i’m a survivor PART TWO — peace be still

greetings sweet readers,

**caution** only continue reading if you can handle reading about this, it gets heavy.

a month ago, i wrote a post about being r#ped at age 18.  i never said a word about it to a single soul until age 36 (three years ago).  so it was 18 years that i kept that bottled up in me.  until a month ago, i never thought i would be this open to discuss this subject on my blog, but that night, i just felt like letting down a wall.  in that post, i talked of how mariska’s non-profit org had contacted me and i just felt like talking about it openly on my blog and the non-profit’s blog.  at the time, i thought it was mariska contacting me directly, but now i believe it was just her staff, but that is okay.  it is okay because it still felt good to me to open up about the subject in such a public way.  the response after writing that post was incredible.  not in a “look at me” kind of way.  but it was amazing to receive comments and emails from women coming out of the woodwork who wanted to talk about this subject and they felt they could.  i shared some very personal and heartfelt emails with those who reached out to me to share their stories.  some told me that they never said a word to anyone and now they felt like they wanted to say something.  one told me that she felt like she has had some of her physical problems through her life because she had never said a word and never dealt with this.  and she said she felt ready to talk about it now.  some told me they were inspired by what i wrote and felt i was brave.  i’m not really sure why i openly talked about on my blog a month ago, i think i just felt like i could and wanted to and i think that nobody should be made to feel like they did something wrong when they were the victim. 

i have more to say and i have been thinking about this for the past month since i wrote that post and since sharing those emails with readers who wanted to talk about this subject.   

i read an article this morning that made me want to write a little more about this.  i grew up in a huge home (too big in my opinion, kids get lost in homes that size because nobody knows where anybody is).  i will never have a big home, i like small and modest homes, i like keeping it simple.  i like being aware of all around me.  i grew up in a home mostly devoid of affection, hugging, and “i love you.”  i felt extremely uncomfortable anytime anyone would try to touch me, hug me, even touch my forearm.  i was s#xually m#lested over and over (an ongoing regular habit) from age 4 y/o until 8 y/o by a family member much older than me.  i know it stopped at age 8 because i had been baptized and then the family member left me alone shortly after that.  and he and i never said ONE WORD about it ever.  i was desperate to leave home as soon as i could at 18.  and then (like i talked about in my post a month ago), i was r#ped on a first date with a coworker man a few months before i left home at 18.  i was a v#rgin to actual int#rcourse until that night.  and that family member who s#xually ab#sed me repeatedly for years still lived in that home until well past i moved out.  i had to, just had to, leave.  it was too damaging to me to stay and i knew it at a young age.  the walls of that home felt like a prison to me, devoid of sunlight. 

i never said a word about the childhood atrocities until age 16 or 17 (to a trusted female friend — actually she was my first real dear friend in my life – and she encouraged me to tell an adult).  so i mustered the nerve to tell the adult but she didn’t react very well.  and i always resented how she never made him accountable for what he did to me when i was a little one.  she never confronted him and she made me feel like i did a wrong thing by telling her about it and disrupting things. 

much of my teenager time, i spent escaping into writing journals and poetry.  lots of introspection.  as soon as i left home at 18, my world changed for me.  i started to blossom and become more outgoing.  but 3 years ago, things started getting way better for me.  3 years ago, the same person who caught my attention about me deciding to join my church and put God in my life was the same person who i opened up to and FINALLY put words to it that i had been raped 18 years earlier … it is like something significant changed for me.  and i decided to let go of the anger at my family member who i had hated for almost 30 years.  it weighed me down.  that anger did me no good to hold on to.  i forgave him.  i have been growing into a more content and peaceful person ever since 3 years ago.  i know i am far from being done growing, but i am so much happier overall since three years ago.  i do look at my life as before that turning point week and since that week 3 years ago. 

and my husband ~G was really the first guy to not be a jerk to me.  when i met him almost 19 years ago, i wasn’t looking for anybody.  i had immersed myself heavy in work and college.  i had my goals and i didn’t need a man.  but he knocked my socks off and captured my heart the first night i saw him.  my heart jumped out of my chest seemingly and picked him before my head even knew what to think.  never had any guy affected me like that.  but he also freaked me out initially because he was TOOO nice, too emotional, too sensitive, too loving, too giving.  i remember thinking at first that no guy is this nice.  he was clingy and he really tried to show me that he loved me no matter what.  i was uncomfortable with too much affection and too much emotional stuff at first, but i got used to him, and over the years, he has actually helped me to be more comfortable with touch and affection with others.  he was the first guy i ever felt totally comfortable with.  and shortly after we were married, ~G went out one night with some of the guys in my family and some of them got drunk … and the family member who ab#sed me while i was a little one … he broke down and cried and told my husband how sorry he was that he had done that to me and wished he could take it back.  my husband didn’t tell me this family member told him this initially.  and i had no idea why ~G no longer wanted a single thing to do with him.  my husband waited for me to bring up the subject.  about six months later, i finally felt the nerve to tell my husband what had been done to me when i was 4 through 8 … and it was at that time that my husband told me about that confession he was told by my family member.  my husband was furious at the family member that he had done this to me when i was a youngling, but he waited patiently for me to bring it up to me .. i guess he knew how uncomfortable i was and that i wasn’t ready to discuss it … and he gave me the respect to wait until i was ready to bring it up.  my husband ~G has always had my back, he has always stood by my side, he has never let me down in this area.  and he tells me every single day multiple times that he loves me and i feel guilty because i don’t often appreciate him enough.  i should feel more grateful for him.

and i do like who i am now.  i never really did before.  i love who i am, i really do.  and i love getting to collect soft, joyful, and sweet moments with people along the way ever since then.  i feel really lucky and blessed most of the time (except of course for days i feel down and in a hole).  and i do love sharing what is truly on my mind with certain others in my life who i trust.  i do love who i am and who i am growing into.  and i am excited about continued changes for growth.  and even in recent months, it has become more clear it seems on what i do and don’t want in my relationships.  and that feels sweet to me to know more now about that.  that’s why i wrote the “eyes are the window to the soul” post yesterday morning.  lots of things are becoming a lot more clear to me and it feels so good to be able to share with certain others i trust and to share some of this in my blog journal.

i think the adversities we experience in life do serve a purpose.  were it not for some bitter experiences, how would we truly realize how sweet we have it when it is soooo good?  and i think that some of the tough things we experience can make us truly understand and feel for someone when they experience something similar or just as gut renchingly hard.

if i could have these two things taken from my life, i honestly don’t think i would.  the tender heart i have now … the love and affection i feel and eat up … i don’t think i would feel this way now had i not had the really bad stuff happen to me.  i think those who have been hurt really bad sometimes are some of the most caring and sweetest people because they’ve seen such extremes.  when someone i know is hurting really bad, i can almost feel their pain and i want to offer any comfort that i can.

okay, i’m spent.  i don’t want to write anymore about this right now tonight.

i feel a greater sense of peace, contentment, and happiness overall since three years ago when i chose to place God in my life and when i finally told a soul about being r#ped.  since then, i have had practically no nightmares (i used to have violent nightmares about death and r#pe almost every night) and my life has felt more complete overall.  and so many of the people i have shared moments with since then have touched my life in immeasurable ways and continue to.  i am grateful for the feeling of life that i feel right now.

peace be still, kathleen xo