i found something this weekend

since i have been dealing (not dealing?) with a tough situation at work lately (see last few posts here and there if you already don’t know, i don’t feel like linking any), i feel like the life and joy is being suc kedout of me in a way and like even one more demand on me will be the last straw.  i dislike feeling this way.  i want out of this mess bad.  but i can’t quit.  i have worked for the govt for 21 years and i intend to retire with it.  but i will not work for a boss who does not believe me or value me for any longer than i absolutely have to.

i wonder how much longer i will have to put up with this.  i wonder what am i supposed to be learning from this situation.  so many times when i have experienced a loss, those sometimes have been the best times to see what really matters most to me and what i am willing and wanting to fight for.

i am choosing to fight for me right now.

this thing is eating me up at times.  i have shared it enough with trusted supports and i do have enough people in my life who care for me and lift me and support and bear my burdens with me (and i do the same for others in my circle, too).  i do feel cared for and not alone.  there has to be a reason for it all .. some lesson to be learned i guess, but i am not seeing it yet.  amazing, tender mercy, but i kid you not, the CD i am listening to just said “i believe there must be a reason for it all” and it just made me smile because even when things seem rough, these little seemingly coincidences creep into daily life and there was just another one seconds after i wrote that very same concept here in this paragraph.

but still this eats at me and i try not to let it creep into my hours outside of work hours, but some nights i can’t help keep it away.

i am glad i am able to sleep good and deep though.  not always, but i guess enough.  and since i am an insomniac, anytime i really need good sleep and my body won’t let me on my own, i know i can always take the pres cribed sleeping pi lls and that is sometimes just enough to help me through another night.

it really helped me to have a 5 hour long heart to heart conversation (you know, not just a call, but a “really talk” call) with a trusted friend a few weeks ago and we came up with what i called a “resolve list” … this is what i resolve to do to be healthy to get through this thing.  and it really has helped.

so while this temporary work thing is hurting, i am trying to survive.  i call it temporary because i know i will not be in this position for the rest of my life.  somehow, someway, i will be released from this in sane demanding overloaded project workload that is so unfair.  i got rewarded for being a great worker by being given too much of a plate to handle.  you know what i mean?  sometimes in work life there are people who don’t do much and mgmt doesn’t do much about it, they ignore them and don’t make them do much because they don’t want them to mess up anything .. instead of dealing with the problem.  and sometimes in work life, there are workers who shine and do a great job and for some reason their bosses sometimes think some of the best rewards are to give them even more work to do because they know they can handle it.

i can’t believe i am in this situation.  i earned 16 awards in the last four years (unheard of, special, rare).  i have only earned the top most possible rating on my annual performance reviews (since a year after i learned how to do this careerfield).  i was sought out for this position because of my good reputation.  i did not apply for this position.  and i felt honored to be name selected because this rarely rarely happens in the govt … because the hiring rules are so strict.  but i was wanted so bad, that my agency made this happen.  and i strive to do my best at what i do.  i strive to do what is best for the agency and the staff and the customer … and me.  i am used to working for a boss who treasures me.  i can’t believe i am in this situation where i am just swimming in workload and i am buried and i can’t excel and stay on top of it because i am drowning … and the only way i am kind of keeping up is by working horrendous overtime hours.  i normally work 8 hours each day, mon-fri.  but for the past few weeks (and more planned), i have also been working a couple of 13, 12, or 15 hours days each week, too.  i can not and will not keep up this pace.  it will break me.  i believe in work/life balance.  and i am so frustrated that my new boss (since april) does not BELIEVE me when i say that this is too much.  this position was created and a bunch of things/programs were merged when i was asked to take this on and i was asked to give it a few weeks and to give my opinion of what i think, what i need to make it happen, and i was specifically told we have some misgivings about the workload and want to know what you think.  well, i waiting six weeks before i made my assessment.  and i honestly felt it was way too much project workload for one comptroller and so i said it, i wrote it, i did what i was asked … and i was ignored and not believed.  i feel like i have been so dumped on and i feel trapped.  and since i brought up my assessment and recommendations, my new boss has chosen to ignore and not believe me and i guess she just thinks i am a whiner, i don’t know.  but she doesn’t talk to me at anymore.  the only time she comes around is just to tell me she is adding even more projects to my workload. 

i gotta focus on my resolve list.  this will not last forever.  i will get out of this somehow.  one other thing lately that has really been helping me is my resolve to wear a suit/skirt get up everyday and no jeans.  i work for an engineering firm so nobody cares if workers wear jeans everyday.  well, since i made my resolve, i told myself no more jeans.  i will only go into work dressed the part of a professional.  when i dress in suits/skirts for work, i FEEL more professional.  so i put on this armor every work day and it is like one little thing that helps me to face each work day a little more.

see, i do care.  i care about doing a good job.  i know what my agency does matters.  i know what i do matters.  so, no matter how i feel about my workload and my boss, i will not give up.  i still care about doing the best i can in the time i have.  but once i get through year end (30 sep), i will not keep up this in sane overtime, too.

i love my off time and i need it.  we all do.  i feel sorry for people who only have work as their only thing in their lives.  i love having many outside interests and people that i care about.  work is just what pays for me and my family to live.  life is what really matters and what you do with it and who you impact along the way .. and the blessings you receive from some of the amazing treasures of the souls who have been placed in your life to touch your life in some way.

i want to focus on the good.

don’t run away from your fears, face your fears with all that you have … face them knowing with God all things really are possible and hopeful.  they really are.  i am trusting, praying, and hoping that something good will come of this.

since i have been focusing on my goal and i have lost 27 lbs so far and i am caring more about dressing the professional suit for work, i feel like i will overcome the ick, I will dress the part, I will stand up for myself, I will do what kathleen thinks is the right thing to do in each work situation, I will not give up until I am released from this mess, .. but also since I have lost the wt so far and I am making a choice to care more about the suits, the pens adorning each suit, the earrings, and the hair done the way I like, … I feel like I am finding something in me that I haven’t paid attention to in a long time.

I think that I let a part of me kinda go dormant for awhile after I was put on meds in 2000 and put on meds that had a weight gaining side effect and within a year, I gained 50 lbs.  .. a part of me who I have neglected and ignored for a long time.  i since went off the meds but i never could lose the weight i gained and hat ed how it felt and looked for years.

this is kinda hard to talk about but I want to try.  but lately, I really miss a part of who I was back then.  I miss the thinner and fit woman who i was while i was in the Air Force.  I felt great when I wore my flightsuit in the Air Force and I wore cute girl underwear then, too.  hehe.  and I was very aware of if I had any pudge on me because the uniform showed everything.  and I was proud of me that I was able to get back to my pre-prego size after each birth in 1990 and 1992 … but somehow after I got out of the Air Force in 1993 and then 7 years later put on wt gaining meds and gained 50 lbs, the physical outer shell of me I guess turned into some overweight woman who I don’t recognize or see.  I stopped wanting to be in any pictures and whenever I was in one, all I could see and think to myself was who is that overweight woman?

so recently when I saw that picture of me a couple weekends ago when i posted about meeting hillary we eks at the TOFW women’s retreat … for the first time in years, I did not say to myself who is that overweight woman.  I looked at that picture and I smiled because I could tell I had lost something significant so far.  and I am going to keep shooting for my goal.  I am trying to care about that part of me that I have neglected for several years.

and you know what I noticed this weekend ?  my ankles are smaller now, too.  cool.  hehe.

I am feeling good about that part of me again.  I know it is not the only part of me.  I am a sweetheart giggle no matter what size I am, but it feels good to focus on making an improvement in me that I have neglected for too long.

i’ve been finding that other part of me who I used to be, too, and i’ve missed that and felt like a frumpy old woman for far too long.  I am having fun rediscovering this again.  make sense?

I have to first care about me.  I have to choose the things to do that make me feel healthier and better.

and the more I proceed with this change of diet, the more I don’t want to put ick food in my mouth.  I am making better choices and I am savoring more.  and when I choose to MODERATELY have a treat, man, I really enjoy it.

I let myself have one of those YUMMY homemade ice cream shakes over the weekend … and I don’t endulge in garbage food much anymore, so letting me that tasted soooooo good.  I completely savored that pleasure.

and this past weekend away with hubby camping in our motorhome just away 2 hours south of anchorage with our doggies was so peaceful.  it was an oasis away from everything.  i found a peaceful nir vana in a way during this weekend away.  i love it how hubby and i go away every now and then for the weekend.  and i love it how we no longer have little ones who need to be babysat.  it is so nice to just get away for a couple days with just the hubby and the dogs without the teens and without work or any responsibility.

this weekend was a good respite from the rest of the world and I slept and rested so much and felt peaceful and in no hurry.  and I savored making out and cuddling with hubby while i was away.

we have been married for almost 19 years, so we are pretty used to each other, but it is so easy to get caught up in daily living and temporary work stressors that you forget about your mate a little bit sometimes.  i know i do that sometimes (too much), so it was good to be able to focus more on him (us) this weekend and have none of the other distractions.

it has been just tender to cuddle next to him in his arms and fall asleep like that.  and I can tell he has lost 47 lbs.  we have both been doing great on our goal.  and he is funner to cuddle with now.

i will never forget this weekend.

if he di ed before me, this is the weekend i will forever remember as the best moments with him ever.

i think we have been going through waves or phases for 19 years.  it’s sometimes really hard to live with someone else.  but if i hold on long enough during the icky phases, the good phases (or waves come back around again).  this has been happening for 19 years.  he is my big teddy bear who protects me from the outside world.  he is the one who takes care of my in his special way.  he does this thing that nobody else has ever done for me.  he always makes sure i have a meal.  he makes sure i eat and take care of myself.  he has always done all the menu planning and grocery shopping and cooking.  he loves it.  i don’t.  he constantly does nice things for me even when i forget about him for awhile.  i appreciate that he almost always tries to look out for me.  he even faces the extra space heater to me, even when he is cold.  so when i wake up and see that, i face it toward him.

it was his idea, too, that we needed to really get away again for the weekend.  i needed this kind of weekend away.  i know it.  and i don’t know how it is possible to be married to someone for 19 years and feel like i was dating him this weekend.  this weekend with him … felt like my first time.  i don’t have to spell it out to you.  you know what i mean.

i want to focus on the positives.  i loved living in the moments and recognizing them this weekend as i was living them.  thanks sue for writing that post on this subject last week.  i loved the reminder.

and i know that i will eventually get to look back on the ick and go aha, that’s what i learned from that.  but i have to savor the joys along the way, too, even though something is tearing me up.

it came to pass, it didn’t come to stay.

peace to you, kathleen