want to let the light back in

had a tough weekly phone call with our teen daughter 16 y/o ~E yesterday … and it is getting to me today.  she has been out of the home for 10 months now (including the runaway time, another hospital stay, and the long term residential treatment center (RTC) in utah where she still is.  she had been doing better for past few weeks (since she finally decided to actually do her school work … for two years plus, that has been an ongoing struggle to get her to do school work and not fail everything). 

yesterday’s phone call was miserable.  she is doing poorly again (thankfully, she is still doing her schoolwork though).  but why does she have to be so angry and difficult?

i felt guilty that i just wanted so bad to get off the phone call and i was watching the clock counting down when i could go.  the weekly phone calls are with me, hubby/daddy, therapist, and daughter.

she keeps getting into trouble lately with peer relations.  physical stuff, hitting, etc.  i don’t get it.  she sounds so mad.  she claims it’s everybody else and not her fault, but many peers and many staff keep saying the same thing … that it is her … she bugs peers (teases, “jokes” with when they don’t want her there) and some of them finally can’t stand it anymore and smack her i guess.

she says something different, but all the others say the same thing.  i tend to believe the masses.  not sure though.

~E’s therapist (and us) tried to convince her yesterday that she needs to write down every altercation and write down if she goes to a staff member to report it and what happens.  her therapist said she would go with ~E to confront every staff member with her to talk about anything that ~E doesn’t feel is resolved.  ~E kept saying she doesn’t want anybody’s help.  she says she feels like a “baby” if everyone does everything for her.

we tried to convince her that it is okay to get help, not to have “everything” done for you, but okay to get some help.

and tried to convince her that her therapist is her advocate and if she can help her resolve something (if she feels she is not being listened to by staff) we want her to let her therapist try to help the situation.  ~E was very reluctant but did agree she would try this.

i feel like a horrible mom because i was just sad/disappointed/upset and wanted so bad to be off of the phone call.

we are supportive of what her therapist recommends.  and the therapist is easy to talk with.  she seems genuine with ~E that she would help her through this if ~E would give her a chance to help

~E is so stubborn and not seeing that everything she is involved in is making a difference in how much longer she stays at the RTC.  i want her to come home, but not before she is truly ready to.  i/we trust that the staff and therapist will not recommend her release until she is really ready to leave.  miss her.  i miss her, but i want her to come back … when her therapist says she is ready to.

i guess i shouldn’t whine … but i am human and i am hurting.  she is hurting, too.  this must be so hard for her.  other people have much much bigger things to deal with.  i tell you, everytime i see a high needs physical special needs kid/family, i just feel guilty for any of my own whining.  i feel for families that have such hard things to deal with.  and everytime i see my family friend ~M’s eyes water because of his now grown daughter who has continuously put their family through stress and pure torture since she was about 14 y/o when she ran away the first time, … my heart just aches for him and his family.  his adult daughter has never outgrown her drama … her stuff … she is a mess as an adult too, and has a kid too.  so how can i whine?  i hug my friend, but that is nothing to offer … but my hugs, my shoulder, and my listening ear are all i really have to offer.

what a mess.  i shouldn’t write a post while i am choking on tears that keep coming.  i want this chapter to be over with already.  why does it have to drag on?

it occurred to me today that she has now been gone for 10 months (and she was so painfully hard to live with for the couple years prior to that run away time.  she was like living with “dr jekle and mr hyde … one extreme or the other .. you never knew what you would be dealing with each day, but it was typically an extreme between the two.  overall, she has improved since getting help, but she still has a way to go.

i want her to “get it” at the RTC.  i want her to move on.  i want her to grow up and learn what she must.  i don’t want her to come back until her therapist thinks she is ready.  i am in no hurry to push that along prematurely.  i want her to get what she must out of this treatment program, so the rest of her life will be better hopefully. 

i know nobody can do it for her.  she has to do this in her way when she is ready.  this can’t be any easier, can it?

but you know what happened?

when i drove my other teen daughter to school this morning (she needed a ride because she took something big to school today), i couldn’t help but notice how incredibly beautiful and sunny it was/is outside.  the view could not have been more perfect.  the sun was set on just the right temperature.  the birds really were singing a song .. for me?  i looked all around me again and again and just soaked it in.  i hesitated to go inside.  i didn’t want to miss any of it.  (i can still hear the birds singing.)  how can anything feel cruddy when there is this amazing landscape – God’s masterpiece – all around me?  His fingerprints are in everything i see … the mountains are perfect … the blues, the greens, and the white snow atop.  the sun is feeling perfect today.  and the ground looks new again as spring is making its way into our lives again.  i forgot to notice my breathtaking view for a few days.  i am noticing the nature around me today.  taking a deep breath again .. and savoring.

a friend told me today that we have ”brick walls” in our lives, but we are also blessed by facing them.  i remember this.  some of the best things in life that i am the most grateful for were the hardest to get and fight for.  she also reminded me that we can’t forget it takes effort to climb a mountain – but what a reward when we do.

want to let the light back in.

a little peace, kathleen