over to start reading somebody else’s blog.  so many different blog posts are interesting to me likely because they are not always long.  then after awhile i look at the bottom of my computer screen and i think to myself, man, why do i have all these sites open at the same time?  man i thought i finished leaving a comment on that one, … man i thought i finished that blog post i was writing, … man why did i leave that one page open for hours?  haha, i was not actually there all that time … i just forgot i left it open and i moved on. 

but with books, keep me away from garage sales.  when i drive by one, i feel the pull of force and my eyes linger over the site and i tell myself, no, stay away, don’t go, not this time.  i don’t need another pile of paperbacks.  i can’t stay away from them once i step into the vortex (hehe, yeah vortex) of a garage sale that also has old books in it.  i don’t need anymore.  i don’t need to start reading anymore autobiographies about people who died forever ago or are near dying and they are reflecting over their long career and life.  i have enough shelves full. 

i think possibly a bookstore is just about the best place on earth to go to and look around and oooo actually touch the new books and pick ooooo just one more maybe two that i must have .. and oooo what a great gift this will make for so and so.  i think, like certain awesome souls, bookstores draw me in … yea, they have a power that draws me in.  hehe.  they calm me in a way.  i feel like a kid in a candy store.  i have to buy at least one more book or maybe a group of books and i feel like i have a new treasure to bring home. 

i went to an event recently and that weekend i came home with like six adorable quaint small new books (yes, i prefer if they are not large hardbacks) and two new CDs.  okay, so i have actually immersed myself in most of them, but a couple of them still sit unopened in their packaging on a shelf.  one of them made me ponder recently would if i/we am right where i am supposed to be?  but the 7 or 8 books i bought at my last garage sale, they look darn cute on a shelf that i have yet to go past more than opening one page of one of the books … and it was a great inspiring thought, too.  you might see it tomorrow used in a post with the quote kicking off the post in a positive way.  or maybe not.

but there is some kind of satisfaction i get when i purchase yet another book that i don’t have time to read.  i hold it close and ooo ahhh over it (in my head, not in the store, i’ve never ooogled (yes, i know i spelled that wrong but spell check says it should be g o o g l e d and that is not what i want here) books and had people stare at me in public, but i get the new babies home and i feel excited, ooo a new gem to add to my stash).  and then i sit back and wonder why did i buy these three new books when i still have 40 in the house that i haven’t gotten to yet?

someday.

but today, ooo i am reading a new novel that my daughter loves … so i can share it with her because i know it will give us another thing to talk about and share together.

so, is this a problem?  nah, not really, this is just me.  i enjoy my habit the way it is.  and i am going to keep looking for that new book that just feels right to pick up.  this isn’t like this is bad for me.

so, i know i have OCBD.  do you?  or do you have it with something other than books?  share.  but not if it is creepy.  haha.  **giggles**

okay.

i want some more juice.

back to one of the books i started a few days ago.  i want to turn the page.

nighty night, kathleen

got purpose?

got purpose?

it’s interesting to me how when i start pondering and searching for something how things i read, conversations i am in, songs i hear … somehow often lead in that direction.  could it be that i am just trying to notice something more?  is the subject really coming up more?  or am i just narrowing my focus on purpose (haha, no pun intended)?  this reminds me so much of one of my psychology courses when i was in college.  things around us didn’t per se change … but our willingness to notice them did.

for example, you buy a G E O car.  and all of a sudden, you start to notice all the other G E O s on the road nearby.  there aren’t really more of them.  it’s just that your awareness has changed and you are “looking” for them now.  and eventually your desire to notice them wanes and you fail to see them so much anymore.

recently, i have been pondering purpose again.

i read an article the other day that got to me so much that i just had to read it a few times .. even though the more i read it, the more it made my head hurt.  why is that? 

(my head hurts so much lately.  i have been writing and reading so much lately, like fast and furious, i can’t seem to shut off the thinking, and i don’t want to either.  but i also have a cold and my head and my throat are miserable but this too shall pass soon enough.)

and later that day, i was exiting a business and instead of walking my routine route through the outer parking lot, i cut through the parking lot in between vehicles to get back to my truck.  and smack in front of my face i walked next to a big truck and in the front window below the rearview mirror was this simple sign hanging there with just two words …

“got purpose?”

hmmm.

it stopped me in my tracks.

this has been on my mind so much lately and i just happened to take a detour that i normally would not have taken and this sign is right in front of my face.  weird.  i chuckled to myself.  was i supposed to walk this detour?  weird.

yea, i do have purpose.

from a song …

“… i have a story to tell.

i have a song to sing.

a life to share.

a destiny to fulfill.

to live and share with others …”

i choose joy.  i choose peace.  i choose hope.  i choose faith.  i choose prayer.  i choose God.  i choose love.  i choose to lean on faith and the unknown.  this brings me peace and joy.  this brings me countless rich experiences that i hardly have room enough to contain at times.

“trust and faith is leaning on the unknown and believing He does lead me along.”

i don’t have to convince you of anything.  this is my choice. 

i seek joy.  i give joy.  i share joy.

the lives and hearts of those i touch … this is priceless ground to me.  we leave a legacy by sharing our lives with those we come into contact with.  and they do that for us, too.

got purpose?

absolutely.

we are that we might have joy, kathleen 🙂

tables turned

last night, a friend of mine reached out to me and asked for my help, and i gladly gave what he asked for.  he wanted my ear and he wanted my prayer.

so often, i am up late or in the middle of the night and sometimes we share emails and chats when most of the world is asleep.  so many times, he has been there for me to listen to me vent and share about something that is weighing on my thoughts.  and always, he is sweet and kind with me.  he feels like a brother to me.  we don’t talk all the time (he is out of town for his job a lot) but it is always a pleasure to share an email or chat out of the blue with him.  he is always consistent and dear.  he is safe and comfy.

two seconds before i was about to head to sleep last night, he contacted me and was stressed.  so glad he caught up with me before i passed out.  he asked me if i would say a prayer for him.  but of course.  he said he was sort of overwhelmed and stressing out and not sure if he could handle this test he was taking (he was taking a two hour test for one of his college classes and he was afraid he was too worked up to concentrate and pass it).  i immediately said a prayer for him.  i prayed and told him that i hoped that he would relax and that he would have clarity of thought and he would be able to finish his exam successfully.  he talked for a few more minutes with me and i could immediately see/hear/feel him calming down.  his stress quickly changed to reassurance and confidence.  it was awesome to see his change.  and then he went back to his test.  i went to sleep glad that i was available when he needed his friend.  i woke up a couple hours later and saw he had sent me an email letting me know how thrilled he was that he did very well on his exam and he wanted to tell me thank you for being there and for praying to help him calm down to take his test.  awh.  i’m glad that i could be there for him because so many times he has been here for me.  what a dear friend.  anytime, my brother.

peace, kathleen … beans 🙂

but your sorrow shall be turned into joy

“… but your sorrow shall be turned into joy.”  — John 16

simple, and yet this says so much.  this is meaningful to me.  it first became significant to me after a dear friend died suddenly in a vehicle accident a couple years ago.  i clung to these words, it was all i had to hang on to while i tried to make sense of her loss.  i took it hard.  this was the first time a loved one died suddenly and i didn’t know what to do with how i felt.  i just hurt. and there really was no sense to be made of this. i had other resources (like people who cared and that was great), but the scriptures … this passage in particular … was what most comforted me after her death. 

i love this how so often the thing that most brings me peace is what i read in the scriptures.  i am grateful that i remember so many of their words. so often, scriptures phrases run through my head, too, when i am not physically reading them.  i feel blessed that these words of comfort and guidance are so close at hand.  and after experiencing this friend’s death, the blessing (complete joy) i found in this was five people (me being one of them) who used to know and love her … we came together and we comforted each other .. we offered our shoulders of compassion to each other.  we didn’t really know each other much before our friend died, but we all leaned on each other and listened to each other after her death.  so the blessing in that experience was this outcome. it was easier for me to be there for somebody else because i knew how much i hurt, too.  i could completely understand their pain because i felt it, too. 

she was a beautiful example to us of a kind genuine soul.  she had it figured out.  the sweetest thing that i loved the most about her was no matter who or how many people were in the room, she ALWAYS made me feel like i was the only person in the room with her.  and i found out that the other four people also felt that way in her presence.  she made anybody feel that way in her presence. 

she left me an amazing kind example of how to just be with people you care for. 

sometimes awful hard things can and do turn into better and rich blessings.  but we have to pay attention and look for them because often they are not clear to us .. because we often walk through life with blinders to everything else (other than a present stressor).

pain doesn’t always have to stay painful forever.  it can and does soften hearts and helps you to lean on God and others when maybe you wouldn’t have before (because when things are going perfectly well, we tend to forget what matters most to us).

i’d rather have the pain at times because it has taught me how to FEEL more.  my heart would not feel soft and tender towards others were it not for painful experiences.  pain makes it easier for us to feel somebody else’s pain and makes it more natural for us to want to reach out and comfort another who is hurting.  my heart goes out.  my heart is full.  my joy is full. 

it is a blessing to recognize when sorrow has somehow turned into joy.  this is to be living fully-engaged in the moment.

peace, kathleen

I sent you

“I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.”  — John 14

angels walk among us.  we know these angels best as our loved ones and sometimes even as acquaintances in our lives.  so often it is through another human being that we are comforted.  we bless each other, most especially when we are hurting.

makes me think of a story i read a long time ago.  a man at the end of his life was speaking to God and going over his life.  he said throughout his life he had seen so much heartache and trials in others around him.  he asked God why He let these painful experiences happen to others and he asked why didn’t He send help to them.  God answered,

“I sent you.”

ooo, that sent chills through me the first time i read that.

sometimes you (me) are it.  we are the most important thing that somebody needs to help them through a tough trial.  and it doesn’t have to be a big thing that you do.  the small and simple things go a long way.  it doesn’t have to cost you money.  sometimes just some kind words and attention and true caring for another is just what someone needs to help them feel a little better about their situation.  you bless them with your loving kindness.  you give them hope to face another day.  you just love them until they can be the comforter to someone else in kind.

“I sent you” pierces me and reminds me that we are here for others.  we are here to care and lift up another.  we are here to give. 

peace, kathleen

    “Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly.  Leave the rest to God.”

meet my sweet doggies (luka, kinley, and xena)

meet my doggies. this is kinley and xena. so cute here.

awh! here is kinley surrounded by stuffed bears. so cuddly. this picture makes me smile.

awh my sweet puppy. this is my luka. he sleeps on my pillow at night. this is my special little guy. and he hugs/nuzzles and howls hello to me when i come home. this is the sweetest doggie i have ever loved.

xena and luka so cute. that is hubby's foot, not mine. i love what warmth cozy cuddly loving furry animals bring to a home. sure they make a mess but they give so much. i will always have at least one doggie.

opening a new chapter (forgiveness)

i hesitated to share this post because i thought this was too personal, but i decided to go ahead and share this anyway.  this observation of this blessing is precious to me.  and i don’t feel like keeping this to myself.  maybe somebody can be as touched by this as i have been so far.

forgiveness can be so sweet, i am learning.  it can also be a two-way blessing.

recently, i have been fortunate enough to take part in feeling anger turn into forgiveness which then turned into softening of a couple of hurt hearts and further turned into something even sweeter … a blessing.

come with me on this path of seeing this blessing for what it is.  i stand here amazed and with a grin on my face. 

even if this is all there is to this forgiveness experience, i can try to just accept it and i feel blessed and more made whole by this.  but if there is more to reap from this, i welcome it gratefully.

this has blown my mind in a really good way.

this has really surprised me.  this is another thing that i did not think i was capable of fully doing.  since experiencing this, i feel satisfied and hopeful that i could do this again.

lately, i feel like i have been putting things in order.  i have been striving to take care of unfinished business that i don’t feel right about where things are right now or where i left them when i thought i was “done” with them.  this isn’t easy.  but it feels necessary to me.  feels worth it to me.

for some reason (and i just decided to do it and not over-analyze this to the point of talking myself out of taking action), my heart was tugging me big time recently that i should apologize to someone who I USED TO BE friends with.  we had not talked in not quite a year. we ended on very negative terms.  i was mad at her.  to be blunt, i was ticked to the moon at her and anything to do with her.  the mere thought of her, even just her name, made me feel irritated and angry. it hadn’t really occurred to me that i still felt this way until recently.  i had completely written this off, so i couldn’t understand why i felt i needed to do anything here.  i certainly never imagined that we would EVER talk again.  but then lately, something changed inside me.  my heart was being tugged BIG TIME that i needed to try to say sorry to her.  it was ripping me up inside that i should just send some peace offering of sorrow.  this was eating me up until i took action.  i felt no peace about this until i made an attempt to say sorry.

i kid you not (and i do this when something is bugging me that i need/want to take action on) … the words to an apology note were just BOMBARDING my head, drowning me.  the letter was forming in my thoughts and the words were running over and over just irritating and nagging me!  i had to get up that morning and write the words to an apology and i very carefully picked every word that i wrote her in that email and then i had the guts to send it, too.  i almost didn’t send it.  it did not feel good enough to me to just write the note to get it off my chest and then not send it.  i had to send it.  and i am so glad i sent it for it set in motion a chain reaction .. a good chain reaction.

before sending the note, i had realized that i had been holding in so much anger to her and i finally felt so sick of feeling that way at times.  so that bombarding morning, i chose to let it go and reach out to her and offer the sorry email.  i sent it.  i felt better after sending it.  yep, felt way better.  felt like i had taken a weight off of my shoulders that had been bugging me.  i had absolutely no idea how she would take it.  i didn’t even know if she still used that email account.  but i felt i had to try.

i was so shocked and pleased really that she responded to my sorry note.  she sent me a note that same day and she said she was sorry for things, too.  it was sweet and so not what i expected.  i think i expected to never hear from her again.  but i really did like this friend before (i remember her super kind soul and i liked what i knew in her before) and it mattered to me to try to get my sorry to her.  and they weren’t just words.  i really sincerely felt/feel sorry and i wanted to try to make amends. 

i had no idea this would happen, but she wrote me again and i wrote her again and she wrote again and i did, too.  that day and into the next day and night, we shared back and forth geez a total of almost 80 emails.  we could’ve picked up the phone anytime, but we didn’t and instead just kept emailing over this period.   i hardly slept that second night. this felt good, even healing. i was so surprised that we shared all those emails in such a brief time.  we just kept continuing that same conversation.  and the first several emails from her just kept choking me up. and she said the first few also made her tear up. yea, they kept making me tear up.  i didn’t know what was wrong with me. or was this right with me? why was i reacting like that?  maybe it was just the blessing of feeling anger turn to forgiveness and something really soft emerging. 

i still can hardly believe this, but i sure like it so far.  it feels like opening up a gift that i never thought i could again.  yes, it felt really awkward at first but i got more and more comfy.  but i was so touched how soft her heart seemed again.  and mine is softer, too.  i know it.  i feel it.  i stopped feeling mad and the only thing i feel now is soft, caring, loving, concerned, empathetic.  i don’t feel anymore anger at all.  wow, i had no idea my anger would turn to that.  i was (and still am) so surprised that i no longer felt anger and all these different/better feelings/emotions came out of me (and her). 

these last few days have been especially sweet and tender to me because a friend who i thought i would never talk to EVER again is amazingly here again.  i have no idea for how long but it feels better than before if that makes sense.  i don’t know what i expect.  but i feel comfy again and willing.  i still care and i didn’t think i did .. but i honestly still do.

so these contacts (TONS of emails and texts so far with an old friend who i thought was somebody i never wanted to know again) have felt just sweet.

very cool.

i am really blown away by this experience maybe because i feel like such a baby experiencing something like this for a first time of seeing something so much better emerge.

i never imagined that that one gesture of saying sorry to close a chapter of my life .. would actually kinda OPEN a new chapter possibly.

peace, kathleen

being given what i NEED, not what i WANT

God gives us what we NEED, not always what we WANT.

lately because of journaling likely, my heart has been tugged (okay nagged and smacked around really) that i needed to say sorry and try to mend connections with a few in my life lately.  i felt i had unfinished business i needed to try to take care of, not just with my daughters but with some others, too.  not done yet, but the experience … the fruits of these efforts … so far has been amazing to me.  i had no idea i needed this.  i had no idea how much better this would feel.

i choose peace.

i choose to let go of bottled up anger.

i want to keep choosing this.  i want to try.

hmmm.  what i (and others) have missed.  the sweets lately from making a different “choice” have been so much better.  that reminds me of something someone told me lately about how it is sometimes easier to just keep doing what you are doing.  it is sometimes harder to decide to make a different choice.  and doing that can be so uncomfortable at first.  it is scary at first, it is a risk, it is humbling, but this is not a bad thing.  hmmm.  coming before someone and saying sorry, let’s try again really lays it out there.  that’s scary.  they could just trample all over you.  or they could soften their heart, too, and embrace and welcome and invite something better.  contrite is good.  hmmm.  this is making me think of coming to the Lord with a broken and contrite spirit and offering it.  He is the perfect example of this. 

hmmm.  when you take out anger, there seems to be more room for good stuff in its place.  hurt hearts can come together, can resume from a better place, and can relate and possibly trust a little more .. maybe begin to trust again if things had been so rough, can get along better, can care more than before, can care maybe more than ever, and can do everything more.  more that i haven’t even fully realized and discovered all of yet.  but it is good and so much better.  and i imagine (and sure hope) that this is just the beginning, that this is a healthy start .. or healthy restart.  a new beginning.  oooo, i remember pondering about “a new beginning” when i was a teenager and all these writings fast and furious started pouring out of me for the first time from age 16 through 18.  that was when i first started a love of writing and purging the soul.  and i had a trusted and deep friend at the time who was so into this, too, and it was so intriguing to share this journey with her.  that is when i first discovered how good it felt to write and ponder and purge the mind and share it, too with someone i could trust.  for the first time, everything that i had bottled up in my life started to come out of me and it felt good to let it out and to begin to let go and move forward.  and i wrote like that as long as i needed to.  and recently, it has felt like it did then to resume this purging the soul writing again and to share some of it.   

i hadn’t really realized how angry i was.  i needed to try to let go of it and invite a healthier conversation to start again.  something was tugging on my heart lately that i was angry at my teen daughters and i HAD TO change something and try a different more forgiving and loving approach before it is too late with them (before they are done being “kids” and grown up).  and my change of heart, yea i call it that, has been so well received with 18 y/o ~A so far.  it has already been going so much better with 16 y/o ~E for some time now.  until i recently started journaling again, i hadn’t really realized how mad i was (not constantly), but it was blatantly clear to me that i was bottling up so much anger, i started noticing patterns, and it was ouch, an eye opener, not really something i wanted to see either, but i was trying to be honest with me, too.  hmm, key word there.  honest. in journaling with yourself, there is nowhere to hide with yourself.  how completely honest that is.

and so far, it has been such a sweet surprise to see my daughters act so differently (so much kinder, sweeter, more gentle) with me.  and i like how i am softening, too.  i can’t help noticing how different and better and sweeter this back-and-forth so far is.  this feels like a blessing to experience this so far.

i am applying this to my daughters and to others i want to try to do better by.

i didn’t know i NEEDED this or wanted this.  i think God helped provide what i/others needed here.  even when i don’t recognize what i need, He always provides it.  and how much better it feels when i recognize and appreciate it (a difference) right when it is happening.

it is awesome to recognize a moment RIGHT when you are in it.  that is living in the moment.

i have been blown away (really pleased and happy) with how different and better ~A is being with me lately.  i am so glad i told her i wanted to work on not yelling, i wanted to try to do better and get along better.  she has changed so much for the better in how she is dealing with me lately.  it is like night and day different from up until recently.  and she shocked me that when i came home from work the day before, she had already taken all the garbage out to the street (for the next morning pick up).  i had only asked her ONCE (before i left for work that morning).  it wasn’t like normal, where i showed up after work, felt irritated that she again forgot or chose not to do it, and i said it seven or ten times then finally yelled.  this is a good sign.  and then when i got home from work yesterday, i noticed immediately that she had taken the garbage cans up to the house before i got home.  she did it without me even asking ONCE.  i often bring them up to the house once i get home from work.  these are little chores but they are big observations to me that she is not having to be asked over and over to do a minor chore lately.  and big time, i notice lately that we are sharing more light-hearted laughing moments and it is sweet.  i scheduled to be off from work today so i can take care of a couple appointments without trying to squeeze them in around my work schedule.  and she cracked me up the other night when she suggested a funny thing that i should do with my day of leave.  she made me laugh and i playfully smacked her shoulder.  and she laughed, too.  (yes, i am a hugger and a playful shoulder smacker in person with my buddies.)  i immediately smiled and pondered, wow, i just smacked at her shoulder and i felt like i was laughing with an adult friend of mine.  i forgot for a moment that i was with my 18 y/o daughter.

recognizing the fruit of this effort have been sweet so far.

or i am over the top and too sentimental, haha.  no.  i am trying to be aware of the good things lately because of acknowledging and trying to smooth the connections.

i am grateful that my sorry attempt was accepted.  i know it didn’t have to be accepted.

in some ways, i thought it was way too late.  what a neat surprise to see it again.  it is like seeing a gift that i never thought i could open again.  i thought i never had the right to open this gift again.  but others are letting me 🙂

a little more grateful today.

choosing peace, kathleen

what a release

figuring out this private journaling thing lately.  it’s so strange.  i had completely forgotten that that was important to me.  until a year and half ago, i used to always private journal.  but when i started this “so grateful …” blog, i completely abandoned that practice and i didn’t really consciously do it.  i just let myself get out of the habit as i only wrote in my blog.  i forgot all about it.  and somehow i thought that any journaling would just be on my blog.  but how limiting.  and how i short changed myself.  there are so many way too personal things that i never would have felt comfortable writing on my blog, so i didn’t write them down at all.  i let them swim in my head at times.

i was so wrong to think that my only journaling would be the form of the blog.  since i have been rediscovering private journaling again lately, i have been feeling so F R E E I N G, yea, that’s the word.  so many emotions .. raw, hard, intense, toxic, ick, and good have come out of me and wow i can look back at what i wrote and wow .. patterns jump out at me .. wow, things jump out at me that i need/want to take care of.  and what has amazed me is things/emotions have come out of me that i hadn’t even realized i had bottled up in me.  the most surprising one has been anger.  wow.  this has been enlightening.  but it has felt good to rant and let it all out, no matter what is on my mind.  i really messed up by not private journaling the last year and half.  i held so much toxic inside.  and when i hold toxic inside, sometimes i let the whatever is bugging me just drown my thoughts.  so, yea, this has been good/peace-finding to have a place again to journal and let it all out.

i’ll take the bad with the good. 

how did i forget that this was so important to me?  weird.  but glad to have rediscovered this again.  it’s almost like the lights have come back on if that makes sense.

“journaling helps to get it all out there, and the feelings, good, bad, fresh, pent-up, they all get to be released, and the soul can become unburdened.”

and what has been good and necessary (uncomfortable at first but still good ultimately) has been to realize wow i have this unfinished business and i need to say sorry to some others in my life.  and amazingly, it has gone alright so far. 

i see promise.

man i missed this journaling.  i journaled from age 12 est until a year and a half ago.  i feel like, in a way, i am getting back in touch with more of me.  i forgot that i like her/me.  a lot.  i neglected this part of me.  i don’t want to forget this again.

i’m seeing things in a different light. shaking the blinders off and seeing a little more clearly.

getting it 🙂

prayer doesn’t change things, prayer changes people

what if i am right where i am supposed to be?

“polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you.  go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart.  love life and look for its opportunities, and forever and always be loyal.”

for some reason, my post called “i never said it would be easy, i only said it would be worth it” is the all time most popular hit by far on my blog.  people gravitate to it and i don’t know why.  maybe they feel comforted by the words like i do.  i know the first time i read this quote, i was immediately struck by the words.  wow, they got to me and they still do.  the quote pierced me the first time i saw it at the bookstore.  it is in a picture frame with a picture of Jesus and i bought it and it hangs over my front door.

i love the reminder and i love seeing it in my home entry way before i leave for the day.  sometimes i forget to look at it.  sometimes i forget to look up.  and when i do, i ponder, why didn’t i look at you for awhile?  i must have let myself get distracted.  i’m back.

if you know me, you know i don’t really believe in coincidences.  i think a lot of times things happen or begin to occur when we are ready to experience something for some reason.  not really by chance.

i have adapted this quote to my life and i strive to live by it.

some of the hardest experiences have given me some of the best lessons and i wouldn’t trade the hard for anything … even my teen daughters running away and being missing for 3 weeks and 4 days summer 2007.  it was gut wrenching hard i won’t kid you but overall i felt a sense of peace/calm that passeth all understanding.  friends of mine, some who i didn’t even know super well up to that point out-poured caring kindness/support to us.  overwhelmingly, too.  and most importantly, i felt like i had nothing else to hang on to or turn to BUT to turn to GOD.  i never really thought much of prayer before that experience.  but i prayed my heart out all the time while they were missing (things like we don’t know where they are, please look after our girls) and it was during those walks and prayers in the sun on those work days (i still had to function and go to work and be responsible even though we didn’t know where they were and we were in pain … but still overall), i felt a sense of peace that made no sense .. but it helped me get through that.  and it helped me to comfort my husband who didn’t feel that sense of peace.

you know what’s kinda amazing to me?

THEE DAY that the girls ran away (13aug2007) on my quote a day calendar that my grandma made for me long ago has this quote .. “prayer doesn’t change things, it changes people.”

and i have not moved that 13aug quote calendar over to any future days either.  it sits right by my computer.  i am not willing to go to the next day UNTIL 16 y/o ~E comes home finally from the utah residential treatment center likely in december.  how far we have come since that day she ran away w/her sister.

we are all, overall, much better since then.  lots of bumps, but still plenty of good, too.  and i am glad that 18 y/o ~A and i have been getting along much better lately … i know it is because i have made a more conscious effort to treat her like i want to be treated … i know it … and she has been responding very well to these efforts.  it has been like candy (if i still loved candy) to experience the light-hearted laughter moments w/her the last few days.  it’s like the lights came on and i wondered to myself … where have i been?  why did i stop paying attention to this?  was i numb and just going through the motions?  i was missing things.  i don’t want to miss as much again.  if i don’t pay attention and try to strive to do better in some of my relationships, i will lose them … and nobody can do what i am supposed to do.  i have to live this path and nobody can do this for me.  i said it the other day (in a journal entry).  i feel like in a way, i was stuck on pause again … and i hit the pause button on the VCR again to resume … to hopefully more fully get back into it.  i look at my life and i know at times (sometimes for long periods) i have been stuck on pause and going through the motions functioning and successful in parts of my life but not fully engaged.  i don’t know why i do that at times, but i see patterns.  if i am kind of numb, i don’t really have to FEEL everything.  i think i learned this to survive my early years that were unfathomable to accept.  and at various points in my life, something has sort of “clicked” and i have “got it” just a little bit more and i move forward a little more and a little better.  this is so ingrained into the whole of me, like a body part i can not chop off.  i keep opening up the blinders a little more each time i become a little more aware and willing to move on.  and i wonder a little bit about where did i go?  why did i check out and escape?  did i escape?  i feel like i blinked and the last few months, especially the last couple months just flew by so fast they practically disappeared from my life. 

eyes a little more wide open again, instead of with subconscious blinders on.

while they were runaways, prayer/leaning on God COMPLETELY became very personal and real and so comforting to me … a comfort i never experienced before that awful adversity.  i have never thought the same about personal prayer and in trusting/leaning on God since.  

i believe and i trust that the experiences i am given, especially the hard ones, are for my good.  there is some benefit, some reason for it all … and if not known now, it will eventually all become very clear as to why. 

i know that He is mindful of me/us and i know i am not on my own in this walk through life.

even though it all hurt so much, i am grateful that there was something in my life that brought me to my knees, to His feet … completely.

i’m not afraid to lean on and trust. 

it will be always be okay somehow someway.

peace, kathleen

a gift for no reason at all

this was fun.  i decided to surprise my daughters for no reason yesterday.  i went to their favorite place just about … the bookstore.  i found 16 y/o ~E a new book by one of her favorite authors.  and i looked around for something different for 18 y/o ~A.  ~A has a passion for all things from the japanese culture, so that was my intent at first to seek for something with that flavor.  but while i was looking, i came across something else.  it was this little chinese box and book and it also housed a little ink pad and four long wooden tools, each with a different symbol at the end (to be stamped into the ink pad and stamped on paper).  the symbols mean happiness, or peace, or joy, or luck i believe.  i thought the little gift was so cool looking.  and i thought she might have fun adding something like that to her good mail that she sends out.  i was all excited when i got home, so i left the chinese box in a good spot waiting for her to get home from work.  i placed it right on top of her video game player thingy.  good spot.

she came home from work.  i was in the other room, but i listened.  and she quietly and curiously came into my room and asked me about it and is this for me?  really?  why did you do this for me?  it was cute.  i told her i just felt like getting her something for no reason at all.  so she opened up the chinese box and book etc and we discovered everything at the same time.  then she tried out one of the stamps.  you should have seen the smiles on her face.  she looked really happy.

and the other night, i had fun laughing with her.  i laid on the living room floor and watched her play her video game (some kind of boxing/fighting game) and she showed me all the characters she created, their look, their name, their wild outfit.  very creative.  i was impressed at what she came up with.  i could tell which ones were her characters, too, because they all had some kind of funky fashion conscious get up.  and we both laughed as she kicked butt smashing down so many opponents.  did so awesome winning so many games.  she’s very good at this.  and she had a grin on her face as she talked with me during these games.  a good moment.

and this was also cool last night.  i asked her to put a garbage bag in the kitchen can … and she did it after i only asked her ONCE.  wow, not after i said it seven times and yelled finally, … she did it after the first time i asked.  she’s going to be okay.

peace, kathleen

what if you still pine for what you had?

a stranger to me left this comment/question on my blog last night.  this was on a really old post of mine that is sometimes quite popular on my blog stats.

i have no idea who this person is but their question to me made my heart go out to them.  i was struck by their words and have been pondering them since last night.  here’s what they wrote.  and i included the email i sent them.

peace this day, kathleen

from not an anonymous stranger last night:  “What happens when you had it all, and you gave it up to do something else, and finally realized that you didn’t like it so much after all? Would you still look for the good in the change or would you pine to be back where you thought you had it all?  *I’ve basically just had a lousy day* “

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part of my email to the non anonymous stranger this morning:  

” … i can relate to your question because of something i have been experiencing during this past year.  

and in answer to your question, i say i experience both.  sometimes i look for the good things about the change.  but other days, i also pine so much for what i gave up and walked away from.  but i think there is still something to be gained in the tough experiences.  i  h a t e some of this past year, but i also think that i am stronger in a way, a good way, for experiencing some of it.  and i can’t dismiss that.  but i still crave some of the good that i used to have that i left behind.  i feel torn at times big time.  but i have to find some kind of peace about it, otherwise it will tear me up too much probably.  

i don’t think things we experience are necessarily an accident.  i think we can take positives from everything.  sometimes it is so hard to find them though. 

but i don’t want to give up.  i want to still try.  i choose peace.  or the seeking of it.  always will be a work in progress.  

hope you are able to find some peace out of what you wrestle with.  

blessings to you this day,

kathleen”

neat quiz: what tarot card are you?

hmmm. intriguing. answer some questions if interested and see what tarot card you seem to be like. neat little quiz.

this says i am …

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

disclaimer: i don’t dabble with tarot cards.  but i do like to answer little quizzes/assessments from time to time. 

scrolling saturday .. only certain people will you be drawn to

i am reposting this today.  i accidentally came across this post today when i was looking for something else. 

shout out to melissa who came up with the idea to sometimes do a “scrolling saturday” and repost a post that you want to for some reason.  thanks melissa.  i like the idea from time to time.

i originally posted this not too long ago, summer, 20jun2008.  you know what is especially sweet about THIS post?  the wife of friend ~D who i talk of here who i felt so no connection at all with … all that has changed.  during some of the worst of a recent awful hard work experience, she reached out to me and she sincerely showed me the heart of a friend at work.  she offered me her ear and her professional advice.  and i feel so comfortable with her now.  i had no idea she would force (not really force, but in a great way) her way into my friend heart when i wasn’t even looking for a friend in her.

surprised the tar out of me.  but in a good way.  that was effortless.  and sweet. 

it is interesting to me how sometimes looking at previous things i written wow hit me in the face and surprise me or just strike me as interesting wow i was thinking that then?  i forgot.  i love writing a journal, this public blog one, and more private again lately, too.  if i don’t write down what is going on, i will forget so many details. 

from june…

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happy friday everyone,

reading this post by i’m being held hostage got me thinking about this.  thanks jeri for an excellent post.  i loved reading this and what this also got me thinking about.  at first, i thought this was just going to be fun to read, i didn’t realize you were also going to pull at my heartstrings.  but i am glad you did.

there are certain people who cross our paths in life who we feel “drawn to.”  it either happens or it doesn’t.  just can’t force it.  it is there or it isn’t.  i know a couple and the husband (~D) and i get along so well and joke and can talk forever and we share an occasional hug (i missed ya) when we haven’t seen each other for awhile.  and we giggle our hearts out and he is so fun, like talking and rough housing with a brother who i like.  the wife is sweet to me, she tries to reach out to me.  but there is no connection there.  i just don’t feel it.  i would cringe if she ever tried to hug me, i know i would.  i feel uncomfortable talking with her for even a minute.  i feel that “dead silence” awkward feeling, you know what i am talking about .. where you are scrambling in your head for anything to talk about and the whole moment you are thinking, how fast can i get out of this conversation?  but her husband, i feel like i am with an old friend who i have known forever.  and no, i am not attracted to ~D at all.  i just feel a camaraderie with my friend, but i feel so awkward with the other part of the couple.  i can’t fake how i feel and i can’t force a friendship with someone i am not feeling it with.  but she is really sweet to me.  but i don’t want any more that to just share not much more than hi/bye with her.  and i really don’t think this has anything to do with the fact that she is female and he is male.  it doesn’t really matter to me what the gender is of someone i click with.  i am typically more comfortable with guy friends, but not always.  you just can’t click with everyone.

but when you do, it is awesome.  my best friend, i felt immediately drawn to.  i felt a pull, like a magnet, and i just knew i wanted to try to get to know this person.  and if she would let me, i would be honored to be her friend.  i love and savor how this has worked out so far.   i treasure this.  it is a blessing, truly a sweet blessing, to feel this drawn to and connected with another soul you adore.

you can’t really help who you are drawn to.  but when you are, it is and can be so awesome. i love and adore and am very open with my closest people. i am not fake. i call it like it is.  if someone doesn’t like me for who i am, then i don’t want to know them … or don’t need to either.  i am real and i am kind. what you see and hear with me is what you get.  i don’t play games.  and i do not respect it or appreciate it when people play games with me.  if i figure out that that is what is happening, i won’t stay in the picture very long.  i love myself too much to waste my time with friends who aren’t good to me.  there are so many people out there who want to be a good part of your life (so many who you haven’t even met yet, but you will).  we get to move through this life collecting up the best of the best .. and keeping close to our hearts those who are the dearest to us.

jeri also talked of a “friendship fling.”  my heart just broke for her as i read of this “friend” who dropped her “like a flavor of the month.”  i know that stings.  but we learn something, too, from these tough things.  when you have it soooo good with someone, you KNOW it and savor it even more.

and if a “friend” drops you soooo quickly, we are better off if it happens right away instead of devastating us even more after having that friend for a very long time.  but i think we can and do become an EVEN BETTER friend to certain others NOW because of painful experiences like this. 

think about it.  if you ever had a really cruddy awful friend, then you KNOW and can appreciate it when you have a beautiful sweet tender awesome dear friendship now.  you KNOW the difference and you cherish it even more.  i know i do.  i know how blessed i am now.  i am grateful to know this.

i don’t think we are given experiences just for no good reason.  each experience and person who impacts our life (positive or negative) changes us in a way.  we are better off for what we take away from these.  we take what we have learned.  we bring this into future experiences.  and we keep getting better and better.  haven’t you noticed that you are a much better friend and companion to your favorite souls NOW than you were in your younger years?  this is learned.  and if you are awesome now and were awesome at this in your younger years, then you are extra amazing because most of us i believe have had to grow this naturally over time and with each experience.

bottomline i want to say is .. if you are not “drawn” to someone, that is okay.  don’t force it.  there are so many people who you will cross paths with in life who you will feel drawn to like a magnet (“kismet”) and vice versa.  when it happens, you just KNOW it.  develop those relationships.  these are the best kind.

happy friday, kathleen

no hurry .. in their own time

“His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real.  They come in His way and on His timetable.  Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity.”  — by s.w.tanner

my 16 y/o daughter ~E who has been in the residential treatment center (RTC) in utah since sep2007 has been doing soooooo good finally lately.  these weekly conversations with her, her therapist, me, and hubby/daddy have turned into something so much better.  it has been such a blessing to see her transform and change for the better so much in recent weeks.  her cards are also amazing now .. just sweet.  she will come home for good soon, likely december.  i miss her so much lately.  i want her to be done with this treatment program now.  she has made so much progress.  done.  it ends soon.  want her home now.

the change of heart i have witnessed in her has been and continues to be a tender blessing.

here is a card that she wrote me recently that made me tear up.  just couldn’t help but react to this sweetness.  i can’t remember if i already posted this.  but re-reading it today especially after our positive phone call yesterday really got to me.  before she ended the phone call with me, she said “bye mom love you” before i got a chance to say that.  how far she has come.

” … i’m glad to have such a fun mom who is a kid at heart, likes to make things and who does things for me even though she doesn’t always have to.  i look forward to our future mommy daughter dates and talks.  there is no one like family.  i’ve had friends and boyfriends that left, which makes me realize that family really are always there.  this has taken me so long to accept.  now as i get older i find out what’s truly important in life.  you are mom and will always be my mom and i am glad for that.  i hope to see you soon.  your little girl, ~E”

awh.  choked me up again to read this today. 

and a week that was rough in the beginning ended with much better moments with my other daughter, 18 y/o ~A.  been facing some tough realizations on the homefront this week and decided to try a different approach.  decided to try and live that quote at home that i posted on my blog the other day.  “you teach people how you want them to treat you.”  she has responded favorably to my peace offerings.  and we have had some better discussions and light-hearted moments since.  baby steps.  i still have some time with her before she moves out after finishing high school.  i have to try to make it better.  it starts with me.  i’m wrapping this up because ~A and i have a mommy daughter date in a few minutes.  couldn’t believe it, but ~A asked me this week for advice on something.  that was a good sign.  and tonight she talked about how she is planning for us to do a mommy daughter date next month for just the two of us “no, i’m not inviting a friend, mom, it will just be us” to go to opening weekend showing of the T W I L I G H T movie.  she has so been looking forward to this.  me, too.  and we giggled and talked as we drove tonight.  it was a fun moment.  and you know what?  i did not feel like i was talking and giggling with my almost adult daughter.  i felt like i was with an adult friend.  hmmm. 

thinking lately … it is never too late to try to improve the relationships in your life.  i don’t want to give up on them.  i want to try to make em better and richer and more satisfying.

and there’s no hurry.  in their own time, naturally and with some effort, we will attain that which we seek to foster and develop.  won’t always get everything we want, but we can still try.  what other choice is there?  give up or try.  i want to try.

“first say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.”  — by epictetus

night, kathleen

i don’t know yet … and lightbulbs

happy friday readers.  so glad for the end of my work week.  hope you are near the end of your work week, so you can get a break soon, too.  in case you were wondering about the interview/job prospect from earlier this week that i interviewed for (see post couple days ago if interested) … nope, i have no idea what happened.  i don’t know if they have made a decision yet or if they picked one of the other two.  i do remember one of the chiefs saying in the interview that they didn’t think this position would be stimulating enough for me.  hmmm. and one of the things they wanted experience, i don’t have much of yet, so that probably hurt me. i did not say how much i D I S L I K E my present position that i wish i had never been asked to do … but i hope i did not make that come across in my interview answers and in questions i asked.  i also added that taking this position would give me an opportunity to gain/give some experience in part of my career field that i have not had yet and i wanted to explore.  i loved the interview experience this week.  it was energizing and fun.  they are always fun to me.  they are always worth the time and effort to me.  since i don’t know anything yet about their outcome/decision, i will just assume they picked one of the others.  i keep looking.  moving forward.

i read this gem again today.  thanks TARa for the laughs.  i have read this before but i laughed all over again.  enjoy.

seize the day .. carpe diem, kathleen

“Q: How many women with MEN O PAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGH- OUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!!

I’m sorry…. What was the question? ~ from Min nie Pa uz”

hahahahaha 🙂

this brings comfort

The Lord’s Peace Brings Comfort

“Life often feels like a great pile of obligations, frustrations, and disappointments.  But the Lord is there, always the same, His arms still outstretched.  When we feel overwhelmed, we have to remember the peace He has spoken to us on previous occasions.  His peace brings comfort and strength.” 

          — by k.h.hughes

<me here>

and my fleece blankee comforts, too, (smiles) kathleen

a surprise interview today

i had a job interview today in my career field.  what a rush.  the interview today was a surprise and i liked it.  i am SO GLAD i wear a suit everyday to work because i had no idea i would be called down hey could you come over now?  i was thrilled that i dress for an interview everyday .. so i was already prepared and i didn’t know that was going to be asked of me today.  it was a two person panel interview to me.  they had a ton of questions, but it was fun.  i’m one of those strange people haha who likes interviews and i get energized by them.  it is down to three people (me and two others).  he picks tomorrow.  we shall see.  my superior told me if i was picked, i could go IMMEDIATELY and i would not have to wait two weeks notice.  the interview chiefs liked hearing that, too.

this is what i did with my opportunity today.  when the chief of that branch left a message for me on my phone, i tried to call back (not there) so i thought about it and decided to just go over to his office and leave him a message.  i took one of my professional business cards.  i left one of my cards with a post it note that basically said i rec’d your message.  contact me at your convenience.  yes, i am still interested in the position.  thanks, kathleen.

within a couple minutes of returning to my office, he called and asked me if i could come see him right now.  i said okay.  i walked into his office and he and one other chief greeted me and asked me a ton of questions.  i had no idea i was going to be asked to interview right then.  i am used to getting plenty of notice, but this was good, too, to just go with it.  and i like interviews so it did not phase me to have no notice.  i was just amused that i was dressed for an interview because i have been wearing suits every day.  i felt prepared.  after the interview, i immediately told my superior what just happened so he would have a heads up if he needed to know something.  he was happy for me, i know he was.  he is genuine.  then i just happened to have two greetings cards (in my bag).  if you know me, you know i almost always have greeting cards at my ready.  but usually i have sweet or silly ones.  it was perfect today because i had two conservative neutral ones that were adequate to use as thank you for the interview cards.  it is my habit to write a handwritten thank you for the interview card and hand deliver it.  it is a good courtesy that most do not think of.  it is something that i will still continue to do even if i don’t want the position.  it is a good gesture.  most people don’t do it, so why not do something more to stand out more?

totally curious to know the outcome tomorrow.

crossing my fingers,
kathleen

flowers grow out of dark moments

“flowers grow out of dark moments.”  — by c.kent

is the present problem really a blessing that i need to experience for some reason?  can i gain anything from embracing this instead of digging in my heels and fighting this or trying to run from this?  i keep trying to remind myself about “don’t run from your fears, face your fears…” 

but sometimes i just want to give up and not try anymore. 

i can either turn a problem into a blessing to learn from or a crutch to never let go of.  my choice.

what belief holds me captive?  anger?  denial?  fear?  perceived unfairness?  bad choices?  jealousy?  none of these are good things.  good question.  i like questions that shake me up, make me ponder, and get my attention especially when i am distracted or seemingly drowning and not paying attention to everything else because i am so wrapped up in the present experience that makes me sometimes feel like i don’t think i can tolerate anymore.

“our experiences change the way we forever look at something … because of the experience.”

i don’t want to wake up tomorrow … but tomorrow is a fresh start.  maybe it will look brighter tomorrow.  i have no other choice but to keep trying, keep striving, keep doing something to take me a little farther down my journey tomorrow.  the temporary setbacks (even though they may not feel like ‘setbacks’ after the fact) are not forever.  need that perspective in focus. 

sometimes (often) it really is the setbacks and hurdles that i/we use to get firmer footing that strengthen us to face another day.  if it weren’t for some harder experiences, i might not have some of the conviction that i have (that nobody will ever be able to talk me out of).  i’ve said it before but it still holds true for me and always will.  if my freedom had not been taken away from me while i went through that POW prisoner of war camp training so many years ago in the Air Force, i might not feel as strongly convicted as i do about freedom, our country, our flag.  if i hadn’t experienced all of that, i might not have ever experienced the beautiful goosebumps i get when i place my hand over my heart and reflect on it.  freedom is not free.  and i will never be a hindrance, only a supporter, of this flag that waves and forever stands for something more than me.  i am only 5’5”, but i hold my head up as high as possible since that life changing experience.  and i will keep saluting the flag i see on so many buildings when i am driving out and about.  isn’t it when we lose something, even temporarily, that we find out how much something matters more to us?  if that’s what it took for me to gain this pride, then it was worth it to me.

if i had never experienced my teens running away last year and missing for three weeks and four days, i might not have ever resorted to leaning on God completely, like i never did before.  i felt like i had nothing left, every resource was exhausted, all i felt like i had left was to turn to God to please watch over my girls while they are so lost.  i never really believed in prayer until that gut-wrenching experience.  since then, it is a regular part of my life.  and i will never forget how those prayers felt when i was pouring out my heart and begging for help, peace, something, anything.  and i did feel a sense of peace then that passeth all understanding.  there was comfort in those prayers that made no sense.  but i felt peace and comfort and strength and that helped me through then.  that trauma forever changed the way i look at prayer.  i don’t have to endure a similar adversity to remind me that prayer/God is a great comforter.  if this hard adversity is what it took for me to gain the blessings my family has gained, then i would take the adversity again in a heartbeat.

isn’t it sometimes when we feel like we have nothing left … at the end of our ropes so to speak … that we somehow let ourselves reach out? 

two choices.  i can either be miserable and i can sulk … or i can change my attitude until my outward appearance matches my inward discord.  if i go through the motions long enough, the rest will follow naturally and catch up.  i hope. 

it is with great pleasure that i am witnessing my younger daughter ~E (16 1/2) change for the better and become more like a flower than a dark shadow.  she can be the sweetest most charming affectionate cuddly little bear, but she can also be so full of hurt and anger.  but i see the sweet emerging as each week passes.  why am i not surprised that the inner something she fights or has fought does not seem all that different that my own internal workings?  i have no doubt that she is her mother’s daughter.  sometimes i see so much of me in her.  maybe i asked for this.  maybe i got exactly what i asked for.  if her (their) teenager time hadn’t been so tough so far, maybe i wouldn’t completely cherish the rare occasional sweet moment with one of them. 

i don’t think we are here just to experience pain and discomfort.  i think there is a reason for it all.  sometimes the tough thing now is the thing that gives me the way that i can comfort someone else.  how can you truly relate to someone if you haven’t first endured something so similar to their adversity?  i can kind of feel your pain and get you … if i have also hurt in a similar way for a similar reason.  i think we are being prepared for the next moment in our lives.  every hard time gives us another tool, yet another resource to draw strength from.   

my low back goes out from time to time.  i have dealt with this chronic injury for 12 years now and gratefully this does not hurt me every single day.  until jul when this flared up again, it had been almost a year since the last flare up that lasted a month or more then.  but i am thankfully on the upswing again.  when it acts up, it is at times off the chart pain … excruciating (worse pain than when i gave birth naturally to our girls).  it reminds me not to take for granted being able to function normally and contribute to society.  if i didn’t have a tender back, i know i wouldn’t appreciate how good it felt this weekend to exercise and to feel strong again.  i am no longer in every day pain again.  i am now back to just hurting every few days.  and it will keep getting better and stronger again, like it always does.  and it feels so good to not have to take any pain meds anymore because the worst of it has gone dormant again.  now when it hurts bad, i exercise through it until i am comfortable again … naturally.  i prefer to be the natural me and only take pain meds when i am in desperate bad pain.  and this weekend felt sooooo satisfying when i was able to do abdominal exercises again.  i had missed those.  and tonight felt awesome and strong to be able to do male style push ups again.  what a rush.  what a pleasure.  if i didn’t have a tender back, i wouldn’t know how good it feels to be feeling stronger again.  i hope i never again take for granted this blessest gift of being able to walk and function normally without aid of pain meds, without aid of anything.

if i hadn’t spent most of my adult life until three years searching for a church home, i doubt i would feel like i do now.  i felt lost and in the dark, always searching for something that i couldn’t quite put my finger on.  i was missing something, but i didn’t feel what it was until that day i sat in that chapel while visiting grandma and i felt like overwhelmingly i had come home.  i can never forget how that day and that week felt.  i don’t want to go back to feeling lost again.  i don’t want to feel like i am in the dark again and searching for something that i can’t find.  i feel at home.  i doubt i would feel at home if i hadn’t spent so many years LOOKING. 

and if i had not decided to confront and forgive someone i had held such anger for for most of my life until that same month, i might still be drowning in anger.  it consumed me and kept me from experiencing more joy in my life.  i know it.  i know it now.  if i hadn’t made those choices, i might still have those awful nightmares that haunted almost every night of mine until i forgave.  i don’t claim everything to be perfect (that would be ludicrous) but i can not deny that i have experienced a more joyful, peaceful, and more content life since making these choices three years ago.  and i do not miss those nightmares.  i had nightmares since i was a child but in that month, i went from having almost every night nightmares to having practically none.  and to this day, three plus years later, i have only had a couple of nightmares in the last three years plus.  i have more peaceful sleep.

the smile i wear on my face is different now.  sometimes i do a double-take because i almost don’t recognize me.  not just because i have lost 33 1/2 lbs since jan.  there is a twinkle in my eyes and a warmth in my heart.  i just don’t always remember to share my smile, but it is genuine and it is real.  overall, there is a peace in my life that i never felt before.  i feel ‘love one another” to others (but not to everybody, haha).  but some of my relationships with others have been richer so far since.  i feel more at ease with others and genuinely warm and cozy and comfy.  i feel more like i am IN my life and not on the outside looking in.  i feel like i am getting to collect countless priceless moments of joy with others.  and it feels good overall.  i was in a funk when i started to write this post, but just in writing, somehow something has lifted and i don’t really get why that happens sometimes.  maybe it is cleansing (like someone told me today) to just write out something even if there is not always an intended audience.

i will never use my blog to share terribly personal items that i would be embarrassed by to share.  but being able to write openly on a blog has been a rich experience for me, too.  healing, too.  i used to keep a private journal but when i started this “so grateful” blog a year 1/2 ago, somehow i kind of forgot to ever write private journals, too.  i got out of the habit.  i just wrote in the blog.  i think i thought that was enough.  today i was reading something that sparked questions in me and made me feel compelled to write a private journal entry (for nobody’s eyes).  not everything has to be completely open.  i think i still want some private entries again, like i did before i started the blog.  i did not consciously drop my private journal when i started the blog.  i just sort of left it behind and never picked it up again until today.  i forgot about the importance of keeping some things completely private.  i forgot about how sometimes it is so necessary to not just write something out or talk to someone, but sometimes it is even better to go within and just purge the soul of words bouncing around drowning my brain.  sometimes when that happens to me, i feel like i can barely think straight … until i write it out.  just the act of writing out something i have been ruminating over is so useful.  i didn’t really put it anywhere, but i got it down on paper in a way.  and then i can look at it or throw it away … and i can move on and move forward.  someone told me today it is like purging ‘toxic’ emotions/feelings.  bingo.  i got it.  that got my attention.  writing IS an outlet for me.  so today i claim my outlet again .. whether it is in public writing or one on one conversations with souls i completely trust .. or whether it is in a private journal that is only for me to see.  when i started the blog, i think i thought i never needed a private journal again .. but today it hit me that i was wrong to withhold that from me.  i hope i don’t forget that again.  it was right in front of my face what i needed to do, but because i was consumed with something that was ruminating (i like that word) inside my head, i couldn’t seem to see the need for it until today.  i am grateful that there are souls in my life who love me enough to tell me something, to point something out to me, to slap me in the face so to speak when i am not seeing something.  you know, ‘the forest for the trees.’  it is sometimes hard to truly notice something when you are immersed in a situation.  it is often easier to be an outsider or friend looking objectively in (not wrapped up in the something) who finds it no problem to point out the obvious.  it is harder sometimes to notice that obvious thing when caught up in a problem or stressor like wearing blinders.  you can still see, but not quite everything because something is in the way of taking in the FULL view.  isn’t this another good reason to have others we trust to talk with, too?  i think so.

i had no idea when i started writing this post that all this would come out.  i just meant to share the little quote at the beginning, but i got to questioning and putting to words so much of what i have been pondering today … and it started with reading a post today that made me feel compeled to write a private journal entry again.  it hit me that i missed that private outlet, too.  i’m just trying to find my way.  i don’t have any plan here.  but i want to find and share joy in each day if i can possibly grasp hold of it in this journey through life.  but that is for another post.

experiences that feel like my heart and spirit have broken have actually strengthened my resolve, have given me learning experiences, have strengthened my beliefs and convictions, have helped me to hold my head up higher, and have softened my heart and given me more empathy.

when a present experience feels so tough and impossible, it helps to remind me of some (that were harder to endure) that i got through somehow.  but i was never alone.  i was never on my own completely. 

something good always seems to emerge from the hard experiences.  there is always a flower born from the dark moments.  if i look hard enough, i will usually always find it.  i want to try very hard to notice the good that comes from the hard.  trying to pay attention.

but i’ll never be done … until i’m done for.

will always be ‘a work in progress.’

tomorrow is looking a little better and brighter now.

kathleen

it reveals who you are

<adversity> “…doesn’t create a person, it reveals who you are.”

“…every life has a higher purpose.  life’s meaning is found in serving something larger than oneself.”

“i’ll listen.”

you teach people how to treat you

“You teach people how to treat you.” –Dr Phil.  Whether you like him, love him, or hate him, this quote, in my opinion, is right on.  You have to set boundaries with people in your life.  Even if it means losing them, that’s better than allowing yourself to be treated terribly.  Another big thing I try to teach my kids.  I had to live & learn.”

wow, i just read this and this smacked me in the face and hit me and got my attention.  thanks cyndy for posting this on your blog.  this makes me think also of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “love one another” and “some people come into your lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”  just because you have known someone forever does not mean they have to stay here for the rest of your life.  people change and sometimes people don’t accept the changes.  some stay, some go.  some hang on tighter.  some spread their wings and come back.  some never look back.  but we learn from each experience.  we learn.  even when it hurts, we learn.  and we take the bad with the good.  sometimes we lick our wounds and hurt for awhile.  sometimes we feel the greatest joy we had ever felt to that point in our life.  but we learn and we savor and we go on.  and hopefully we take the best of what we have learned and we impact others (new or existing) in our lives MORE because we know the pain, too.  if we never experienced the pain, how would we know to savor the joy even more?  if a heart feels broken, perhaps it is a new opportunity to have another hole to fill up with something more .. maybe more than ever known before.  life keeps getting better and better, i can barely contain my joy at times.  each experience brings something more to cherish and look back on fondly.  thee pivotal turning point of my life was three years ago when i chose to place God in my life and chose to forgive somebody who i had carried a hat red and anger about for my whole life since i was a kid until that month three years ago.  it hasn’t been perfect, but it has been so much better.  all those years were darker because i carried that hat red around and it weighed on me.  since forgiving and letting go, i have experienced greater happiness, peace, and joy than i ever knew before that month.  i did not know i was capable of being so loving and giving.  when i chose forgiveness and letting go, it is like something dormant inside of me emerged that i did not know was there.  the impact since then has been incredible and keeps getting better.  when i let go of all that anger, something else opened up to me.  did i just not notice how loving and giving and sweet others are?  or are they sweeter now because i am?  i don’t really try to be a way with others.  i just act like myself.  i have never felt more loved by others in my life before.  what i missed before because i let anger weigh me down.  when i let go of it, the ability to love freely emerged.  i don’t want that to ever go dormant again.  so grateful. 

we are here to experience and share joy.  share it with me?  kathleen

daughter ~E is like night and day different now

a thank you letter to tori.  thanks tori and amanda.

… just wanted to share this with you.  i am so glad amanda pointed me to you when our teen daughter ~E first went to the RTC.  for a whole year now, you have given me a perspective and a strength and a comfort that nobody else could.  ~E (now 16 1/2 y/o) is coming home for a one week home visit next week.  i will go and escort/fly her back here and hubby/dad will escort/fly her back down at the end of the visit.  this will be her first visit since leaving a little over a year ago.  and if all goes as planned, she will come home permanently mid dec.  one of us will have to escort/fly her back.  in the last few months, she has changed completely from failing EVERYTHING (she failed almost everything for two years prior to this) and not caring about school to now only getting As and Bs.  and in the last few weeks, she has completely stopping fighting the program, she has stopped being difficult/angry/physical with peers and staff.  she has been doing so much better, like a night and day difference finally.  but she took almost a year before she finally decided to stop fighting and being so angry.  her cards and notes and drawings and weekly phone calls are sweet and tender now.  she keeps writing and saying things that choke me up with happy emotions.  it is amazing to see this change in her.  i hope it is not fake.  i hope this is a real change.  i am so glad we stuck it out and never pulled her out before she was ready.  that wouldn’t have helped her.  i honestly believe she had to go to a residential treatment program and she had to stay long enough to shape up, change for the better, something.  if we hadn’t gone along with the doctor recommendations, i can’t imagine what kind of trouble she would be now … well i can imagine she would be even harder and difficult and angry.  we did what we had to do.  yes, of course we missed her and her sister missed her this past year so far.  but she is so much better now so far and i hope she keeps getting better.  thank you for being a unique and awesome perspective and comfort to me so far during this ick thing.  you rock, kathleen

PS. you played a part in this … you helped me to see that we were doing the right thing by keeping her there until she was ready to be done with the program.  you helped convince me that we could not and would not try to override the doctor/team treatment recommendations.  and we told her in the beginning and throughout this year that we would never try to override what the therapist/treatment team recommended for her.  we wanted to be very clear with her that nothing would make us go against what they recommended.  we didn’t want her to think that she could whine and complain and convince us to prematurely end this before the therapist/treatment team said she was ready.  we did that because we wanted her to focus on the treatment plan, and not focus on the escape plan.  thanks 🙂

"there is never a right time to do the wrong thing …

there is never a right time to do the wrong thing. if you take too long in deciding what to do with your life, you’ll find you’ve lived it. time was invented by almighty God in order to give dreams chance”

this feels so good to me … how can i pick just one of these?

i feel this itch.  i have to write this kind of post.  one of my favorite kind of posts to write is when i list some of the latest really good things in my life.  i can’t let another day go by without writing some of these out before i forget them all.

this feels sooo good.

not good … teenager angst.  anger.  urgh.

so good … successfully seeing it through and finishing all fiscal year end everything that i needed to do to close out this year at work.  it ended today.  hopefully, my nights of doing too much overtime are now over.  my superior praising me tonight for all my efforts and for seeing it through to the end and not letting anything fail.

so good … connecting up again with an old friend from high school and sharing a four hour phone call over the weekend and just like always, it felt like no time had passed since the last phone call.  she (~S) will always be a part of my life, i know it.  i have known her since we were 15 and 16 and i cherish that we can still feel so comfy with each other after all these years.  it is sooooo comfortable how it never feels like any time has passed since the last contact.  that is rare and special.

so good … slipping into jeans that are now so loose on me.  i couldn’t even zip up these same jeans a few months ago.  having to buy underwear two sizes smaller because they kept falling down!!  and they were snug a few months ago.  all my skirts are falling off of me.  i need to take them in.  i was so desperate this week, i actually stapled one of my skirts at the waist (to bring it in).  hehehe.  cool.  it didn’t work too well though but it made me giggle to do it.  i think i need to break down and buy some smaller skirts.

so good … losing 33 1/2 lbs since january, primarily because of completely changing my eating habits and choices of what i really put in my mouth.  i eat all the veggies, fruits, salads, nuts that i want.  and i sparingly eat meat and junk.  i don’t miss my old habits at all.  i don’t crave the junk anymore.  and i am never starving.  i feel sooooo much better physically.  hubby has lost 40 lbs with me, too, doing almost the same change of diet with me.  he was the one who encouraged me to join him in this effort.  i thought it sounded stupid at first and i didn’t think i could do it (i didn’t think i wanted to do it, but i reluctantly agreed to give it a try).  after i started seeing good success and i noticed that i never felt like i was starving, the easier it got and the more i didn’t want to go back to the old ways.  i can taste this goal!  i want this bad.  i want so bad to get back down to close to the fit size i was when i was in the Air Force.  i see that picture in my head all the time and i have that goal motivation picture at work, in my truck, hanging in my garage next to the boxing bag, and here on my blog.  for years, i have only been able to lose and gain and lose and gain the same 20 or 21 lbs.  i am amazed that for the first time since 1996, i have lost more than 21 lbs.  i am presently down 33 1/2 lbs and i am going to keep going until i reach my size goal!  hehehe, i got on a roll talking about this and just kept going.

so good … breaking my daily chocolate addi ction in june.  to this day, i rarely have a little piece of chocolate.  just occasionally do i allow myself a teeny bit and it doesn’t do much for me anymore.  i feel sooooo much better physically.

so good … running into one of my little kid angels from church the other day at the store.  i walked up to 7 y/o ~E and her dad, i crouched down next to ~E to say hi … and when she saw me, her eyes LIT UP, she immediately put down her cookies, and she hugged me so tight, i was in heaven.  awh.  love those kiddos.  and she is one of my favorites.  i had no idea that when i taught these kids for a couple years that they would give me more than i ever gave them.  they blessed my life and they still continue to.  i love it how several of them still come up to me at church and share stickers with me or say hi or hug me or smile.  i feel like a pied piper.  i feel lucky in their presence.

so good … “recognizing our total dependence on Him … i wonder if we can ever really fathom the immense power of prayer until we encounter an overpowering, urgent problem and realize that we are powerless to resolve it.  then we will turn to our Father in humble recognition of our total dependence on Him…”  — by r.g.scott

so good … scriptures and hymns that have exactly the words that i need to hear that day.  sometimes it feels so perfect the message that comes through at certain times.

so good … wearing suits/skirts everyday to work.  people keep asking me if i have an interview that day and i love it.  i am loving wearing the suits every work day again.  i sort of forgot that i used to like to dress professionally in my career.  i’m glad i reawakened that in me again.  maybe it is because i have lost 33 1/2 lbs so far.  maybe.  but i never want to lose this part of me again when it comes to the professional image i project to my workworld.  i know it is just a physically symbol.  i have not changed the way i work.  but i feel more professional when i dress the part in my career.  i walk and act more confidently and i am just comfy again.

so good … not being buried in over work load anymore.  i was buried completely from april until a week ish ago.  i was miserable.  i could not keep the ocean back.  so glad that my work load was made more livable.

so good … people at work keep telling me it’s great to see the smile on my face again at work.  i was so buried, i must have looked sad.

so good .. my superior being awesome and fixing an unlivable work situation.  peace returning.

so good … seeing my buddy ~R in person, catching up again, and sharing warm hugs.  love that dear friend.  miss her when she is out of town.  i love how she treats me like i am one of her family.  they have five almost grown daughters and she makes me feel almost like i am also one of her daughters, but even better because i am her friend.  and she is one of the best huggers.  you know the type.  a sweet snug enveloped hug that lets you know that you are truly cared for by this soul.

so good … awh, it was so fun to get to talk to friend ~H last night.  what a sweetheart of a person. 

so good … a yummy massage at the day spa by somebody who knows what they are doing.  that is heaven.  even if i didn’t have a messed up back, i would still eat this up.

so good … a two hour chat at 2 am with our jim when i was really needing his ear/his support/his everything.  what a sweet friend.  so glad we crossed paths.

so good … same teenager (different night) calling me up while i was working overtime again and leaving me the sweetest cutest voicemail message all excited because she bought the DVD “made of honor” and she wanted to watch it with me when i got home and she reminded me how much fun she had going with me and her friend to see that movie in the theatre and she wanted to see it again with me.  and she ended the voice mail with “love you mom.”  wow, did i hear that right?  awh. 

so good … during an awful and hard work adversity that lasted several months, someone who i thought had just been an acquaintance in my life … ~D showed her true colors with me and she reached out to me and offered me this amazing ear and professional advice and a friendship that i didn’t even see coming.  i did not seek this out.  she did.  it just happened naturally and i didn’t force my way into this.  and i am so glad she reached out when she did.  she helped me through this.  it helped me to have a friend like this at work while this hard thing was going on.  it doesn’t seem nearly as bad because this diamond in the rough emerged from this experience.  i am still so surprised at how it all played out.  grateful, so grateful, sometimes how certain people are placed in our lives seemingly when we need them most right then for some reason.

so good … seeing the look on our secretary’s face when i said this thing to her.  ~P came to me needing me to approve and sign something.  i asked her did you make all the changes i asked about?  she said yes.  i said good, i trust you made the changes i needed, i do not need to look through every single change to approve this.  you would have thought i gave her a big gift or something.  she looked sooooo happy and she said thank you for believing her.  it made me feel so happy to see her reaction.  i took her under my wing in a way because i didn’t like seeing the way some people were treating her … and i refused to be that way with her.  i truly appreciated everything she did to make my job easier and i told her occasionally.  and i was always sincere.

so good … seeing one of “my brothers” ~JW at work who i hadn’t seen in awhile.  he always gives me a sweet hug.  makes me feel like i have an uncle i like at work.  he always shares a laugh and a smile and hug with me.  everytime i run into him, i feel like my day has just been lifted.  he has a gift to be able to do that.

so good … this cracked me up.  one of “my brothers” ~LP at work and two of us were talking about politics for a brief moment.  and ~LP out of the blue asked me if i was ever interested in running for any kind of local office here.  i said no way, i love my privacy too much!  but what was so sweet was he said, “i would vote for you.”  i was stunned and asked him if he was just joking around.  he said he wasn’t joking.  he said he seriously thinks i am level-headed and he would vote for me if i ever ran for office.  awh, that was so kind.  what a nice compliment.  and no way would i ever do that.  i would absolutely despise having people going through my life like that.  i am way too private to ever want to invite that kind of intrusion into my life.  but the compliment was darling.

so good … after returning from camping, my teen daughter was so adorable and telling me everything and anything.  i loved that moment.  i’ll take any good moment i can get with her.  moments like that are a glimpse into the future (i hope) for us.

so good … feeling a sense of peace during a get away camping weekend with hubby and our doggies.  being rained in and we didn’t care.  just being away from work and away from everything.  and before we left, sharing a long meaningful awesome talk with my bestee and sharing hugs with my teen who didn’t cringe when i tried to hug her.  and while away, totally enjoying cuddling with the hubby and our doggies.  and completely enjoying making out with hubby and having nobody else around.

so good … we’re going away camping this coming weekend, too.  can’t wait.  looking forward to hopefully another peaceful escape.

so good … hymns at church that completely melted my heart and made me feel something and made me cry but not out of sadness.  ~K (another woman at church) seeing me crying and so she reached over and touched my back to comfort me.  awh.  so sweet.  i told her i wasn’t upset/sad.  i told her that the hymn music just pierced my heart and really got to me and i was overcome with emotion and it felt really good.

so good … the way it feels comfy and peaceful to have candles lit in my bedroom.  and the noise maker sounds like a jungle with birds singing.  my bedroom feels like a sanctuary to me away from the rest of the world.

so good … getting to have alone time while hubby and his buddy when fishing for a weekend.  i don’t always want people around.  i do, but i don’t.  i know when i am craving time just to myself and i know i must have it.  then i feel recharged and i want to be around others again, too.  but i like both (to be surrounded by people for a time, but also to have complete alone time).  listening to what my body wants.

so good … my back flare-up is on the upswing.  for several days now, it almost feels like it normally does (not like it does when it hurts so bad during the bad flare-ups).  so grateful for the church friends who drove me to/from church on the weekends just so i could take the stronger meds that impaired me but made me more comfortable while i was off work.

so good … making cards again lately.  i love it when i feel the itch to be creative and feel like making greetings cards.  it feels so peaceful to me when i escape into that creativity, but only when i am really in the mood to create.  giving homemade cards away is fun, too.

so good … while sitting in church with my friend ~C’s family, her little guy ~R said something so funny.  Four y/o ~R looked distressed or sad for a moment.  i noticed and was concerned, so i leaned down into his seat next to me and i asked, “what do you need?”  and without even pausing, ~R answered, “a sticker.”  what?  awh.  hahaha.  that cracked me up.  yes, i gave him another sticker.

so good … choking up because my 16 y/o teen who is in the residential treatment center in utah lately has been sending me cards, notes, and drawings.  she is turning around her life and she is being tender and sweet again … instead of so angry.

so good … the cute little bloggy awards lately from bloggy buddies.  thanks.  so cute and nice of you.

so good … when i really needed to talk something out that was consuming me and weighing me down so much, my best friend shared a chat with me for almost five hours.  we really talked.  we talked about the heavy stuff, got it out of my system, made some goals of how to deal best with this, and then we were able to talk and giggle over silly things.  i appreciated that she gave me her time and her ear and her advice.

so good … P T that helped me get my back back to normal again.

so good … those who i trust and feel comfy with.  thank you.

peace, beany 🙂

meme — would you take them back? … and because i love my BFF

i am finally getting around to doing this meme that i read and enjoyed the other day.  thanks sue for posting this.  this was so fun to read and to do.

meme — “would you take them back?”

1. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?

no.  no way.  before i met my hubby, the longest boyfriend relationship i had was six months and none of them were all that great.  they all wanted something from me and weren’t really good for me.  none of them cherished me and adored me just for me.  by the time i met my hubby accidentally, i was so fed up with guys, i had just immersed myself in work and college and i left no time for any kind of a relationship …. but the first night i accidentally met my hubby, we were both immediately smitten with each other.  i get chills, goosebumps just remembering that moment.  the first time i saw him, my heart felt like it jumped out of my chest, it felt like my heart was beating so fast and loud, i wondered if he could hear it.  that was almost 19 years ago.  marriage is hard.  there are ups and downs and sacrifices and arguments .. but i swear this man has adored and cherished me since the beginning and i often feel like i don’t do him justice for the way he typically treats me and makes me feel.  (but i still don’t like how he falls asleep in front of the tv and won’t always come to bed, but we are trying to improve this.)

2. What was the first car you drove? What happened to it?

when i left home at 18, i bought a cheap old little maroon toyota piece of garbage that i didn’t have very long because somebody ran into me.  funny, the day i drove over to his place to pick up the cash from him to fix the damage, somebody else ran into me.  weird!  so i got rid of it.  good riddance. 

3. What’s the longest amount of time you have driven a car non-stop?

my hubby and our teens and our doggies did a really long road trip last summer in our motorhome.  we drove from alaska through canada and visited extended family in eight states and then drove back through canada and back to alaska.  loooooong trip, but boy it was beautiful.  the scenery and the wildlife along the way was completely breathtaking .. not something you ever see when you fly over.

4. Have you ever been stood up on a date? If yes, when?

no

5. What TV network do you watch the most?

i hardly ever watch tv.  but when i do turn on a tv, i usually just want to find an episode of law and order (SVU being my favorite!).  but i do overhear my hubby and his history channel and discovery channel and learning from those is interesting to me.

6. Pick out a song you like that has special meaning to you. Share with us what song is it, and what’s the meaning to you.

i have recently experienced a really hard adversity with an awful work and mean bully boss situation at work.  i finally had enough, she pushed me too far, the last straw that broke the camel’s back, and i feel good that i went above her to my superiors to elevate this because she could not go unchecked any longer.  my superiors handled this AMAZINGLY well and man i feel validated and supported by them.  the song that really helped me get through this experience is “you give” by hilary we eks.  i found some kind of strength and comfort in her words.  i love the way she writes so many of her songs and this one she actually didn’t write but i love the way she sings it.

here are the words.

“you give”

“you give me sight

when i can’t see

you give me breath

when i can’t breathe

and you give me love

and you give me peace

and you always seem to give

just what i need.

 

you take my doubt

and replace it with truth

you take my fear

so all i see is you

you take me as i am

and you take me by the hand

you see to my soul and you take

just what i need

 

(chorus) you give and you take away

and refine be day by day

as you lead me through the bitter and sweet

i am trusting you to make me complete

though you see the heartache

you’re sending your sweet grace

as you give

and you take.

 

you give me strength

and you give me life

you give me hope

and you give me light

and take my pain

and you take my shame

you bless me to see the give and take

is just what i need

 

chorus

 

please send your perfect grace

as you give

and you take.”

  — words by t.castleton and s.peters

7. Who was your first celebrity crush on?

greg ev igan from Bj and the bandit tv show.
8. What is your favorite romantic comedy movie?

“the princess bride” and “the runaway bride” are tied for me here.  i can watch them over and over and never tire of them. 

9. It has been said, “First Loves Are Never Over.”  Is this true for you?

no.  the woman i am today would never put up with that male.  i was soooo hung up on him, it was pathetic.  he wanted all my attention initially but that quickly waned.  then i just felt like i was begging for attention and miserable just getting the scraps of his attention.  the best thing for me was that he moved from here six months after i arrived here.  i know he was not good for me.  he did not cherish and adore me.  he was soooooooo yummy to look at, but he was emotionally closed down to me, and would not let me in.  funny, when i first met my hubby, the first thing that i noticed was that physically, he reminded me of this other guy.  but my hubby is sooooooooooooo not like this other guy.  my hubby since day one has consistently (except when we are arguing haha) cherished and adored me, he has consisently told me what he feels/thinks, and he surprises me random with a flower or a stuffed animal here and there because he knows i enjoy that.  so, no way would i ever chose to go back to someone who does not cherish me.  i deserve better than that.  so do you.

fun meme sue.  i really enjoyed this.  thanks.

great day all, beany 🙂

awh! :)

 awh!   🙂

peace is returning … see my grin?

I haven’t done any overtime all week because my superior above my “boss” made my workload better by giving me support staff to delegate to.  my hero.  I still will need to work long hours mon and tue (the last two nights of year end) but ~L (~G’s staff and my previous supervisor who has been someone awesome to me since I took this assignment and needed her advice to get through this adversity … she said she would stay and work with me those two last nights as late as we need to to get any last minute year end demands done).  I love that how ~G freed up ~L to work w/me to get through this.  I feel like ~L and ~G are proud of me for how I didn’t lose and break and go off on my “boss” when I think most people would.  I feel like they are proud of me for still sticking with it and doing whatever it takes to successfully close out the year end … I said I would not walk away from my responsibilities and I will do whatever it takes to finish this the right way.  I am proud of me, too.  I consistently stuck to my resolve list.  I consistently stuck to doing what I think is the right thing … and what kathleen would do.  I still have no idea how I kept it together just enough at work to not break or go off on her.  I came soooo close to saying and doing something I regretted.  I think ~G believes me that I told him how close that “boss” came to making me break or go off on her or put me in the hospital.  I did not bluff when I told him this.  I told him I had to raise this above to him because I knew I was so close to my breaking point.  i’m so glad I raised it.  and I am so glad that he told me he is proud of me for how I handled this professionally and I did not stoop to unprofessional behavior.  that is very validating to me.

I feel so much better as each day passes since I went to my superiors last wednesday a week ago.

I feel more like ME again.  I don’t feel so wound up anymore that I am about to explode.  I feel way more at ease.  I feel way more peaceful.  and I am smiling so much more again like the way I normally like to be.

yes, I still plan to tell my family doc (who knows me) about how I almost broke here, that I could feel everything slipping away from me, and that instead of breaking and losing it, I chose instead to fight for me and put it where it needed to be … above in my chain of command so am awful bul ly supervisor could be corrected and removed from my world.

yea, it is friday and I have PT after work for my back so I can’t work overtime.  this is almost over.  so glad. 

seize the day.  carpe diem.  make your lives extraordinary.

happy friday readers, beany 🙂

down 33 1/2 lbs now! and my superior continues to rock!

i did another day of NOT working overtime.  yeah!  in yesterday’s conversation with my superior, he also asked me how it is going, am i still hanging in there til year end (30 sep)?  i told him yes, i am hanging in there til year end.  i told him i will do whatever it takes to make it work.  he said he didn’t want me to have to work overtime a lot if i could help it.  i told him that it is better since my workload has been lightened.  and i told him that is working great how he opened up his support staff to me/my program.  they are being great and responsive.  i think he was pleased that i am hanging in here.  i am not doing it for him necessarily.  i am doing it because it is the right thing to do — mission first at work is what matters to me.  but in my off time, i don’t want a thing to do with work.

you know what?  people at work keep telling me ah there’s that smile again .. or i see your smile again .. or it’s been a long time since i’ve seen you smile here.  i say i have been BURIED in workfrom april until a week ago.

 

people at work, church, anywhere keep telling me looking good, wow, i can tell you’ve lost weight, you’re doing great, etc etc.  and i am loving wearing the suits/skirts every work day.  some people have told me lately that is nice how i am wearing suits all the time.  i say i feel more professional when i dress for work.  i am really enjoying caring about what i wear to work and church now.  i keep receiving awesome feedback for it.  every work day, i look like i am going to a job interview.  some people keep asking me if i have an interview that day.  tee hee.  i say, why would you say that .. coy.  hehe

 

last night, I HAD TO DO THIS IMMEDIATELY.  since i have lost 33 1/2 lbs, my underwear was falling off of me.  i wear skirts/suits everyday practically and the undies kept creeping down as i walked and i kept having to pull them way up even after taking just a couple steps.  so i had to go to the store and buy undies two sizes smaller.  and the undies that i had were snug when i first bought them this winter.  and now i am in undies two sizes smaller!  woo hoot!

 

something happened tonight that has not happened to me in YEARS.  no, not that.  wrong, guess again.  tee hee.

 

i got checked out by a male!

 

really.

 

i don’t think i was imagining it.  really.  i was flattered.  hubby and i were leaving w a l m a r t and these three soldiers were walking by in the parking lot.  i was still in my awesome suit/skirt from work and i know it looked good (smiles).  a few people today said i looked good and asked if i had an interview.  cool.  **gushing**

 

as i walked by, one of the younger blond guys (nice looking, short blond spiky hair) … he kept looking at me looking away looking at me and looking at me.  i kept looking at him and looking away, too.  it was a fun moment.  hehehe.  i don’t know if i am way off saying this, but it reminded me of many years ago when i was checked out normally.  so, i was tickled by the moment.  who wouldn’t be?

 

i must sound like a dork, but i liked the little moment.  even if i am wrong in what it looked/seemed like, i still enjoyed how it felt.

good day, beany 🙂

wow, my superior rocks! (thank you ~G)

my superior was incredible yesterday.  he checked in on me and wanted to know if i still felt like it was a hostile environment.  i went and saw him to answer his questions in person.  i told him that no, it no longer felt like a hostile environment.  i told him that ever since he had that talk with that woman thur am first thing, that she has completely left me alone, backed off, .. i told him she has made NO CONTACT with me whatsoever.  he was like .. good.  but we both acknowledged that if you have a supervisor/subordinate relationship that there needs to be communication.  we both acknowledged that this is a short term solution to a problem.  i told him i can not and will not work for this woman so i appreciated all he was doing to try hard to get me reassigned immediately.  but he also said this cool thing that blew me away.  he said her feelings were hurt.  i said what?  i said i didn’t say or do anything unprofessional with her.  he said that’s not what i mean.  he said her feelings were hurt by what he said to her that morning!  and she seemed shocked.  he repeated a couple times that her feelings were hurt by what he said.  i let it sink in.  wow.  he didn’t give me details and he didn’t need to … that was classier how he let me know that he corrected her bad behavior and that was his way of letting me know the message was received and her behavior is not to be tolerated.  wow, he rocks.  and there was a temporary comptroller position that just advertised in my agency this week … it’s a four month detail and could possibly be extended.  he said he thought this would be perfect for me to move into temporarily immediately while hopefully they can work out that possible permanent reassignment for me during that time.  and he said even if it doesn’t work out, i would come back after the detail ended and he would find a place for me in his division still.  and he was the one who took my resume and he wrote a raving praising endorsement coverletter to attach to the package to request that i immediately be reassigned to that opening that just opened and he submitted everything for me.  we shall see.  but he has kept to his word of what he said he would do since i raised my concerns to him.  he has been awesome.  (still wish i could have been a fly on the wall during his meeting with her when he corrected her 🙂

great day, beany 🙂

“never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” — by h.b.stowe

the aftermath so far of going above my boss .. the high road is always best

thank you all of you who have sent me amazing and encouraging and you go girl we’re proud of you notes and comments since i posted about me being forced to go above my boss to fight for ME because of an outrageous situation that i have been trying to deal with since april.

you know what i love?  ever since my superior had that talk with my “boss” thu morning, she has not only completely stopped riding me but she has COMPLETELY BACKED OFF of me, she has completely stayed away from me and made no contact with me … woo hoot 🙂

and immediately my superior offered up his five person support staff to me until year end (30 sep).  anything i need to delegate to them in order to get through year end, he gave me the authority to go to them.  he told them i (my program) am their first priority, anything i need them to do, they are to do it.  wow.  even if he doesn’t believe everything i brought to him, his actions have spoken volumns to me.  and i did not lie, i did not exaggerate anything, i stayed factual and i did not get angry, and i shared exact quotes of awful things she had told me, too.  i am grateful for how he stepped in immediately to help.  it felt so good that night i went to him and he told me you have never come to me before, you have never raised anything to my level before, i am taking your concerns very seriously, you have my attention.  wow.  thank you ~G. 

ooooooo, i guess i don’t need to know but i kinda wish i could have been a fly on that wall when he had that talk with her.  i was so grateful that he told me i would suffer no negative repercussion from going above her head to get help.  i am in heaven how she is out of my face now and not riding me anymore.  i have no idea what he told her but i like to imagine since she did a complete 180 degree turn from me (from being cold heartless and mean riding me … to COMPLETELY backing off of me and silent and out of my face) that he likely told her some variation of back off, you went too far, how dare you?, stay away from her, leave her alone and let her do her job to get through year end (30sep), why did you treat someone like this? why someone who was trying to make this work, why did you ride them and just treat them like a piece of garbage? this is one of our good employees.  you get the idea.  her ACTIONS since then make me think that she was told to STAY AWAY from me from this point further.  i hate that i know she almost broke me and put me in the hospital.  i know i was so close to totally losing it.  i could feel me slipping away and i felt like anyday i was going to snap and break or have a heart attack or go off on her or something.  i wonder if she purposely did this.  i wonder if she really thought she was doing the right thing.  i wonder if she is just a mean heartless person.  i wonder if she seriously was just trying to break me.  but she never broke me (but she came so close to breaking me, i could feel it about to happen. i had to stop it and had to take action above before i said and did something i regretted and could not live with.  i never lost it in front of her.  i kept it together and was given a strength that i had no idea i was capable of.  i feel very watched over.  in our most extreme situations, it becomes very clear to me what matters most.

even though i HATED that she did that last attempt to lecture and correct and slam me mtg on wed, i am so glad she finally just pushed me TOO FAR that i HAD to make a decison RIGHT THEN to raise this NOW, not even 15 minutes from now, i HAD to fight for me and get help from above right then.  nobody has a right to treat an employee like she did.  i can kinda understand it when the employee doesn’t do their job (but i can never understand or accept the cruel behavior), but i can not understand someone doing what she did to me .. when i was trying everything to make this work.  i brought the problems and recommendations for solution to her and she ignored me and treated me like garbage from that point forward.  she buried her head in the sand and ignored a problem that i knew was there …. that i was being expected to do the job of TWO complete comptrollers NOT ONE.  and all she did was treat me bad for it and she continued to take away support staff assistance and she continued to bury me with more and more projects.  i was drowing in overwork from the momemt i walked in that door in april.  i was hand selected to please come over here and see what needs to be done here to make this better.  let us know.  i did what was asked of me.  i took on the challenge and i did the right thing along the way.  and i was punished for not giving the solution that she wanted to hear.

how could any san e normal person just totally ignore my recommendations and put her head in the sand and then ride me and punish me for everything?  i know, i need to move on.  everything is so much better since my superior got her literally off my back.  his actions alone validate me that he believed me that there was a big problem.

i realized this weekend that there is NO AMOUNT OF MONEY, not even a million dollars, NO AMOUNT, that would ever make me agree to work in that branch EVER again.  i had it.  and i have such disgust and disdain for the whole thing.  even if she wasn’t there, i don’t want a thing to do with the mess ever again.  NO JOB/career is worth what these last few months have been like.  i am getting my off-duty life back and i am thrilled.  these months, especially these last few weeks just feel like a blur to me.  i feel like all i’ve been doing is working/overtime and coming home to sleep and returning right back to work.  and the treatment that she subjected me to … that was so hard to endure.  she would not let up.  she pushed me too far, i know it.  it’s good that i know that there is NOTHING that would make me accept a position there again.  opps, getting fired up.  i will probably be stirred up for awhile about this … but i do feel so much better since i raised this problem above my boss to my superiors on wed.  i have a smile on my face again (in my workworld) and it had been missing mostly ever since i was asked to take on this impossible situation.  i wondered this morning if i had such a hard time during part of the summer with my hubby mate because i was so beyond my stress limits.  likely.  i didn’t mean for my work/boss situation to creep into and affect my personal life with my family and close friends, but i did let it affect those closest to me.  not intentionally.  i was not strong enough to keep it from affecting them.  i was lashing out and acting irrational and i was hurting those i love most.  i didn’t even see what i was doing to them until these past few days when i went too far and decided to retreat for a few days and get introspective.   now that the dust has settled and my burden has been lifted, i can see i do not like how i was treating those closest to me.  and i am grateful that they stuck it out with me and realized that i was acting out of character .. and that they held on to me still when i was pushing them away.  i almost ruined two of my closest relationships because of this ick that i was so stressed by.

and i suspect that my back wouldn’t still be hurting so much were it not for this work/boss situation.  my back has been a chronic problem for 12 years, but only intermittently.  but i bet it wouldn’t have lingered this long if i hadn’t been trying to deal with this ick and these long hours in the last few weeks.

i feel a peace in my life again.  i have a spring in my step again.  i have a smile (more) on my face again.  i feel like i just went through some kind of shock.  like an abus ed victim who has no shine in their eyes because they are so worn out and miserable from being knocked around and viol ated repeatedly behind closed doors.  you know that look in someone’s eyes when they look beat down and like they have given up?  i don’t ever want to see that look in my eyes again.

i feel like i can smile so much more now.  i wonder what i have learned from this.  i know i have learned something.  right now, i feel like i am licking my wounds and trying to have peace and quiet and less stress and trying to come back stronger.

i wonder if she kinda lost it, too.  she was asked to start this up temporarily and when things didn’t work, instead of trying to deal with them, she lashed out and treated me like the problem.  i don’t know.  but what she did to me was awful hard to experience.

man, i felt like an animal stuck in a trap and i felt desperate enough to knaw off my paw to get free from the trap.  i don’t ever want to feel that desperate in any work situation again.

it was sooooo nice to leave at just eight hours last night.  i hated working 100 hours in the past two week 80 hour period.  this is almost totally over.  i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

good day, beany

anniversary of the AWACS crash 13 years ago today .. i will never forget your example

i have to write about this.  i have been thinking about this for the last couple days.   i can not and will not let this day pass without acknowledging the memory of those who died today in 1995, 22 sep at 7:47 alaska time (i hope i remember the correct minute).  this morning shortly before that time, i reflected again on that morning 13 years ago. 

i used to be in the Air Force and that morning in 1995, one of our E-3 AWACS jets went down (first time in history that one went down) and every single person on that jet died that morning).  these were people i worked with.  none of them were my close friends, but i worked with them, and one was my dear sweet supervisor and he was soooo kind to me consistently.

all 24 or 22 souls on that jet died that morning.  i can’t remember if the jet was full (24) or it had 22 people.  i don’t remember everything.

i remember that morning.  i was told that an AWACS had gone down and i stood outside in horror as i watched the black cloud of ick that stayed for so long over the area where they died.  i wasn’t too close to it.  i was across base, but to know that one of our jets went down, and to not know if anybody lived felt awful.  i was sickened when i was shown the list that morning of the crew who died.  my eyes ran down the list for familiar names and i knew ten of them.  and when my eyes rested on my kind dear supervisor’s name, i just was crushed for him and his family.

he was an awesome example to me.  he was one of those guys who always made me feel like i mattered when i was in his presence.  he always made me feel better for being in his presence.  he had a glow about him.  he was a joy to be around.  and he had waited until later in life (mid thirties) to get married and have their first child.  the last time i had talked to him shortly before his death, he was showing me the baby pictures of there 7 or 9 month old.  he was beaming and i was happy for him.

it was a tragedy that those souls perished that day 13 years ago as they tried to take off and geese were sucked into the engine, causing the jet to crash in the woods just past the runway.  they had no chance.  what came of this tragedy was the bird watch from that point on was taken seriously.  i don’t believe birds have taken a jet down here again since.

it was so surreal to have 10 people who you used to work with die in the same day.  it shocked this community to lose those 24 or 22 people in that one moment.

but i never want to forget the amazing kind example my supervisor gave me.  he was a joy to be around and he felt good and positive to be in his presence.  that is the way to live and be with your people.

honored to have served with you.

with respect,

woo hoot! down 28 1/2 lbs now!! i can taste this goal!

i worked 100 hours in my 80 hour two weeks.  ick!  I hate working overtime.  I want my off time.  this all will be over by 30sep, last night of it.  thankful for that.

I am totally burned out and tired from overwork.  but guess what?

I am down even more, too.

now I am down 28 1/2 lbs!!  since I started my jan goal.  and the jeans that i couldn’t even fit in this past winter are now completely falling off of me and i will be able to move into the next size soon i bet.  woo hoot!

it feels like I am REALLY going to make it this time!  for the first time since 1996 do I feel better in this part of my life.  I gave up on me for so long.  I want that part of me back bad!!  I am thrilled
that what I am doing is working.

and still, since june, I have absolutely no chocolate addic tion.  gone.  no craving.  I let myself have a little bit rarely and amazingly … it doesn’t taste like great to me anymore at all.

it’s wild how they say somethings are an acquired tastes.  I feel like I just went thru the opposite this summer.  I NO LONGER have the TASTE for the choc addiction.  giving  up that (usually) daily habit and eating so much healthier has really been paying off.  I notice that now, what I am more choosy about .. I seem to savor more.

and boy do i do tons of stair climbing!  🙂

great day, beany 🙂

true colors of people … a big sweet

wow thanks for all the amazing and encouraging emails and comments since i posted in the previous post about how i had it with my cold heartless “supervisor” and i finally elevated this above her head to our superiors.  your notes were/are so sweet.  so much has happened in the last couple days.  the last couple days do not feel like two days, this has felt like i just experienced a week or two.  i am proud of me, too, for handling this in a professional manner and for never breaking down and crying in front of her even though she rode me and pushed me to the limit.  i am proud of me that i never once called her a name or yelled at her or put her down.  i did nothing that i can regret.  i said unprofessional that i can be hung on.  i still have no idea how i kept it together at that last straw when she brought me into her office to lecture/chastise/slam me like i talked of in the previous post.  i am proud of me that i defended myself and remained respective, that i never once stooped to her unprofessional behavior … and that i IMMEDIATELY finally went above her head finally and our superiors were outraged at what she had put me through.  i believe my superior that he said he would have a talk with her first thing in the morning and he would put a stop to this.

the only thing she did since i went above her head?  yesterday morning (i am assuming this was before her boss had that talk with her), she sent me one email that reminded me to fill out my overtime paperwork.  okay, can you say DUH here.  she did not need to remind me.  i know what i am doing.  i assume that my superior had that talk with her after that sometime yesterday because she never once messed with me or rode me or treated me like garbage.  she completely stayed away from me.  and toward the end of the day, i saw her talking to one of my coworkers next to my office.  she saw me and she quickly left the area and she didn’t approach me or say a word to me.

i believe that my superior kept to his word that he had a talk with her that he was going to put a stop to this treatment.  i don’t know what he told her, but i believe it was something like … back off, you went too far, how dare you?, you were wrong, and you should be ashamed of yourself, and your treatment of people (even temporarily under your command) will not be tolerated here.  i have no idea what he told her but i believe it was mainly some kind of BACK OFF.

and so many people through this awful experience (that is not over yet) have done something for me.  i have seem so many people here and abroad who have been complete kindness with me.  and likewise, i have seem several people here who have been mean and cold to me.  this experience has shown me the true colors of so many people and that has been a blessing in itself.

and i gotta get ready for work (just a normal 8 hour today thankfully, i am not working a 12 or 14 hour day today … all this overtime has been burning me out).  but i want to share really quick another blessing that i am amazed has emerged from this awful experience.

i usually like just “my brothers” at work.  they rock.  they treat me so good, like their baby sister.  when we see each other (and it is not every day, because we work all over the bldg), we usually smack shoulders hello and sometimes hug hello.  i love that.  i feel really comfy with them.  and let me tell you, they have treated me even better while i have been put through the ringer with this cold heartless “supervisor.”  the point i am trying to make is i don’t normally buddy up to females at work.  i am friendly to most everybody.  rarely do i find a female friend in work situation.  i don’t go looking for it.  but during this awful ride, something so sweet emerged, too.  my brother ~DA rocks and is hilarious and we can talk about anything and i have always been totally comfortable in his presence.  but i never felt comfortable around his wife ~DI (she was alwasy sweet with me, but i could not connect with her, but i always thought she was kind, and the only time i would really say much to her was mostly just to be nice because i am such a buddy with her hubby).  i would never spend time with her unless he was with us, too.

but this changed recently.  she reached out to me and offered this kind awesome sweet supportive friend to me that i wasn’t even looking for.  i had no idea what kind of treasure was in this person.  she has been someone who i now consider a friend.  i look up to this professional woman who is just a few years older than me.  she wears a professional suit/skirt every single day and she is not in my careerfield.  she is an engineer and she is a superviosor in another branch now outside of mine.  i used to be a little intimidated by her … but amazinging, she says she admires me and for how i kept it together and remained professional throughout this.  she admires me?  wow.  i look up to her.  i don’t feel uncomfortable or intimidated by her anymore.  some kind of trust grew here recently.  she has been a true friend to me.  she listens to me.  she has my ear at work.  and she continues to offer me professional advice.  how is it possible that i gained this true color kind of friend when i did not seek this out at all?  she was an angel with me throughout this.  so many were and are, but she was the biggest surprise to me … this amazing kind diamond that emerged from the rough for me. 

we don’t email all the time.  we usually just talk in person every now and then.  but here are a couple of notes from this angel yesterday.  this kind of person is gold to me.

if i am close to you, you know it.  i am grateful for the special people who have touched my life in such sweet ways.

the emails but i gotta run to work now, too.

happy friday kind readers, beany

 

—–Original Message—–
From: ~D
Sent: Thursday, September 18, 2008 8:07 AM
To: kathleen
Subject: Happy Thursday!

Happy Thursday Kathleen!

You made my day!  That was so sweet of you to stop by.  I hope you had fun
camping last weekend.  I know you are extremely busy, so getting your note
made it even more special.  I am here any time you need someone to talk to or
someone to just listen.

You are a wonderful person and deserve only the best.

I hope today is a Happy Day for you!

~D
—–Original Message—–
From: kathleen
Sent: Thursday, September 18, 2008 3:22 PM
To: ~D
Subject: RE: Happy Thursday!

~D — I feel VERY blessed and lucky that a ~D walked into my life
EXACTLY when I needed a ~D.  Does that make sense?  You have been exactly
what I need (listening ear and professional advice) at the exact time that I
need it.

I feel like the Big Guy was looking out for me when he let you and your silly
hubby cross my path.  It amazes me, too, that you were given an office (a
door to close) at exactly when I needed it, too with you.  These are “tender
mercies” to me.

You are the ONLY one here who I shared my journal entry <my blog post> with from yesterday.
Thank you for letting me trust you.

I am proud of me, too, for keeping it together and not blowing up or breaking
down or crying, too.  Cause I easily can cry.  But none of this brought me to
that for some odd and strong reason that kinda baffles me.

Thank you for everything so far,
Kathleen

—–Original Message—–
From: ~D
Sent: Thursday, September 18, 2008 3:32 PM
To: kathleen
Subject: RE: Happy Thursday!

Kathleen,

Things seem to work out for a reason.  My blessing has been having the
opportunity to move to Alaska and meet wonderful people like you.  I was in
an unhealthy work environment before I came here.  Now I have caring and
understanding supervisors.  I pray that you too will in the very near future.

You should be so proud of yourself.  It shows great character on your part in
how you can deal with adversity.

Hang in there and know that my door is always open to you.

~D

 

—–Original Message—–
From: ~D
Sent: Friday, September 19, 2008 7:59 AM
To: kathleen
Subject: Thank You!!!!

Good Morning Kathleen,

You are amazing!!!  You worked late, came in early, and made time to give me
such a sweet gift!!!  I really appreciate your friendship and kindness.  You
are such a thoughtful person and have made my day once again!  After all you
have been going through, you still are thinking about everyone else.  The
cute bear will sit on my desk and be an inspiration for me each day.

Thanks again for being such a wonderful person and friend!

I wish you a Happy Friday and an even Happier Weekend!

~D

….

me again.  see what i mean?  this is awesome to have this kind of dear soul emerge out of the awful ick experiences. 

i miss my favorite bloggies.  hope to pop around and visit and exchange more notes this weekend.

great day to all,

yay for me! i went above my boss. i fought for me today!

i have been dealing with an impossible work situation since april (an overloaded project workload — i have been swimming because i can never keep up … and a cold heartless awful woman supervisor.)  she treated me great UNTIL i told her six weeks into this new position that this project workload is way too much for one comptroller to manage effectively.  as soon as i did that (which i was asked to assess when i was offered this opportunity), she turned on me and treated me like a piece of garbage and a whiner ever since that week.  she didn’t believe me and she ignored my recommendations and she kept giving me even more projects and she kept being mean, rude, cold to me.

I HAVE NO REGRETS THAT I ELEVATED this above her (my “boss” today) (see previous posts if you are curious).  i had told myself i was going to suck it up until year end (30 Sep) (just work as much overtime as i needed to get through this load til the fiscal year was cleared) and then i would elevate this and ask ~G (the boss over my boss and me) to reassign me, that this is unacceptable and unhealthy and i am about to snap or break.

that was my plan.

but she forced my hand today.  i felt i had no choice left but to take action higher today.

she approached me first thing this morning (she was waiting for me to come to work this morning at 6:30am) and asked me to come see her in her office behind closed doors and she proceeded to lecture and chastise and slam me about working overtime to try to keep up with the workload … she also said i should work 10 hourse every single day (this is not acceptable to me, a fulltime job is 40 hours, not more, if you have to work overtime all the time just to keep up, your workload is too much for one person) … and she challenged me that i was lying about working over when i wasn’t (i am not a liar, so i was highly offended to be accused of lying on my time) … and she also called my profession a slam too.  i reminded her that i told her at six weeks into this that i brought forth my recommendations that this project workload is too much for one comptroller and should be split by at least 2 comptrollers and i was ignored and just given even more projects.  but all she did right then was key in on “comptroller” and she said you’re not a comptroller, you’re just a book keeper. 

what??

i said yes i am a comptroller.  i am in the comptroller careerfield and that went on deaf ears as she did her best to put me in my place saying again that i am just a book keeper.

wrong!

no offense to book keepers here, sorry if this comes across this way. but my field is called comptroller and that is fact. i have excelled in my careerfield, i have been rewarded and given countless kudos, i have a MS (masters) degree in business management, i am one of only 18 people in the entire state of alaska who has my CDFM (certified defense financial manager) license (akin to an accountant having a CPA in the civilian world outside of the govt).  that was the hardest goal i have ever accomplished.  i studied my but t off for those three exams and rarely do people do this and pass this cause this is so hard, so it is extra special and valued to have this certification.  i am also one of the few accredited in my comptroller career field high up there, and i would not have that high rating were it not for my experience, my college education, and my continuing professional education in my careerfield.  i take great pride in what i do and i know i do it well.  i am praised regularly.

so i took her comment and repeat of her comment as an insulting blow to me and my profession and all i have worked for and strived to do.  and i was highly insulted to be accused of lying about my hours that i work over.  and i was highly ticked off that i was lectured on using overtime to keep up with an impossible workload.

so this lecture chatisement slam conversation was “it” for me this morning.  this was the straw that broke this camel’s back.  i was done for.  i had had it.  no more.  i was beyond fed up.  and instead of snapping and breaking, i did something about it.  i took action.

but i also did something that i still can’t hardly believe i did while in that meeting with her.  i kept my cool.  i remained professional.  i did not tell her off and i did not yell at her.  i did not call her any names and i did not get angry.  even when she was accusing me of lying and insulting me, i kept my composure.  i defended myself and i stood my ground respectfully.

and i absolutely did not cry and lose it in front of her.  i still have not cried over this.  it never occured to me until tonight after working 12 hours that wow, i didn’t lose it and cry in front of her, good for you kathleen.  (and crying is easy for me to do when i am emotionally moved by something or hurt or angry.)

but this woman is not going to break me.  i am stronger than this.

work is not my whole life, but i have not worked this hard to excel in my career to be treated like garbage.  so all that lecture was for me was “enough.”  i immediately knew that there was no way i would wait until year-end (30 sep) to elevate this. 

i was so fed up this morning, i don’t know how i kept it together.  but after i left her office, i sent an email that i needed to take care of then i silently prayed to myself and i knew what i had to do right then, not 15 minutes from now, and i silently prayed that i would know the right words to say and that i would get help and relief by elevating this.  and the closer i got to that door, the more and more determined and strong i felt.  it could not have worked out more perfectly.  and yes, i feel satisfied today.  i was given a strength to get through this, but i have felt so many times over these weeks/months that i would break and crumble and fall apart and lose it.  things are going to be so much better now.

i went immediately to the man (~R) who offered me this job (he used to be in my chain of command but he still matters because he is one of the chiefs in my division).  so behind closed doors, i sat down and told him everything.  and he was outraged.  and he was supportive and he believed me.  and i told him i had had it, i can not and will not work this workload and i will not work for this cold and heartless woman and that i can not and will not tolerate being treated like garbage anymore.  i said i am done and i am desparate to get out of this.  get me out of this.  reassign me.  i am about to snap or break and lose it and i am trying very hard to keep it together.  he validated me and he said he could tell i was done and i was ready to walk out.  but i said i won’t quit, i haven’t worked for the govt for 21 years to quit.  i am retiring in my careerfield.  he understood.  i told him i wanted his help in getting me reassigned to ANY comptroller position (same grade or higher) in our agency or anchorage for that matter.  he handled this so well.  and he asked me to see our boss above me and my boss and say all of this, too, because he said her supervisor needs to correct/punish her for what she has done here.  i told him i already planned to talk to him ~G, but i wanted to talk to the man who offered me this opportunity first.

and when i took a lunch break, i called a couple of trusted friends and i vented (i got the answering machine and i hesitated to say it all there but i hoped my friend would understand how upset i was and how i needed to say something even if she wasn’t available right then … and also one of my friends was available, so i was able to talk it out with one of my people right then).  i was sooooo upset, i had to talk right then to someone i trust and feel cared for by.  and it did help me to take that short walk outside in the brisk air while talking on the cell phone.

~G (the boss over all of us and over my boss) was not back in town until tonight, so i came back downstairs before i left tonight.  ~R had had a chance to tell him everything before i walked in.  awesome.  ~G talked and listened with me for an hour, yes an hour.  ~R and ~G both were outraged at what she did to me and they were supportive and believed me (they have known me for a long time).  they said they will really try hard to get me reassigned as soon as possible to another comptroller position.  i said i can not and will not work for this heartless cold woman.  i said nobody should be treated like this.  i said i was treated like a treasure before.  i said i earned 16 awards in the past four years (unheard of, rare, for just doing my job and doing it well) … and she treated me like garbage.  they both praised me for everything i had done to try to make this impossible situation work.  they told me thank you for all i have done.  they told me thank you for continuing to come to work each day and try to deal with this situation.  they also told me they recognized that i was FED UP and i was near the point of just walking away (DONE!).  they validated me.  i told them everything.  and i told them i was fed up and i can not and will not work for this woman and i want their help to get me reassigned.  they said they will.  and they praised me for doing this with my back flared up, too.  and ~G also reassured me that he will not let her bring on any repercussion to me because i went above her head.

i am probably being somewhat redundant.  sorry.  i am tired and fired up, too.  this has been an amazing hard yet awesome day.

i am proud of me how i handled all this.  and for the first day in weeks (in the work part of my life), i am smiling again.  it is almost over.

i also told them i hope they don’t select her for that position permanently because she isn’t good at it, i said she is cold and heartless and does not listen or believe.

you can not treat people like garbage and get away with it for very long.  it will always come back to haunt you.  i highly doubt that she will be offered her supervisory position permanently.  she showed her true colors, i know it.

i fought for me today and i feel great about it.  and i am so glad i never once broke down and or cried in front of her.  that would have been too satisfying to her i am sure.  i think some people are truly miserable people and get some kind of sick enjoyment in making others miserable also who are under their command.

i have no regrets about how i tried to handle this using my channels along the way, and that i finally had to elevate this.

i know i did the right thing all along here.

i am confident that the right thing will happen from this.
night, kathleen

ps. and here’s a gem …

Gratitude for Tribulations

“Tribulations are frightening. And yet the Lord said: ‘Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.” ‘And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious’ (D&C 59:7).”The kind of gratitude that receives even tribulations with thanksgiving requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit, humility to accept that which we cannot change, willingness to turn everything over to the Lord–even when we do not understand, thankfulness for hidden opportunities yet to be revealed. Then comes a sense of peace.”When was the last time you thanked the Lord for a trial or tribulation? Adversity compels us to go to our knees; does gratitude for adversity do that as well?”President David O. McKay observed, ‘We find in the bitter chill of adversity the real test of our gratitude . . . , which . . . goes beneath the surface of life, whether sad or joyous’ (L. McKay).”   — by b.parkin

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