what if i am right where i am supposed to be?
“polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. love life and look for its opportunities, and forever and always be loyal.”
for some reason, my post called “i never said it would be easy, i only said it would be worth it” is the all time most popular hit by far on my blog. people gravitate to it and i don’t know why. maybe they feel comforted by the words like i do. i know the first time i read this quote, i was immediately struck by the words. wow, they got to me and they still do. the quote pierced me the first time i saw it at the bookstore. it is in a picture frame with a picture of Jesus and i bought it and it hangs over my front door.
i love the reminder and i love seeing it in my home entry way before i leave for the day. sometimes i forget to look at it. sometimes i forget to look up. and when i do, i ponder, why didn’t i look at you for awhile? i must have let myself get distracted. i’m back.
if you know me, you know i don’t really believe in coincidences. i think a lot of times things happen or begin to occur when we are ready to experience something for some reason. not really by chance.
i have adapted this quote to my life and i strive to live by it.
some of the hardest experiences have given me some of the best lessons and i wouldn’t trade the hard for anything … even my teen daughters running away and being missing for 3 weeks and 4 days summer 2007. it was gut wrenching hard i won’t kid you but overall i felt a sense of peace/calm that passeth all understanding. friends of mine, some who i didn’t even know super well up to that point out-poured caring kindness/support to us. overwhelmingly, too. and most importantly, i felt like i had nothing else to hang on to or turn to BUT to turn to GOD. i never really thought much of prayer before that experience. but i prayed my heart out all the time while they were missing (things like we don’t know where they are, please look after our girls) and it was during those walks and prayers in the sun on those work days (i still had to function and go to work and be responsible even though we didn’t know where they were and we were in pain … but still overall), i felt a sense of peace that made no sense .. but it helped me get through that. and it helped me to comfort my husband who didn’t feel that sense of peace.
you know what’s kinda amazing to me?
THEE DAY that the girls ran away (13aug2007) on my quote a day calendar that my grandma made for me long ago has this quote .. “prayer doesn’t change things, it changes people.”
and i have not moved that 13aug quote calendar over to any future days either. it sits right by my computer. i am not willing to go to the next day UNTIL 16 y/o ~E comes home finally from the utah residential treatment center likely in december. how far we have come since that day she ran away w/her sister.
we are all, overall, much better since then. lots of bumps, but still plenty of good, too. and i am glad that 18 y/o ~A and i have been getting along much better lately … i know it is because i have made a more conscious effort to treat her like i want to be treated … i know it … and she has been responding very well to these efforts. it has been like candy (if i still loved candy) to experience the light-hearted laughter moments w/her the last few days. it’s like the lights came on and i wondered to myself … where have i been? why did i stop paying attention to this? was i numb and just going through the motions? i was missing things. i don’t want to miss as much again. if i don’t pay attention and try to strive to do better in some of my relationships, i will lose them … and nobody can do what i am supposed to do. i have to live this path and nobody can do this for me. i said it the other day (in a journal entry). i feel like in a way, i was stuck on pause again … and i hit the pause button on the VCR again to resume … to hopefully more fully get back into it. i look at my life and i know at times (sometimes for long periods) i have been stuck on pause and going through the motions functioning and successful in parts of my life but not fully engaged. i don’t know why i do that at times, but i see patterns. if i am kind of numb, i don’t really have to FEEL everything. i think i learned this to survive my early years that were unfathomable to accept. and at various points in my life, something has sort of “clicked” and i have “got it” just a little bit more and i move forward a little more and a little better. this is so ingrained into the whole of me, like a body part i can not chop off. i keep opening up the blinders a little more each time i become a little more aware and willing to move on. and i wonder a little bit about where did i go? why did i check out and escape? did i escape? i feel like i blinked and the last few months, especially the last couple months just flew by so fast they practically disappeared from my life.
eyes a little more wide open again, instead of with subconscious blinders on.
while they were runaways, prayer/leaning on God COMPLETELY became very personal and real and so comforting to me … a comfort i never experienced before that awful adversity. i have never thought the same about personal prayer and in trusting/leaning on God since.
i believe and i trust that the experiences i am given, especially the hard ones, are for my good. there is some benefit, some reason for it all … and if not known now, it will eventually all become very clear as to why.
i know that He is mindful of me/us and i know i am not on my own in this walk through life.
even though it all hurt so much, i am grateful that there was something in my life that brought me to my knees, to His feet … completely.
i’m not afraid to lean on and trust.
it will be always be okay somehow someway.