this matters more to me

“…we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.” — isaiah 64:8

“don’t pray for an easy life.  pray to be a strong person.”

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sleep is hard right now.  too much has been on my mind.  assessing some good and not so good.

16 y/o daughter ~E will arrive at 2:27pm.  less than 12 hours from now and she will be here for one week.  the countdown is on.  dropped hubby/daddy at the airport a couple hours ago and he is flying down to utah right now to escort her back.  can’t hardly believe we all get to hug her again in just a few hours.  i don’t want to put her back on the plane to finish out her treatment completely by december.  it’s going to tear out our hearts to put her back on the plane.  but she’s in the homestretch.

and for the most part, hubby is being easier to get along with lately, too.  comes in waves.  we’re in a better wave or phase right now.  working together (although it has not always felt like togetherness at times) has overall brought us more together.  has been amazing to see him take an interest in family prayer (which he never did before this experience) and to see him step up to the plate and take more charge and also to see him so great with her through her weekly phone contacts.  i had no idea he (while being firm) could be so therapeutic and soothing and confident and reassuring with her.  it was him who helped her to see it’s time for you to set this goal for yourself and to shoot for (blank) so we can start to begin discharge planning.  can you do try to do this now?  and she listened and she finally responded.  she finally decided that she would stop fighting the treatment program.  she finally decided she could and she would do what had to be done in order to be released from treatment.  it never clicked with her until he finally pushed and encouraged just enough in that one phone call.  that was the pivotal point of her treatment.  i think everything has been up to that point and since that point.  a marked difference.  and he helped bring her to that point.  but nobody could make this choice for her.  she ultimately decided she was ready.

things going so much better with both daughters lately.  better changes.  baby steps, improvements.  i hope and pray this home visit goes well for us all.  i am concerned that the oldest daughter ~A will be a negative a n g r y influence on the younger visiting, but we have discussed our concerns with her thoroughly.  i think she gets it.  i hope for peaceful and healthy interaction.

and the negative work situation has me down and feeling t r a p p e d.  want so much to get away from this very negative influence.  i regret i ever said yes to this offer that i felt so flattered to be asked to take on.  if i had had a crystal ball and i knew what kind of b o s s  i was getting because of saying yes, i would have absolutely said no.  i need to remember to focus on what i have control over.  and needless worrying will continue to rob part of the joy of life from me.  need the reminder.  trying to hold on to a ray of hope for something better.

and i should have slept last night (and i should be asleep now) but my mind is still processing and lingering and hurting.  i was upset today and so i reached out to a friend, but i was glad (but not at the time) that they weren’t reachable right then because instead of turning to someone else, i decided to journal everything going through my mind instead.  and that felt healthy to do that exercise and purging of the mind in that manner.  so glad to have returned to this journaling practice.  it also felt healthy to read from the book of isaiah and linger over the passage at the top of this post.  and it felt good to have mother in law call.  she just wanted to talk about a family heirloom/blanket she is sending and she also vented about ailing body parts.  she is a pistol!  and she keeps saying things to shock me .. she is old and sweet and she cusses like a sailor.  haha.  whooah, really.  

but what brought a sense of peace tonight was when i read from the book ”when your prayers seem unanswered” by s. m i c h a e l  w i l c o x.  yes, in those pages, i felt a feeling of peace almost pour down me.  it changed my present mood of too much worry to more of a sense of acceptance for what i can not change. 

lately, i realize what matters so much more to me. 

other life stressors will get in the way and drag you down at times, but ultimately that is not most important.  these are just things that happen while you are living a life.

it is the hearts and lives of those i touch that mean the world to me.  family and friends are the heart and soul of it all .. the reason for it all.  this was always right here and so reachable, even when i didn’t notice so much.  hearing my 16 y/o ~E recently say, “and i love you all” puts it in perspective.

we have an opportunity here, kathleen

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