what if i realized that i have what i didn't think i wanted?

what if what i wanted was right in front of me this whole time, but i just wasn’t paying enough attention?

what if i realized that i have what i didn’t think i wanted?

what if i realized that what i thought i wanted, i never had?

“His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real.  They come in His way and on His timetable.  Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity.”

—–

savored a good moment with 16 y/o daughter ~E today.  we had a perfect weekly phone call with her and the therapist.  really looking forward to her arrival saturday.  during this phone call, i branched into some of the rules while she is visiting and what i have tried recently that i think is working and i shared what i have learned and applied to the other daughter.  and i asked for her input, too.  and hehe, ~E after awhile of this said, “wow, you sound like a therapist mom.”  we giggled and it was nice to share this exchange with her.  and she also added, “you’re a great mom.” whooah!  i have not heard her say anything like that in years.  wow.  i don’t believe it.  i know i have tons to always improve on, but it was so dear to hear her words today.  and the therapist joined in and added this that made my mouth drop … “people are getting paid a lot of money to write books that sound like how you talk.”  wow!  that amazed me that her therapist said that to me just about how and what i was saying to ~E about what i have learned and applied recently and what i want to work on with her.

deciding to make a choice and sticking by it is easier.  when faced with a situation that presses you, you don’t have to reevaluate how to proceed because you already made your decision – your standard – to strive to live by.  it is a lot easier to already have a decision made ahead of time .. before the extremity hits.

and another discovery.  i had the utmost pleasure of getting to share another long talk with a friend today.  i am immensely enjoying rediscovering this person who was lost to me.  i had no idea this was so attainable if only i had reached out sooner.  i had not realized that i still wanted this.  it took an extremity to reach this point.  i had no idea how sweet it would be to open up this gift, better than before … renewed, aware, and sincere.  things are not always as over as you think they might be.

choices are getting easier and easier to make and live with.  i like the softer heart i am discovering.

we are here to become something better because we were here in these lives we touch.

wow, i just noticed.  the sunset tonight is mesmerizing, like the most beautiful one i could ever hope to see.  hadn’t realized there were that many shades of orange.  a breathtaking discovery, like life anew.  why hadn’t i noticed what was right before me?

grateful, kathleen

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