this feels so good to me — another chance

feels so good vs. does not feel so good to me.

not so good.  being sicker than a dog this week.  congestion, ick, ick, ick, head feels like it will explode.  and hubby is just as sick at the same time, so neither one of us want to help bring each other things like chicken noodle soup.  instead, we are both saying i’m sick, too, leave me alone!  ha.  but it will pass.

so good.  cuddling up in my recliner with my fleece blanket wrapped around me, my stuffed furry little beany bear, and my fuzzy warm puppy asleep on my lap.  drifting in and out of sleep while feeling so sicky physically.  feeling the warm beautiful alaskan sunlight shine through my front windows and heating me up, like being gently kissed from heaven … as puppy and i drift in and out of sleepy slumber.

so good.  a smile that stays on my face for days.

so good.  a fullness and warmth in my heart that lasts.

so good.  feeling loved and cozy.

so good.  wearing earrings almost every day again.  taking the time to put on eye liner again.  i really like how my eyes look with eye liner, too.  caring a little more about myself lately.

so good.  remembering some beautiful heartfelt sweetness someone i love has told me.  words are powerful.  sometimes they hurt.  but they also can sometimes love and bless and comfort and heal. 

so good.  sharing sweet and meaningful and often times long emails with someone i am thoroughly enjoying getting to know better and better as each day and contact occurs.

so good.  flannel bed sheets!  and my homemade patchwork quilt which is just the perfect blend of cool and warm at the same time.  the bed made JUST SO, cuddly, cozy, perfect, just right.

so good.  hot flashes (no sweat) that make me feel like a cozy little heater purring.  he he

so good.  my fuzzy slippers.

so good.  my fleece windbreaker.  feels like a lamby is right next to my skin.

so good.  slipping into my blue jeans that don’t fit anymore (yay!) and my work boots. 

so good.  sharing a silly joke and laughing our guts out with a stranger at the nail salon.

so good.  sharing a funny silly moment with the gas station cashier.  giggling with him like we already knew each other.  random fun moment. 

so good.  blasting rock and other music when i am in the mood for it.  when everybody is gone and blasting music in the house and dancing around ha ha.  blasting jazzy more mellow music when i am in the mood for that.  putting on my headphones and playing the same song as loud as i can stand over and over until i get so sick of it. 

so good.  being formally recognized at work this week for two more awards i was given a couple months back.  i was embarrassed but i also thought it was cool and sweet.  it blows my mind to keep getting awards for doing a career that i enjoy.  i just want to make it all better and easier for me and my external and internal customers.  i am humbled and smiley everytime i am given another award or kudo for just doing my job and going above and beyond.  but i don’t feel like i am going above and beyond

so good.  feeling a sense of balance in life between family, work, church, volunteer, and everything.  knowing when to say no and not feeling guilty for it.  saying yes only to what i am willing to come through on.

so good.  being told by two different people this week that ~E is leaving, do you want to come work in our division, heard you are very good at what you do, know you are good at what you do, something like that.  i smiled, giggled, and said i enjoy what i do and i just don’t know if i want to move yet.

so good.  being told good stuff, really good stuff practically every single day.  my cup runneth over.

so good.  my coworker ~D telling me after i returned from my anniversary hubby mountain lodge trip that he missed me, it wasn’t the same here without me.  awh!  i love working with that guy and my other guy co-workers.  he is so easy to talk with.  but i have to shoo him away and tell him i would love to still talk with you but i gotta get back to it.  i totally enjoy so many of my guy co-workers.  they feel like my brothers, well like brothers should to me.  i have some female coworkers, too, but i keep most of them at a distance, i don’t feel such a camaraderie.  and i especially stay away from the mean ones who gossip and they are soooo obvious who do that.  and i also enjoy ~R, i call him “papa bear” and he laughs and smiles when i say that.  he makes me feel like i have a generous sweet father figure in a way.  my dad died 17 years ago and he was a workaholic and extremely SHY and didn’t really know any of his kids, so when he died, i felt like i was buring a stranger.  no pity, just the way it felt to me.  my ”brothers” at work and i have this little thing we do.  when we see each other, pass in the halls, anything, we playfully softly punch the arm.  it is endearing.  and we smile and laugh, too.  earlier this week, i saw ~D (different ~D) and he had just returned from being on a business trip for the past month.  i was so happy to see him, i just punched him HARD in the arm.  we both just giggled!  loved that moment.  i feel lucky to get to work along side some terrific kind people.  i am not in any hurry to move on to another government ageny anytime soon.  and my supervisor is a sweet lady who i can carry on a normal conversation with and it feels comfortable.  it has been a long while since i have had a great supervisor.   

so good.  the first hard gut busting laugh of the day.  reading a friend’s blog post this morning that just had me laughing hard and free throughout the whole thing.  and telling her my reaction.  and hearing the joy and smiles in her reaction.  sure love that friend

so good.  being able to open up here when i am in the mood to share.

so good.  some of my church sisters dropping by last night to bring me snowman soup (hot choc) and a quote because they knew i was sick as a dog.  awwh, they are sweet, my church ward sisters.  but i didn’t come to the door because i was sick and dying and miserable and my nose was bleeding a gusher river again for the third time yesterday.  bratty teen ~A got to greet them at the door and relay my message of thanks.  that is so sweet what they did.

so good.  feeling cared for.

so good.  calling a friend today who i don’t talk with often (i don’t use the phone a lot) and hearing ~S’s voice sound so happy when she realized it was ME.  feeling welcomed in.

so good.  lifting up another when they need something.  if i can help, i will try.  talking a friend or even a stranger sometimes through something they need help with.  we are not really always strangers when we have some common ground experience that we can help another soul with.

so good.  another chance.

so good.  feeling a sense of peace and contentment, not desparation.

so good.  letting go.

peace, kathleen xoxo