grateful she was here … thank you grandma

my dear 93 y/o grandma angel in california died 4 hours ago.

(the pictures … 1. funny picture of grandma when i was a little girl.  that is my head behind her and my hands and one of my sibling’s hands; 2. grandma with me and my baby brother when we were babies; 3. me and my grandma about eight years ago; 4. grandma when she was a little girl (darling pic!); 5. grandma as a young woman … i think she already had her three children by the time this pic was taken; and 6. awh this is just some of the “good mail” she sent me over the years .. it made me smile to go through photos and mail this morning and lay all this out.  it’s hard to make out, but those little black bears in the lower rt corner are reallllllly old antique bears .. mama and baby … and you should have seen grandma’s face when she got all excited and gave them to me three years ago.  i wonder if i liked cuddly stuffed animals, bears especially, because of her … because she always kept me in a snuggly stuffed animal and a homemade quilt my entire life.)

“my conversion story” is part of the reason she also meant so much to me especially.  if you want to read my post about that, it is titled “my conversion story” and is buried up in the very far top right of my blog.  i chose to place God in my life 3 years ago and she and my cousin ~S in california were KEY to why i made my choice.  in fact, i was baptized yesterday, 3 years ago.  i was reflecting on putting together a journal entry on my baptism 3 years ago yesterday when my mom informed me 3 hours ago that she passed an hour earlier.

interesting thing .. i woke up at 1:30 am my time, 20 minutes before she died and i spent about an hour studying the sunday school lesson and scriptures … and it was completely awesome peaceful to me during that reading/pondering/studying time.  when i chose God in my life, i gained some kind of foundation, rock, and sense of peace that passeth all understanding … and nothing, no matter how tough it seems at the time can shake that foundation.  there is a peace and a calm in my life that i never felt until three years ago.  i found a place to call home .. or it found me.  and my grandmother was part of the reason i chose this.  when my mom told me grandma died, i didn’t ache, i just felt peaceful for her.  i felt at peace.  and i feel very grateful to have known her.  she impacted my life forever.

i made her this really beautiful homemade “thinking of you” card friday, and i put a corny joke card in there, too, and i plastered stickers all over the envelope .. and when i mailed it yesterday, i KNEW right then that that was the last good mail i was sending her.  as it dropped through the slot yesterday, i knew that was it … and i suspected that she would pass before it arrived in her mailbox.  but she would have smiled at it, i know she would have.  it was the best flowery girly card i ever made her.  she taught me well

the only regret i have right now is that my back is still thrown out (since 22jul2008 urgh), i have been in agonizing pain, the PT and the pain meds have helped me get through these mon through fri work days … but i don’t think my back is capable right now to fly travel to her funeral and to be with my cousins and mom.  if my back wasn’t out, i would go there in a heartbeat.  i think she would understand.  i hope my back is normal again when ifly to pick up my daughter in october … but i know my back is not capable of flying traveling right now.  i have to accept this but i’m not there yet.

i want to share a little about my grandma.  she LIVED her life.  she had a full life.  she was my example growing up.  she was the only grandma i ever knew and she stayed connected to me through visits and good mail my entire 40 years on this earth.  no regrets.  she is at peace.  i am at peace knowing she is is out of pain and discomfort anymore.  her body had declined so much in the last three years and more recently, she could no longer walk and get out of bed.  i think she wanted to be let go of.  i am grateful she didn’t pass away before 2005 … when everything changed for me.  you never really know what doors you will open and what will lead you to the next thing, but she was part of me and i am forever grateful she was key in changing my life for the better three years ago.

yes, she truly lived her life and she gave me an example of how to savor moments and cherish your special souls in your life.  while i grew up, she made me feel like i was her only grandchild, she made me feel so special with her good mail that always had stickers on it.

grateful to have known her.

peace be still, kathleenybeany

 PS. thank you grandma … for being here.

 PS. and my grandma and my parents also called me kathleenybeany when i was little, but i thought it was dorky silly embarrassing back then.  i only grew to enjoy the nickname again this past year.  now, the nickname just makes me grin because people who loved me (and who adore me now) choose to call me it endearingly.