sa-weet vs. bitter. i need to list them, especially when my mood is flat. it sometimes helps remind me to be more grateful for the blessings in life.
bitter. 16 y/o daughter ~E is still having a hard time at the longterm residental treatment center (RTC) in utah. had another tough weekly family phone call with her and her therapist. she is still doing the school work thankfully, but she is so difficult and angry with the people around her. ~E has been out of the home since august. want her to come home (i think?) but not until she is ready .. and not until her therapist says she is ready. no time soon is all i know. i think she is right where she needs to be right now. but i want so bad for her to outgrow all this garbage and move on. i want to move on to the next chapter. i don’t feel patient in this affliction at all. i want this over. what could possibly be the good in this adversity? i can’t see it yet.
bitter. i regret that i said yes to the job offer recently. i wish i could go back in time and reverse my decision that i said yes to this job offer. i did not have a crystal ball. if i had known what i know now, i never would have said yes to this. i have just completed seven weeks in the new position at my existing agency. this is not what i signed on for. there are too many (hundreds!!, not kidding) projects/workload assigned to me … just one comptroller. i am spread far too thin, i can not give this justice. i am reacting, putting out fires mostly, racing .. i can not be proactive. i have no time to do this right. i am just trying to get the most urgent demands done. this is draining me, making me miserable, sucking the life and energy out of me. this is not the way i operate in a work situation. i typically like to keep my projects/workload organized, cleaned up, and followed up/reviewed, so i am more proactive. i can barely breathe because i am spread too thin over too many. no other comptroller has this project workload. since last monday, i have been voicing my concern and disdain for this arrangement. i waited six weeks at that point to decide what i really thought of this and last monday, i said all this and more and made my recommendations that this project workload should be split between at least two comptrollers, i said this was not healthy, and that i also started looking for another comptroller job. what i hate is that it is hard to move around position wise in any timely manner in the government, nothing about applying for jobs usually moves quickly. and i am not willing to move from alaska, so it limits my opportunities more, too. and there are fewer positions available the further up in the career ladder. you pretty much have to wait for people to die or retire for an opening right above my pay grade. and then when one does open up, sooooooooooooo many apply, so the competition is fierce. but i know this is not acceptable the work situation (overload) that i am in right now. something has to change. this is the perfect makings of “burnout” or causing a person to have a heart attack. i won’t let myself do that. i am tired of racing. i can only get done as much as i can get done in one work day. opps, didn’t mean to go on soooo much about this, but this is ticking me off. it isn’t right. i have to do whatever i can do to make it better. what has been gained by me taking this on? what good has come of this? i don’t see it yet. but something has to change for the better. i will not let myself
sa-weet. my boss was out most of the week sick, so i went above her. the work world still goes on even if someone is out on leave or a business trip. i could not and would not wait. because i went to two of the lead comptrollers, ~L was able to voice my concerns to higher ups for me and the project workload distribution is noted and is being looked into (we’ll see). i want a fair distribution, not overload. so that was something and the other good news is that i got my assistant back. my workload is swamped with having an assistant. it was going to be EVEN MORE swamped without her, so i am glad i get to keep and utilize that much needed resource. if i hadn’t gone above my boss, i would not have the assistant anymore, so I AM GLAD I SPOKE UP! i will not keep quiet when i think something needs to be done and/or said. and i will keep speaking up when i need to.
sa-weet. seeing a friend today in church who i hadn’t seen in awhile. ~JH looked so happy to see me. genuinely. she patted next to her and motioned for me to come join her in the pew next to her. of course. i joined her. hugged her and we talked for a few minutes before the service started. and after the main service, she hugged me again (real tight and loving .. proxy) and we talked for a couple more minutes before parting to go to our other classes.
sa-weet. also saw friend ~JW again today and she scooped me up in two separate tender hugs. that friend knows how to hug juuuuust right. she is a little thing, too, but she holds on snug and lovingly.
sa-weet. today was my last day volunteering with the little ones in church/primary (see previous post). i leaned in and told little 5 y/o ~LB this and she just reached out and put her head on my shoulder and hugged me tight. I MELTED COMPLETELY. awh. what an angel. it was utterly amazingly sweet and tender. she asked me where i was going. i told her she has another teacher but i hoped she would still come up to me and talk to me when she sees me in church. during “sharing time” with the kids, she hugged me like that three times and she sat on my lap part of the time, too. and the smiles she gave me (like usual) were just to melt for. what a total sweetheart. her smile could start a truck.
sa-weet. getting to partake of these hugs today. i love these kind of tender hugs (proxy) and am grateful for each one i get to share with someone i care for/to.
sa-weet. getting to spend “sharing time” one more time today with the primary kids in church. getting to sing with them. getting to stand with the little ones and do all the motions with our bodies while we sang some of the silly songs. the choir leader announced it was my last sunday in primary with the kids and they wanted to sing my favorite kids’ song to me, so i picked (OF COURSE) “popcorn popping on the apricot tree” and it was a hilarious fun moment. that song always cheers me no matter what mood i am in. odd thing is i have been in primary for one year and eight months and i never remember them ever singing a song to any volunteer when leaving, they just leave. so, it felt even more special today that that was done that way just for me.
sa-weet. had a nice and funny and light-hearted mommy-daughter night the other night with my 17 y/o ~A. we went to a comedy at the movie theater and we just had a fun time that night together. she was in a goofy, silly, and fun-loving mood. she was not acting like the usual teenager ansgt grouchy ick. so, i’ll take any good moment i can get with her. she seems more and more like an adult lately. she has almost saved up for first car and she is very thrilled. she got a good deal because a friend (and the friend’s family) is moving and the friend doesn’t want much for the car.
sa-weet. i giggled at the light-hearted moment with hubby this weekend when he made up a rap song for me and sang it to me. he had me laughing. the silly boy.
sa-weet. one of the talks in church (Sacrament) today had me giggling at times. ~LS (returned missionary and recently married) could be spiritual in his talk but a couple of the things he added just had me giggling and wanting to laugh out louder. he said when he met his soon to be wife, he was acting like a “WEANY.” hahahaha. and later when he was talking about different leaders/fathers from the scriptures, he mentioned one who was just referred to as someone’s father (you know, one of those characters mentioned in the scriptures where their name was neglected to be mentioned). he said he’s always liked that character and felt he should have a name, so he gave him the name “king big daddy.” hahaha. KING BIG DADDY?? i couldn’t help but laugh. his talk was about the example that so many fathers gave for their children. i was distracted and not doing too well paying attention to the talks, but ~LS’ use of humor helped me pay attention to most of his message. so thank you ~LS.
sa-weet. i got to attend R.S. (the women’s group) today at church, since my tenure volunteer gig with primary (the kids’ program) ended. what a surprise to get to be there in the big girl room today. part of the opening hymn just melted me and really got to me … made me choke up. it was “sweet hour of prayer,” hymn #142. it was the first thing all day that choked me up today. i love that when a song affects me emotionally and brings me to tears. that was the AH-HA moment i was supposed to be in church for today.
sa-weet. the lesson today was on prayer and it was just the reminder i wanted and i guess needed to hear today. it is too easy (for me) to go along in life and forget to do that simple gesture. not just to ask for help but also to offer up thanks for the many blessings.
sa-weet. being asked to give the closing prayer after the lesson today. and i didn’t rush … at … all. i took time. i let it feel peaceful. i took it seriously and respectfully offered up a prayer of thanks and it felt so good not to rush the words and to just pause.
sa-weet. telling the woman who gave the lesson how touched i was by her lesson. she got to me. she touched my heart. so glad i was released from primary so i could take part in this lesson today. it was just where i needed to be. just what i needed to hear.
a request. if you believe in prayer, please include me and my daughter. the two bitters i listed at the very beginning have me pretty tapped, drained, miserable, and down lately. and i don’t want to feel that way. i didn’t want to write as much as i did negatively at the beginning of this post, but i think i needed to write some. i want to get through this. i want peace. am i asking too much? thank you for prayers if you are willing to offer them up.
blessings and peace this day, kathleen
Ah, Kathleen–the bitters are tough. I’m impressed that you were able to take the time to list the sweet. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but why does He sometimes seem to think we’re so strong??? 🙂
I’m glad you were able to go the higher-ups and hope that things improve for your daughter at ROTC.
Love from Kansas–Angela
You are there for me, my friend, and I am here for you. Y’all are in my prayers. BIG BIG HUGS!!! to you!
Sure … I will include you / daughter in my prayers!!
With all that’s going on in your life, it’s nice to see the positive things in your mind as well. Sometimes it is hard to do. All the best to you Kathleen. Through faith, come the rays of light peering down among storm clouds 🙂
Way to speak up for yourself! I hope both situations improve very, very soon. I’ve found that sometimes it can really help to just write out the bitters in life. Just doing that can make it easier to deal with.
I love “Sweet Hour of Prayer” too. Sounds like you had a wonderful sabbath.
I hope things get better for you, and I think it’s great that you are always able to point out the “sa-weet” side!
King Lamoni’s father!! I so GET it. I wish I’d called him that a couple weeks ago in Primary.
Prayers headed your way. 😉
I think you are awesome. Keep counting your blessings and focusing on the Sweet! President Hinckley’s favorite mantra was that “it all works out”. And it does. But never in the ways we expect. Life is certainly a rollercoaster ride. Hang on!
King Big Daddy?! I can see why you’d be laughing! I can hear it now!!!!
Ahahahahaha. Oh, this is WRONG to laugh at this! hahahahahahah But filarious! hahahahahah
I love how you said the little one’s smile could start a truck. You’ll be in my prayers Beany.
I strive to be one of those “just right” huggers – they are the best.
I’m happy to see your sweets far outnumber you bitters – that’s a wonderful attitude!
My prayers are with you! Life is hard sometimes. You seem to be able to find the good though…keep with it! Remember that we wouldn’t know the good if we didn’t have the bad. Good for you for going to the higher ups about your work load. I doubt they want you to pack up and leave. They wanted you for that position…so they’ll want to keep you happy!
I’m so sorry that your bitters are so hard on you. I will add you and your daughter to my prayers. {{HUGS}} Just hold on to all those wonderful sweets.
I am glad that you are speaking up for yourself at work. I used to do speech therapy, and the therapist over me had to do the caseload paperwork (she had the degree for it, I didn’t) and she often was up til 1, 2, or 3 in the morning … never got to see her kids, never rested, never well … such a sweet lady but too overused. You absolutely have to speak up for yourself, and you are doing that and that’s just what the doctor ordered.
The good in this IS THERE. Trials make us WAY stronger than good times do. These hard times are forming you into something strong … or something empathetic …. or giving you a new skill or knowledge …. the good is definitely there.
Good job finding all of those sa-weeets!
Here’s another hug for you!
HUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
Wendy Wendster
Oh Kathleen, you and your daughters will surely be in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that your bitters lighten up for you soon. I am so sorry that your job is wearing you so thin, and I’m glad you spoke up and at least got yourself just a bit more help, even though I’m sure so much more is needed.
Sending many *hugs*, sandy
I’m thinking of you Beany. Lots and lots of prayers heading your way, and E’s way, as well.
lots of love, and my inbox is ALWAYS open.
xoxo ♥
You got it sah-weety– prayers coming right up. The mother/teen drain is nothing to scoff at– those emotions can really suck the life out of you. I honestly thought I would never make it through son # 1’s ordeals and could honestly say it was killing me ( referred to him as the energy vampire for awhile–not to him of course). You will get through this. She will be stronger for getting through this. And you’ll have our prayers.
Prayers going out for you. I hope thing get better for your daughter and at your work situation. Good for you for speaking up! *hugs*
ALL — thank you for the sweet kind words. appreciated, kathleen
Seems to me you really know how to savor the sweet.
I send you hugs…not like real ones but the thought is still the same.
Sweetie,
You and your family most certainly are being pulled through the ringer. Your ability to see the sunshine through the clouds continually amazes me.
Peace and blessings….
hi JJ — the thought is kind. thanks,
hi amber — awh, so sweet of you to keep telling me this.
peace, kathleen
cool
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!