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my daughter ~E (16 1/2 now) is doing so well.  hubby/daddy flys out tomorrow night to utah to pick up ~E and bring her back saturday am.

she said she will go to church/sacrament with me on sunday 🙂
 
she will be here until next friday morning (h a l l o w e e n) when he will fly her back to utah.  she will be released for good in december is what we are being told.  that will make 14 1/2 months that she was in the residential treatment center (RTC) in utah.  she is still doing great.  such a turnaround.  such a gift to see her change of heart.  had another awesome positive weekly phone call with her today (with therapist, ~E, me, hubby/daddy).  given what i know now and if the circumstances were the same, i would make the same decision to send her for long term RTC treatment.  i believe she was given exactly what she needed.  i am grateful that she was able to be connected up to this. 
 
i miss that girl.
things work out somehow someway.
kathleen
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awh, today my hubby and my pup luka are sleeping

so good .. last night my 18 y/o daughter ~A out of the blue coming over to me and wrapping her arms around me and saying, “i just haven’t given you a hug in awhile mom.”  awh.

so good .. all the better mommy-daughter interactions we have been having for the last couple weeks.  i am eating up the night and day different since i decided to not resort to yelling anymore.  she is responding so well.  we giggle more and seem more comfortable.  last night was fun to hear her all excited telling me about something she learned and she was talking so fast trying to get it all out to me and she had a big grin on her face.  awh.

so good .. missing my 16 y/o daughter ~E.  sharing awesome weekly phone calls with her (while she is still in the longterm residential treatment center in utah).  it hurts to miss her, but i am glad i feel that now instead of numb nothing which i did for a long time.  she has been doing sooooo good and she will be released very soon, dec likely.  looking forward to a visit soon.  miss my baby girl.  awh.

so good .. this morning, a friend checking in on me because she only saw me briefly the other day and she wanted to see how i was doing.  awh.

so good .. getting mauled with hugs by three little girls at church who i used to teach (primary).  i was looking for a friend of mine and before i knew it, my legs couldn’t move because 7 y/o ~EK, and 5 y/os ~LB and ~LN ganged up on me and tackled me with a group hug.  loved it.  they were all talkative and cute and giggly.  funny, they don’t even care if i don’t have stickers on me.  some of these little ones still come up to me just to say hi, share a smile, share stickers, or just a giggle.  awh, these are priceless moments.

so good .. hubby did it again, no surprise here.  he tried to throw his dirty boxers at me.  so i grabbed them and chased him through the master suite, closet, and adjoining bathroom while he squealed trying to get away from my pitcher’s arm.  i playfully smacked him with his drawers and we both giggled.  love that kind of moment.  awh.

so good .. a friend of mine at work called me “beany.”  awh.  haha.  i never told her that nickname.  i had emailed her a couple of notes because we were arranging to walk at lunchtime and i signed my emails kathleenybeany, cause i feel comfy with her.  (i do not use this in my normal work correspondence at all.)  it felt so neat to hear her say that for the first time.  so i am a dork.  haha.

so good .. peaceful music that helps me not forget His promises are sure.  music that moves my soul.  music that lifts me up and encourages me.  music that makes my heart feel like dancing in the rain with my face up.  music that makes my joy run over.  awh.

so good .. late night chats with our jim when the household is asleep.  dear friend.  love his brain, his wisdom, and his compassion and sweetness.  awh.

so good .. sharing silly comments and emails back and forth for the longest time with a silly friend.  giggling and snort laughing even though i can’t hear them but what we keep doing is making us both laugh and continue the playful exchange.  awh.

so good .. a long talk with a friend where we don’t even notice the passage of time.  sharing whatever is on our hearts at the moment.  giggling and laughing playfully to our hearts’ content.  awh.

so good .. “and the heart that is soonest awake to the flowers — is always the first to be touched by the thorns.”  — by t.moore

so good .. coming home to my doggies and crawling around on the carpet with them and nuzzling their heads with mine and giggling and them yapping/howling/talking to me as they climb all over me and kiss on me.  awh.

so good .. cuddling with my pup on the bed as he falls asleep in my arms.  awh.

so good .. flannel sheets.  fleece blankees.  cuddly stuffed animals.  cuddly pets.  cuddly friends.  being so comfy with someone you feel like you are wrapped in a soft cuddly comforter.  awh.

so good .. my 16 y/o daughter ~E saying “bye mom love you” before i got to it before jumping off the phone.  been a long time since i heard my girl say that.  awh.

so good .. a flag worker on the road was visibly shaking and cold looking.  my hubby pointed it out to me.  i ran to the back of the motorhome and grabbed an extra thick plaid shirt and as we drove up to her, i offered it out the window to her to keep.  you should’ve seen her face.  pure awesome.  she lit up and say “really?  oh thanks, yes, i am cold.”  and she took it.  she looked so happy.  that made me feel so happy to give something i had that could comfort somebody who needed it.  i felt lucky to get to be there right then.  awh.

so good .. making crafty cards at a friend’s house.  and i stayed too long and i was so wiped out and passing out.  and she drove me home so i wouldn’t be unsafe on the road.  awh.

so good .. realizing i’m better for the time we’ve spent together.  awh.

peace, kathleen

(can’t help it. i keep writing and reading so much lately. i am just going with it. so much is busting to come loose. didn’t even know this was on my mind tonight until i started talking to a friend of mine tonight because he posed some interesting thoughts and questions to me. i feel like i am in a philosophy class sometimes when i am talking with this friend. enjoy him immensely. i enjoy his brain immensely. and he is a kind soul. i love kind souls. okay, disclaimer is over. pull up a chair if you desire.)

i have loved that quote for years about “begin with the end in mind.”

i also read something recently that got to me and is kinda similar.  it was something like … decide what you want THEN plan your goals around that. 

hmmmm.

how can you make a goal and make plans if you don’t truly know what end result you really want?  i like the thought behind it.  just saying “i’ll do better” doesn’t seem like enough.  when i accomplished my associates, bachelors, and masters degrees, i very clearly plotted the end target for each and then i filled in all the courses each semester that would get me there.  and i reassessed and i updated and while working through the shorter term goals, i still constantly kept my eye on that end goal.  i had it written down each time and i pulled it out and i looked at it and i marked all over it.  it became fun for me in a way.  but i remember feeling sad in a way when i was near done with the last degree .. because i was thinking “what next?”  everytime i finished a big goal in my life, before i was completely done with it, i overlapped it and started another new one.

but since i finished my certification (credentials — hardest exams of my life) in my careerfield a couple years ago and served for a year as president of my career field’s local chapter last year, i feel kind of stale.  i don’t know.  just nothing.  i haven’t thought of another thing/goal to go for next.  i think i am bored and wanting to move on, to step outside of my comfort zone.  and i think the thought of staying in my present career field until i retire at age 55 (that’s 15 more years) sounds stifling.  i feel this urge that i want to explore something else and staying another 15 years in the same field feels depressing to me.  i’m not sure what to do.

i love the saying, “i work to support me and my family, i live to serve my God and others.”

since 1996, work stopped being my primary focus in life.  i remember back then that that was my number one priority.  i’m glad my priorities shifted and they shifted even more three years ago for the better i say.  but up until 1996, i thought nothing of working extra hours on the weekend often and doing it for free.  that was dumb.  there was always work to do and it really made no difference if i came in extra .. it just made me grumpier because nobody else was doing that.  i needed something else.

what helped me break that extra working habit was a friend in my life.  she was another mom/wife and we started walking every single weekend, usually saturdays for a couple hours and we hiked in the woods.  we talked of most everything going on in our lives and we were exercising at the same time, too.  it felt healthy to do this (the hiking and the talking/processing).  we did this almost every single weekend for several years.  it was a great experience.  she helped me to find a little more balance outside of work.  and since this experience it has been important to me to have more than just work as my life.  work will never again take top burner for me.

but i crave something career wise that i can’t quite put my finger on yet.  and i think i am kind of afraid to do something about it right now.  but i feel this some kind of itch that i can’t quite reach yet.  and i think i likely will keep feeling this itch until i find what it is.  i’m not done looking.

i’m glad i had my friend tonight to ponder this a little more with.  thanks my buddy.
🙂 kathleen

why not?

i thought i already believed in forgiveness before lately.  but i think i had only scratched the surface.  i’m still scratching.

now i am convinced that forgiveness is the way to go.  the scriptures that speak of this are not just word fillers.  those words are meaningful.  they mean more to me now.  they are in there for good reason.  when you are so filled up with anger, it is sometimes harder to be fully engaged in some of the good things in a life.  things bounce off you more than they absorb into your very being.

i didn’t do myself any good by holding anger in and not dealing with some past and present things. i’m noticing more lately what i want to try to do better about.

“letting go” has renewed meaning to me lately.

these are not just quaint words in a quote or a poem.  if you truly let go, something else can take the place.

it has been priceless for me to experience anger turning to forgiveness to something sweeter.  this has felt healthier and freeing.  this feels better.

i don’t believe that every forgiveness experience will lead to a renewed relationship, but i do believe that it doesn’t do us much good to hold on to anger like a big weight that holds us down.  and it did weigh on me.  and there is a whole rest of a lifetime to continue to try to make a better choice.

when you let go of anger and choose a better way, what is left in its place?  something better.  something softer.  more room for accepting and taking note of joy in a life.  if you’re not trying so hard to repel things and keep others out, … you let something better IN.

yes, there is a better way, kathleen

PS. awh, my 18 y/o daughter ~A came up to me tonight and wrapped her arms around me and said, “i just haven’t given you a hug in awhile mom.”  tis sweet.

what if this is exactly what i needed to face right now?

for a couple weeks now, i’ve been trying a different approach with my oldest, 18 y/o daughter ~A.

mainly through journal ponderings, it felt very clear to me.  hard as it was to accept right then, i think i had being too hard on my daughter.  i think i was too quick to anger.  i think i jumped to yelling far too easily.  i wanted to make a change. 

i could contain it (anger/yelling/the like) at work etc., but at home, i was letting it too loose.  and i did not like that part of me that i was seeing on my private journal pages.  why is it that we can sometimes so easily let it all go in our homes?  is it because those who love us and live with us see us at our worst and at our best?  is it because those who love us accept us, no matter what?  i am grateful that those who love me accept me, faults and all.  i feel that way about those i love.

but i did not like what i saw about anger.  this seemed revealing to me.  so instead of avoiding what was staring me in the face or ignoring what i knew i wanted to do something about, i made a decision.  i decided to try a different approach with her.  this was awkward and uncomfortable at first but i felt this was a necessary step to try.  i talked to her and i said i was sorry for how i had been angry around her too much and i told her i wanted to try to not yell anymore.  i told her i wanted to get along better and i wanted to make more effort to share more mommy-daughter moments.  she responded well to my peace offering and she seemed especially eager to plan a mommy-daughter date.

overall, these last couple weeks have been night and day different.  i told myself (and her) that I did not want to resort to yelling anymore and i haven’t been at all.  i have been approaching her with a softer more loving and forgiving manner.  taking it like baby steps.  one moment at a time, one day at a time.  and overall, it has been sweet to see her respond so far.  the other day when i corrected her and told her not to use that cuss word, she yelled at me.  but i made this choice recently and i want to stick by it.  instead of reacting to her and yelling, i told her to stop yelling, i’m not yelling, you come back to me when you are ready to talk in a good voice.  something like that.  and she did come back to me later, and she chose a different/better voice to use from that point on.  and she hasn’t yelled since then.  yes, baby steps, but overall, i think we are both trying to do something better.

i’m glad that i made this choice to try a better approach before she finished high school and moved out (because that is fast approaching and she is practically counting down the days until her independence). 

it doesn’t have to be “too late” to try to make a positive change for you and those you impact.

blessings, kathleen

  thank you .. i’d like to thank the academy, hehe

awh, TARa from If Mom Says Ok gave me this award today for “writing with honesty, heart and and passion.”  thank you.  and TARa, you touched my heart this weekend, when you commented on one of my reflective posts that i have a beautiful soul.  thank you. 

i don’t normally pass on awards publicly.  i am usually private like that.  it’s just me.  live with it ((smiles).  but this award i especially like what it stands for.  it made me ponder hmmm, who out there writes often where their words usually or so often just pierce me and touch my soul or make me melt or just think .. awh, that was so good or so inspiring, .. or awh, that really makes me want to do better at (blank).  there are so many neat and inspiring blogs/writers out here and so many more to yet stumble across.  i can hardly wait.  this weekend, i spent some time branching out and reading and commenting on blogs who i have never gone to .. i just followed comments from my blog to other blogs and who they commented on and continued an endless chain.  but everything i went to first started out at something i already knew.  sounds like k e v i n  b a c o n  and six or seven degrees of separation.  what was a trip also was sometimes i bounced around through so many levels that i stumbled across bloggers who i had read when i first started this blog a year and a half ago.  small world, eh?  it made the walls seem smaller because ultimately so many of us knew so many of the same bloggers now or at one time.  it was fun and interesting.  sometimes not (but we don’t have to stay and linger at blogs that do not interest us at all, there are countless goodies to pick from).  but mostly it was neat.  in doing that, i accidentally stumbled upon one blog that i was instantly mesmerized by and i included it in my list of awardees here.  rarely does a blog/writer get to me in the very first or second post i read but if i hadn’t decided to branch out of my comfort zone of mostly just who i am used to reading, i wouldn’t have found this new gem that i immediately added to my google reader list of favorites this weekend so i can continue to be wowed by her amazing heart that she writes with.

so i thought about this today and no, i didn’t want to pass this on to everybody i enjoy reading or everybody who i enjoy a camaraderie with.  i want to highlight ten blogs .. their words move me so often by what they dare risk to say from their hearts.  these jumped out at me today when pondering this question.  if you have time, i hope you take a moment and check them out if you don’t recognize them.  each of these, in their own unique way, have and continue to speak to my heart in so many ways.  often, i leave their serious posts/blogs (or email alerts) feeling better for just having read the honesty and their take on things .. just better for it.

there are some little rules with this award and even though i prefer to make my own rules on my own blog (because it is MY blog, tee hee), there are some cool things here to pass on, too, so i will.

“Of course, as with every Bloggy Award, there are A Few Rules. They are, forthwith:

Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.  i decided to stop at 10 awardees.  it was too hard for me to limit my praise to just 5.
Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.
Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!”

in turn, i would like to acknowledge these bloggers, each one someone who writes with honesty, heart and passion.  i love the way these folks write.  they get to me.  if you don’t know them, i encourage you to check them out and see for yourselves.

with respect, i bestow this award to each of these (in alphabetical order).  thank you for spreading your wisdom or sharing your heart and passion of inspiring and deep words.

1-bruno, of “Morning Java With Life Coach Bruno LoGreco,” has this inspiring website.  almost every post or article he has submitted has gotten my attention in some meaningful way.  so many of his pieces just seem to be what i need to read that day.  he calls it like it is.  he has a refreshing voice.  he is sharp.  i always leave his website with another gem to take into my life. 

2- bunchy, of “The Bunchy Blog,” writes from the heart and so often i feel like i can relate to what she shares.  she first got my attention when somebody was mean to her on her blog and i was so impressed at how, even though so many folks were supportive and awesome and wanted to know who hurt her, i was way impressed that she let that person remain anonymous.  she showed class and she didn’t stoop to poor behavior that was done to her.  so many times, i have read her blog and just been thrilled to see how much i can understand her path at times.

3- candace, of “Dream a Little Dream,” is a defender of the American way.  when i think of candace, i think of God and country.  so many of her posts that i admire hit on American ideals, patriotism, and God.  her blog is full of her political views, too.  i didn’t join the Army (i joined the Air Force), but she is someone i would want in my foxhole with me.  so often i leave her blog (or email alerts) and my heart is full and pumped up and i want to go salute an American flag again.  this lady has spirit and guts that i admire.

4- cornnut, of “Picture of Experience,” is the one above who i was saying i happened to stumble upon this weekend when i was just hopping from blog to blog from comment chains.  i read a couple of her posts and my heart was so touched, i immediately added her to my google reader of favorites so i will be able to see her new posts when she puts them out there.  rarely do i love a blog when i first start to read it.  i usually have to spend a good bit of time there before i sometimes decide to add it to my favorites list.  but she got to me.  the pain and path she talked of recently going through made me want to reach out to her right now and i had never even read her before.  i was overcome with the way she shared so openly and honestly and i felt like offering any encouragement i could think of to share and ultimately, i knew i was hooked and that i would be back.

5- heather, of “Singing With My Heart,” shares a journey that few are willing to ever talk about.  her best posts i think are when she writes in pain.  she openly and with blunt rawness goes where few dare to.  and the way she writes is poetry in action.  do you realize how good you are at this heather?  you amaze me when you write so beautifully.  you get to me over and over.  you make me feel like i am right here along with you on a similar journey.  you are so easy to relate to about our similar adversities.  and i cheer you everytime you savor something healthy anew.  it is not our coldness that makes others want to give us warmth.  it is our warmth that makes others want to comfort us.  you have story to share.  you are such a giver.

6- huckdoll/jen, of “Huckdoll’s Hood,” also writes raw and with passion and honesty … and she also dares share what few are willing to.  when i first started reading her blog, i was almost immediately taken back by how she put it all out there and didn’t seem afraid to share some of the darkest most painful moments of her life.  her story has touched others and i bet, prevented them from making some of the same choices.  this is a gutsy feisty brave woman but still so sincere and humble.  she has inspired me more than once to not put up with bad treatment.  she has inspired me to stand up for myself.  and i can almost feel her cheering for me when i do.  don’t stop sharing.  you have a unique story to share.  you touch countless lives by your willingness to be real.

7- jenna, of “Cranberry Corner,” is someone who captured my attention the very first time i read one of her posts.  it was about finding her husband and it was such a touching story shared.  she writes with passion when she writes like this.  i can think of half a dozen of her posts that have pierced me.  if she hasn’t already broken into this, i suspect she will one day be a published book author for she is incredibly talented at expressing herself especially when she shared autobiographical accounts of discovery and learning and observation.

8- traci, of “Traci Hunter Abramson,” is my favorite author.  i usually jump from book to book and i don’t always finish each one i start.  she is one of the few authors where i can read one of her books from cover to cover in practically one sitting without getting bored or distracted or anything.  that is rare for me.  she writes so interesting to me.  she inspired me to dabble with creative fiction writing for the first time and it was so fun to dabble.  but no, i love that my career has nothing to do with creative writing.  to put out book after book on deadline is an amazing talent that some have.  and additionally, traci really made my day awhile back.  this was such a thrill to me.  i have shared countless emails with trace.  and recently, the owner of the alaska bookstore up here was down in utah i think at a bookshow and she ran into trace and she said ooo i know someone up in alaska who would love to meet you, who loves your books, etc, something like that.  the book owner couldn’t remember my name for a second and trace said something like oh you must mean kathleen.  (that was soooo cool.  that was such a thrill for me to have my favorite author say that and remember me.  still tickled.)  her books are exciting and full of suspense and icky scary plots of people trying to get somebody .. fun fun action. 

9- steve, of “The Ripple Effect,” has this incredibly inspiring website.  every single time i go there, i always leave feeling better for the experience.  he is so positive and has a perfect way of looking at the world and others.  he makes me want to try to be better in this world.  thanks for your example.

10- sue, of “Beggar’s Shot Glass,” when she writes her deep and heartfelt posts, i feel almost like i am really experiencing these moments with her.  not very many people can make me feel like i am truly experiencing every heart-wrenching moment (and joy) with her.  she has this amazing gift of flare when she writes like this.  her words dance across the page and mesmerize me and i can’t help but want to read even more.  i don’t skim her posts at all.  every word in her deep posts are worth the read to me.

this took forever to write up this post.  too many links, haha.  i don’t like putting tons of links in posts, but i wanted to share these awesome passionate writers with you.  i hope you check out some of these who you don’t already know.  each one of these, in their own special way, makes the blogosphere a better place in my humble opinion.

peace, kathleen