wish i could be there

good morning,

i wish the back flare up would ease up (it has been miserable since it went out again 22jul2008) and it has been hard to get through the work days.  i stay on ice pretty much all day long and i can take some pain meds during the work day that do not impair me but they do not take away all the discomfort, so the ice really helps.  i even take my ice pack with me when i go to meetings at work.  i don’t care how it looks.  it comforts the back, so i gotta do it.

my body is usually so wiped out and weak by the time i get home from work (and PT 3x/wk), that i crash as soon as i get home.  i would love to be visiting more of my favorite bloggies right now, but i can’t so much.  i hope to visit some more over the weekend when i am off work.  right now, mostly i feel like a crippled up grandma walking slow and not straight.  i want to do more but my body is so drained and weak.

 

i was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo wiped out by the time i got home from work and PT last night, that when i pulled up to my house, i was writing out some checks for some bills for a few minutes because i wanted to mail them before i went inside, and guess what i did?  i FELL ASLEEP HARD AND DEEP right there in front of my home inside my truck.  hubby ~G came out and checked on me and when he awoke me, i didn’t know at first what day it was or where i was, that was how wiped out i was and how deep and hard i fell asleep. 

~G is getting ready to go away on a three day camping/fishing trip with one of his fishing buddies ~J (and i am glad because i want a few days to myself and my 18 y/o daughter ~A).  and ~A will be at work during the weekend days all day, so i can have some peace and quiet, but will see her after.  i think i might try to fit in time for a massage at the local spa this weekend.  thought my back would love (need) that.

i hate getting through these work days feeling like crud.  mostly i come home and crash early because my body is sooooo drained and worn out and i don’t have anymore energy left in me and my back just aches all day long and it takes all my energy. 

but i get through the work days and i have been like a changed woman since i came up with my resolve list.  i am not going to let my current bad boss get the best of me.  one thing i especially love is i practically never SEE her because she stays away from most of us and only comes around when she wants to get in our way or cause problems.  i keep overhearing so many of my co-workers bashing her and talking about the cruddy things she has done to make their jobs harder since she came on board.  i don’t join in them and i don’t want to be around the discussions because it is not productive use of time.  

i think honestly that she is one of those bosses that is not here to help her group be better, i honestly think she is here to HINDER us.  and i don’t respect that in any boss.  i have had good and awesome bosses in my years of work, so i know when i have a bad boss who is not healthy for me.  and i will jump ship as soon as i can secure an appropriate replacement position (same or higher grade in the area, because i refuse to leave alaska, so my options are limited, but i will hold out until i can move on.  i did not work for the gov’t for the past 21 years to leave before retiring.  she will not run me, i will not leave until i have an adequate position to move into).

since i made my resolve list a few weeks ago, my workload has not improved (i have too huge of a project workload — can you say in sane workload??), but my attitude about accomplishing all i can in the time i have has changed.  and i strive to be good to those i impact.  and still kudos (verbal and email) come in periodically to me … just for doing my job.  nobody can take away that i was given 16 awards in the last four years.  that is unheard of.  unusual.  and since i made that resolve list, i made another decision for myself as well.  no jeans.  i work in a federal agency where they really don’t care if you dress down for work, but i always feel more professional if i dress up for work.  so since i made my resolve list, i have worn no more jeans (even on fridays).  i have only been wearing suits, skirts/dress pants, blouses, and suit jackets again.  and i have been making more effort to adorn each outfit with earrings and a pin on my suit jacket, you get the idea. 

i am not really into jewelry but i love to wear a pin on a suit jacket, especially antique pins.  anyway, the point i am trying to make is that i feel better and more crediable in my field when i dress up for work.

 

and …

 

my grandma’s funeral is today and i hate that i can’t be there for it.  see my tribute post to her a couple posts ago if you want to read what an amazing impact she had on my life and if you want to share some old photos of her and the good mail she sent me.

i wish so bad i could be there as she is laid to rest.  if my back wasn’t so messed up since 22jul, i would have flown out there last week in the last days before she passed on.  it was looking like it was so close to the end.  i hate that i couldn’t go.  i knew/know my back can not handle too much right now and i hate that/this.  i want this flare up to end.  i wish so bad i could be there today with my cousins, my siblings and mom.  i am not sad that she died.  i am glad she lived and that i knew her.  i am grateful for the impact she had in my life for 40 years.  i am glad she is no longer in anymore pain and discomfort.  she could no longer do ANYTHING for herself (even eat and stand) toward the end.  she did not want to live like that.  she was an active fit woman her whole life.  she didn’t want to live when she could no longer do the little things for herself anymore.  i only feel a sense of peace since she died sunday.  the only thing that eats at me is that my back flare up has made it impossible for me to handle traveling right now to fly there to lay her to rest, too.  but i have to figure out how to move on from that feeling. 

peace be still, beany