i am a survivor, too … and guess who contacted me tonight? wild.

greetings you awesome blogger ladies,

**caution** only continue reading if you can handle reading about this, it gets heavy a little later. 

when i first started writing this “so grateful …” blog back in apr 2007, i think i thought i only wanted to talk about my religion and only wanted to share my thoughts with others of my same faith.  that has so changed.  i keep evolving (we all do).  i love it how i want to talk about just about anything on my blog and on others’ websites, too.  how limiting it would be to only talk about religion.  that is an important part of life to me, but there is more to talk about, too.  and how limiting it was for me to initially think that i would only want to share with others of only my faith.  i love it how so many people, different all around, come here and share with me.  i don’t care what religion anybody is.  i do not judge.  i welcome all who want to share.  and i will never try to force my religion down anybody’s throat.  not gonna do it ever.  that’s how religion felt to me when i was growing up and i HATED how that felt, i hated feeling like i had no choice.  i left my home of origin right after high school, right after i turned 18 because i had to find my way, in my own way, my terms, and i had to get away from PAIN.

a work in progress.

i am surprised at myself lately that i am getting bolder and bolder about what i am willing to let go of and what i am willing to talk about openly here.  i am feeling more and more comfortable with myself and my interaction with others.  i used to be so afraid to let anybody get close to me.  trust was a hard thing for me for a long time.  but life keeps feeling better to me, especially lately, especially in this past year.  i am eager for what happens next.  i am afraid of very little.  i am not afraid to die at all.  it doesn’t even creep me out to say it.  i just hope when i die that nobody i love goes with me.  what i am afraid of is hurting those i love and … losing those i love.  that is my biggest fear.  but i feel strong and capable and eager and like not much will stand in my way of whatever i pursue and strive to do.

tonight, something wild happened and i want to talk about it.  you know who mariska hargitay (actress from Law & Order SVU) is?  she contacted me tonight.  not kidding!  i am being totally honest.  i belong to this “buzz” network (website community) and i really like it.  one of my favorite friends in the whole world, i befriended there.  anyway, tonight mariska opened a “buzz” account and she contacted some of us there.  i was one of the first people she contacted and asked to be my “buzz friend.”  a few days ago, i came across her blog and i like an article that was posted there on survival, so i posted it to my shared articles in my google reader account (so others could read it, too, if they wanted to).  she is a huge advocate for victims of se#ual ab#se/ass#ult.  she has two websites and one is devoted to that subject.  this subject is near and dear to my heart.  i feel like sharing the comment i sent back to her.  be careful with me, this is my heart, but i want to share what i publicly put on the buzz tonight. 

peace, kathleen xoxo

“hi M. thanks for the buzz friend request. of course i accept. welcome to the buzz. i really like it here. hope you will, too. there are some kind souls here you will find. i am a survivor, too! only thing is i didn’t tell a single soul about what happened to me until 3 years ago. i feel much happier, more content, more peaceful, the whole gamut, since i finally put words to what was done to me. i have more gratitude (like i share in MY BLOG) in my heart than i ever have in my whole life and i don’t want to shut that off ever again. i am not embarrassed to talk about it either. i told my daughters (teens now) what happened, too) because i never want them to have to live with what i experienced. it took me 18 years later to finally say a word about it. i don’t know why i waited, i just couldn’t deal with it i guess. but i am a hawk watching over our children in my church who i volunteer with. i know that look in the eyes when someone is you know. i lived it. i love what you are doing here with your websites M. you know what is wild? i JUST added your MH website to my google reader just this week and here you are today asking to friend me on the buzz. i am surprised and pleased and look forward to reading more. you know what? you and hilary (swank) (and sandra bullock) are my only favorite actors … because all three of you have moved me time and time again. all three of you so often totally immerse yourselves into a role that you embrace and believe in. i have immense respect for you three because you don’t settle for anything, you don’t just pick any role, you grab ones that matter to you. so many times, all three of you have made me feel like the role you were/are playing is real … so believable. that is an awesome skill and nobody has been able to move me like that except you three. i’m not just telling you this because you contacted me. i have thought this for a long time. for so long, i could not watch your show because of the subject material … because it would hurt me to hear and watch the stories, but i had to try. and i kept watching. i hardly ever watch tv, just don’t have the patience for it, there is so much garbage on it, and i’d rather do other things. but law and order and CSI are pretty much the only reason i will ever turn a TV on for. but your show (you specifically, the role you play, the heart and soul you deliver) has been so good for me and my story. and this comment here is the first time i have openly said anything about being a survivor of r#pe when i was 18 and on a first date with a creep from work. no pity, i’m not seeking it. i am just glad for what you are doing for people who have been hurt. oh yeah, you got me on a roll here M, i didn’t mean to write sooo much in this first comment to you, but i am passionate and eager about what i am convicted about and i want to share my enthusiasm when i feel it. thanks for the buzz friend request. i have no idea how or why you found me, but i am glad you did. blessings to you and those you love, from kathleen m. in anchorage alaska “

a work in progress